A Small Point

This week has been rough, between being sleep deprived and getting back into a routine after a vacation and dealing with feelings for my ex... I'm exhausted. 

My ex and I ended on a note where I wanted him to think about whether or not he has feelings for me. I want him to forget the distance and the uncertainty and the confusion and just really figure out how he feels. This was about four days ago and I've heard nothing since and I'm not really thinking I will. 

It sucks. Six fucking years of loving him. I'm over my first love- Austin, my high school boyfriend. But Kyle, my god he does something to me. Every time I'm near him... Makes me feel like myself. 

I hate being alone, especially during the holidays. Can it just be March? 

I've been questioning my move some lately. I absolutely LOVE Texas, but I don't love being here alone...

Feeling Alive

I cannot believe it is December already. I can't believe how quickly time goes by. I just got back from a whirlwind weekend in Iowa where I got to surprise so many friends and family members with a visit. It was so much fun. I loved seeing the look on their faces and the joy. My heart has never felt so full. 

As loved as I feel and as many people I have surrounding me, I still feel alone an hate being single for the holidays. Most people really don't get it. I don't want someone who will shower me with gifts or anything, I just want someone to share holiday moments with. I want someone I make memories with and someone just to be by my side. 

I like to know I'm not alone in my feelings and dating blunders. Over Thanksgivng my cousins and I shared stories and dreams of relationships. I really hope one day we all find what we are longing for...

Over the weekend I had a chance to see one of my best friends who also happens to be an ex. We didn't date for long, but even broken up we've always still had an undeniable connection. We've always flirted here and there and he's always different with me. We've been through fights and moves and relationships and heartache. There have been ultimate fights I thought we'd never recover from, but we always find our way back to each other. We are such great friends... We've kept the physical part out of our relationship for a very long time, until last weekend. We've shared a bed countless times but the kisses eventually stopped. But last weekend- he kissed me. He sang a meaningful song for me. He made comments about me moving back. He said he missed me. But what does it mean? Why can't he say what he feels? I'm planning on having a talk with him. I think I'm most scared that he really doesn't feel anything, that I'm just someone comfortable...

Many people don't think he's good for me and there have been many times I've believed it. He's caused me pain and made me cry... But he's also been there for me through my darkest days. He knows me better than most. I think I've been denying my feelings for awhile. I love him... And it's so scary. 

In other aspects life has settled a little. My living situation is so much better and my anxiety has lessened. Texas feels right right now. School needs to be in my future. 

A new year is coming so quickly. I don't want life to pass by. I don't want regrets. 

Face Lift

Since I last wrote I feel like I've spiraled downwards into an even worse depression. Said guy from last post contacted me and apologized and wanted to make it all better- then stood me up. I don't understand what is wrong with people. And I'm angry, so very angry. 

I'm out of the dating scene. I'm not even excited about a good looking guy (unless it's Luke Bryan or Cole Swindell of course..) I feel no desire to date or even to talk to a guy at the bar. I think they are all full of shit. 

I know it probably seems to others that I spiral into depression over a silly boy. The thing is, though, that's just icing on the cake. 

I've been stressed about moving and feeling safe. I've been missing my best friends. I've been hating work. I've been feeling stuck. I've been missing my family. I've been tired and lonely. I want to go back to school but dread adding that to the mix. Add an asshole into that mix and I'm ready to throw in the towel. To top all of that off- my therapist informed me she is moving out of state. I haven't needed her in awhile, but now that I've reached the end of my rope and don't feel like I can handle it on my own, I'm losing her, too. I get to have one last visit tomorrow but then she's giving me a referral. I'm not sure how I feel about starting over with someone new again.... 

I've been gaining weight back. I've been eating like shit. Yet, I've found a new gym and even bought healthier food options but I can't bring myself to eat the food or get to the gym. I'm in this dark place and I'm aware of it. I'm trying to get out. My body knows I need to do it but my mind just can't get there. I can't shake this and it's scary. 

I see my therapist tomorrow. I'm hoping to go to a gym fundraiser on Saturday.  I'm hoping to unpack in the new place this weekend. This is going to take some time. Slow baby steps. I'm lucky to have some great people in my life who put up with me while I'm in this phase. 

"Darkness must precede the dawn..."

Last night the tears flowed endlessly. Tears of frustration. Tears of loneliness. Tears of sadness. Tears of worry. Tears of pain. Tears of tiredness. Tears of brokenness. And it probably didn't help to watch "The Notebook"...

I don't even know where to begin, except that I feel like a broken record with what my thoughts and feels are right now. 

Mr. Iowa is gone for good. Deleted off Facebook and number deleted out of my phone. I'm done with that mess. 

I met a new guy two weeks ago- we connected more than I think I've ever connected with anyone. I've never felt so in sync with someone and more like myself with someone, ever. 

Friday night he called around 11pm and we talked and laughed like normal. Saturday he was supposed to help me move and then take me to a concert...but I never heard from him. I called and texted all day, I even went to his place to make sure he was ok- no response. I still have yet to hear from him. I've experienced every emotion under the sun. I don't understand. I'm hurt and confused. No one had ever treated me with such respect and honor before, nor been more of a gentleman- and then he disappears just like the rest. In the blink of an eye... 

I'm taking myself out of the dating scene. I've said it before, but this time is different. My heart can't take it anymore. It's too painful to get rejected time after time. A little part of me dies every time and I fear one day I will have nothing left to give. 

I know everyone believes I will meet someone someday... But more and more, I don't believe this to be true. I know I will get the comments of "just give it time" and "you're so young" and "he obviously wasn't the right one, but the right one will come!". Well if you feel like saying any of these or something along these lines, don't. I don't want to hear them nor do I believe them. 

I'm working on being content with the single lifestyle, with possibly never having children of my own unless I adopt. The thought of never giving my parents grandchildren haunts me late at night. I want to be a mother more than anything, but maybe it's not meant to be. I don't want to have children in my 30s and I'm damn near 30 right now. I'm scared to death of living life alone forever. What kind of life is that, really? I wish I felt purpose... 

I am in the process of finishing up a move to the other side of town. I despise packing. It's been tough to put it all in boxes. To fit it all in one room. It will be a change living in a house with two people. I'm welcoming the change- yet I still feel alone. 

Sunday night I drove up to Austin to see a Christian rock band I used to follow in high school. The members are all different except the lead singer with whom I got to hang out with before the concert. The long drive to Austin and the lyrics sung that night touched my soul in a deep way. I needed that night more than I could have ever imagined. It had been nearly four years since I'd seen a show by this group and it was nothing short of amazing. The lead singer, David, is such an inspiring person and I've been blessed by his music for nearly eight years. Supporting their music has been more of a blessing to me than I think I've realized...

I woke up to a cloudy world today. The temperature was cooler and the breeze thin and crisp. I woke up to darkness today...just waiting for the light to come back... 

And it's stopped...

So just days ago my heart was so full and happy it was about to explode. Well, I feel like my heart has stopped now. Mr. Iowa is apparently still with his "ex" and was going to try and deny it until I sent a picture with proof. With the things we talked about and even talked about doing.... I'm speechless. I feel numb. I don't understand. Yet, am I surprised? Not really. This kind of shit happens to me every damn time. I feel like every time something good starts to happen, life just laughs and punches me in the face. 

What is so wrong with me? Why do i constantly get people who treat me like I'm worthless? As a person who struggles with depression, being treated like I'm nothing makes me feel like nothing. I try to build myself up and all, but I can only do so much. I do have great friends whom I probably offend every time I hit a low spot because I'm so negative and maybe even rude, but I just want to feel good. I want to feel normal. 

Most days I just don't want to go on...

Challenges

So I wasn't going to post again this soon, but I just had to share this...

I just finished a 30 day Instagram challenge (that I made up). The challenge was to find one thing every day that made me smile or made me happy. I can't even begin to describe the effect this has had on me. 

Some days were easy. I found something right away that made me happy. Other days were more of a challenge if you may... But, each day I had something to look forward to. Each day I was looking for the "happy". I was paying attention to the little things. Some days it was even creating these moments (buying my favorite food, going to a favorite place, etc). But either way, I was appreciating everything. I was choosing to be happy. Happy. Not an emotion people feel all the time. This past month was full of some very difficult moments, but even on those days I CHOSE to find some sort of happy in them. 

This was such a great exercise for me. I've struggled a lot in the last year. I've been through hell. I've heard people talk about creating your own happiness, well I'm a believer in that now. 

Even though this challenge is over, I will still continue to look for the happy in each day. I will choose to be happy. 

Be Still, My Heart...

A lot has happened since I last posted and I want to write about everything, but right now I have one thing on my mind: Iowa guy. Yes, I'm still talking to him. I even turned down one of the guys here because I couldn't stop thinking about Mr. Iowa. The others I'm still talking to here and there, but Mr. Iowa consumes most of my thoughts... 

He makes me feel unlike anything else. We've even had some "dirty" texting conversations which is totally not like me, but he just has this effect on me. I want to be near him. I want to kiss him...badly. We have established that we both like each other... Yay! Right? I should be happy knowing the guy I'm into is also into me, but it's more complicated being 1000 miles apart. 

A lot has crossed my mind with all this. Do I have to move back to Iowa? Will he come visit? Would he ever move? I don't like the snow. I love Texas. I don't want to move and have him disappear again. How do I know it's really. I'm so scared... 

I am going home for Thanksgiving and we have already talked about seeing each other and he mentions it often when we talk. So that's good, right? I'm dying to see him. To be close to him. 

We got to FaceTime last night...which sent my heart and mind into overdrive. He looked so damn cute. So funny...just like I remember. I miss him... And I totally like that boy... 

Deep down I know this is all so early on and we have time. Time. Life is all about timing, I can't believe we are both into each other after all this time. I can't believe we are talking after all this time. Time. There's a lot to be figured out, but I know we have time.... 

My heart is bursting. I really like this boy...

Birthday Weekend

Well, Saturday was my 26th birthday. My friend "Jack" and I went to an event called Margarta Pour Off. It was a lot of fun and we got to sample several different margaritas, listen to some music and just enjoy each other's company. The rain held off and the weather was perfect. He's such a good guy and a good friend. I'm lucky to have him... 

Throughout the day, several of my other friends started canceling on my evening plans. It really hurt my feelings a lot. I ended up going to my favorite country bar alone... One coworker did show up and we had a few beers and a pretty good time, but it was nothing like I was hoping. Oh, and Mr. Not so wonderful was there. Yes, of all the nights I see him there- my birthday of course! I hadn't seen him in about two months. It stung a little, but I made sure he saw me. Several times...

I hate being so far away from my best friends. I hate going it alone. This has been one of the hardest things about this move. I'm alone. I have some family here and I've met some good friends, buy essentially, I'm alone. I never saw myself making this move alone. In my mind, I always thought I'd get married and my husband and I would embark on this journey together. We would have each other to lean on and to help each other... Mentally, emotionally and even financially. So, when I decided I couldn't wait any longer, I ended up here. Alone. 

This year has been tough. Really tough. Most days I'm not sure how much more I can take. How much longer I will last. I'm so ungodly poor. I have very few people here I feel I can count on. Some days I just want to throw in the towel and succumb to my failure. I feel like God is looking down on me and laughing. Why did I think I could do this on my own? I'm not strong enough. I don't make enough money. I don't have what it takes... I start to cry when those from back home tell me how proud they are of me. Why are they proud? I'm failing. I'm at another job where I feel stuck. School is a big question mark. I struggle to make it paycheck to paycheck. Besides the fact that I undoubtedly love Texas, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm so scared. I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want them to see me weak. 

Back to the birthday situation- I wish I could have celebrated with my best friends. I know none of them would have ditched me and I miss them. 

I came home from the bar around 1:30am. Today I really didn't feel like leaving my apartment or doing anything, but I really wanted Jimmy Johns. So I walked to my car, only to discover that someone had stolen all four tires. I can't catch a break. See why I feel like a failure? I know this is not my fault, but maybe a sign? I just broke down after that. I hate people. Why can't something amazing happen to me? 

On a more positive note, my best friend Kelli will be here in two days. Best friend time and five days off work can not get here fast enough.... 

Overload

I have not written in quite some time, mostly because I have so much going on in my head I don't know how to put it down in words. I'm surprised my head hasn't exploded yet...

I did SO well with my eating and exercising, for one week. Now two weeks have passed and I haven't been to the gym and I'm not eating well. I'm so pissed at myself. This happens every single damn time. I know I don't like how I look, so why isn't that enough motivation to change it?! I use way too many excuses. It's unacceptable. I need to get it together or I will forever be uncomfortable with my body, and what guy is attracted to a self conscious woman? Not many... I have my birthday coming up and company coming to town, but after that, things have to change. They just have to. 

Work is horrible. Some days I go in and think this is all still doable. Other days I just want to cry and walk out. I don't know what to do. I love my coworkers, but I didn't uproot my whole life to feel stuck at a job again. I'm keeping my options open and putting my résumé out there, but I don't know what will happen. I guess for now I just need to focus on one day at a time. I have to believe it will all work out eventually. 

Boys. Boys, boys, boys.... Oy is the dating world ever so complicated for this girl. I have four "fish on the line" as my coworker and I like to say. Three of which are right here in San Antonio, very interested in me and are making the effort. The fourth, though, is back in Iowa and unfortunately the one I'm most interested in. There's quite the back story with him, but he's kind of, in a way, the one that got a way I guess. I'm surprised he's texting me and initiating a good majority of it, too. 

The other three, well, they are nice and fun to be around and talk to, but there's just something missing I think with each of them. But, I keep talking to them and hanging out with them, hoping it might change? Hoping I'm over looking something or being too quick to judge... But when I'm thinking of Iowa guy when I leave them, or I'm texting him back while they go to the restroom...I think something is wrong, right?? Ugh. But what good can come out of this when the guy I'm interested in is so far away and we haven't seen each other in over 1 1/2 years?? But we've picked up where we left off like nothing ever happened. I REALLY like him. I can't stop thinking about him. I want to see him SO badly it almost hurts. Why did I reach out to him? Why couldn't I just leave it alone? I can't believe he's been thinking of me this whole time too. 

I have no idea what to do. My mind and my heart are just so fucked up right now. I don't know what to think or feel. There's so much going on. So much to process. 

I wish there was a clear answer...

Love & Exercise

I have been really horrible these past several months in regards to working out and eating healthy. I haven't gained much weight back, but I've felt like crap. I'd somehow lost my motivation. I knew I still had a ways to go before my body would look how I wanted it to...but I couldn't get myself to the gym. It had become more of a mental battle rather than a physical one. 

So, Monday evening I sat down and wrote out some goals. I figured a good way to keep myself accountable was to write it out here as well, for my two readers ;) 

Current weight: 137 (depending on the day) 

Goal weight by my birthday (Sept 13): 130 

For these four weeks I will be cutting out soda, sweets and fast food as well. I have to say I have rocked my first two days, in and out of the gym!! It feels so good to be back working towards a better, healthier me. :) After the first four weeks I will set new goals. Baby steps are important. I can't wait to see what results I have!! So if you are reading this, help keep me accountable!!!! 

To update on the romance in my life, or lack there of, I went out on a date with the 22 year old dad. We had a lot of fun, but in the end, I don't see us as a good fit. So I had to tell him we can how full still be friends. The other guy from work has been talking to me regularly until the past few days, so who knows. I'm not sure if we are a good match either? 

Now the one I'm really interested in, the oil field guy, we've talked here and there for the last two weeks and he was supposed to come home yesterday, but I haven't heard from him yet. I'm very interested in him and we have a lot in common, I'm just trying not to get my hopes up. I don't want to be disappointed again. So I'm just going to let it ride and see what happens... 

Work is...work still. Everyone is stressed and we are all trying to fix it. Changes are still being made and I'm hoping to receive more duties. Time will tell... Tuesday was my one year anniversary there, though. It's hard to believe it's been that long. Time sure flies!! 

I read an article the other day that really struck a chord with me, but I will save that for another blog, this one is already random enough!!

Back In The Saddle

These last few weeks have been interesting. I have moved past the last asshole and am myself again. I took the time I needed to be sad and angry, but I'm over. I'm moving on. Someone will appreciate me one day... 

Last week I rejoined a dating website. I used to be on this site religiously. I used to get so worked up about guys messaging me, guys responding and searching through the endless profiles. This time I have a different approach and a different mindset about it all. I'm letting them come to me, and the few I may contact first, I'm not going to be anxiously waiting for their reply. I feel so much more relaxed about everything. I'm definitely still not ok with being single, but I'm trying to enjoy it. 

I now have one guy I've been messaging...and now texting from the dating site. I've been pretty relaxed about it. He is in the oil field and is very busy. He is very much "my type". Then there are two guys from my parttime job that have been talking to me since Saturday. One of which I am very attracted to.. The only thing I'm worried about is the fact that he's 4 years younger and has a 2 year old daughter. He also has quite the past. He seems to be saying all the right things and I'm very much looking forward to seeing him again this weekend, but I'm keeping my guard up. 

This past week has been an ego boost to say the least! 

Work is still ungodly stressful. We are short staffed and there are certain people who don't know what the hell they are doing and it makes it so much harder on everyone. I love my coworkers dearly, but I'm over working in the medical field. I'm tired of rude, sick patients who yell at me for no reason. I'm just tired...

On a more uplifting note, I get to see my nephew in 2 1/2 weeks!! I haven't seen him since June and he's grown so much. I can't believe he's crawling!! I wish he could just stay little... 

A week from tomorrow I turn 26. Holy shit. It's so weird to think about. I have lived in Texas for a year now and it's so crazy to think about!! One of my best friends is coming to visit the week after my birthday. It will be SO good to see her. It's hard being away from your best friends, but I've discovered who really is my friend. My best friends and I talk almost daily like nothing has changed. That's true friendship. I'm so blessed. I know I get down on myself and get depressed about my life sometimes, but I really am thankful for where I'm at and those in my life. 

I can't wait to see what this next year brings!

Taking Control

I've been in a funk for 2 weeks now. I've been mad, frustrated, depressed and sad. I've eaten so much unhealthy food and drank so much beer. I feel like crap. I probably look like crap and I've gained about 5 pounds. It is time for me to wake up. 

Last night a friend and I went to my favorite little country bar for what they call "Working Women's Wednesday", which translates into $1 beer!! We got a beer and started to unwind from the day, then I got contemplative. I wanted to see Mr. N-S-W, or did I? I felt anxious. I was constantly checking the door to see if he was walking in. He never showed, we left and 8 and I went home and cried. You see, I texted him to see if we could just talk sometime. I'm not really sure why I wanted to, but I needed closure. He actually responded, but just said "no". That was kind of the final chapter in the short book that was our relationship or whatever it was. He was done. I was done. 

The crying turned into one of those ugly cries. I couldn't stop thinking I was alone and would never find love again. Luckily my best friends from the heartland know how to love on me. (I had a package from one yesterday as well, which only enhanced the crying...) I always feel bad because I'm so negative about love and relationships and sometimes even about life. They always know what to say. 

I am finishing up this week being lazy, but it stops there. Next week I'm back in the gym, I'm eating healthy and I'm focused on making myself happy. I am back to not worrying about guys, especially at the bar... I won't be crossing the bar to talk to a guy for quite some time. Next week I will be back on the self-enhancement journey. I'm actually looking forward to getting back in the gym and losing the rest of this weight! 

Work is getting more stressful by the day. The lack of communication is exhausting and so frustrating. People say they will do something and then don't. I feel like I can't do my job correctly without constantly questioning myself or second guessing. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells and trying to please everyone, which is next to impossible at that place. I've been applying at other jobs and haven't had any luck. I'll just keep working and doing my best until things actually change or I find something different. I can't wait until I can go back to school... 

Plans to see my sweet nephew are in the works. I miss that little boy more than I can say. ❤️ 

Tomorrow is finally Friday again. I can't wait to relax and prepare myself for a new week. I can't wait to start fresh and start working on my goals again. 

Head vs Heart

Last night I went to my favorite little country bar with my coworker and we had a blast. Mr. N-S-W was not there...and I'm still not sure how that makes me feel. I go there and I'm anxious. Part of me still wants to see him. I don't know what it is about him, but it makes me sick. I feel like I'm constantly looking around to see if he shows up. He's everywhere, though, outside of the bar. Someone on Instagram likes my photo and has the same name, a band requests to follow me on twitter who's band name has his name in it, or the song I find on YouTube is posted by someone with him name. He's all around, yet no where at all...

I met someone last night. HOT AS HELL. Navy man. We hit it off well and his friends were a hoot. I admit I drank more than I should have, but it was fun. We made out. A lot. I laid into him heavy and put all the cards on the table. We talked about a lot of shit and he knew I was skeptical of how genuine he really was, or wasn't. We talked about trust issues, on both sides, what we wanted from a relationship and so much more. It was kind of intense. 

Never heard from him today. I know you are SO surprised. I am not. Yes, I wanted to believe he was true and that he meant what he said. And deep down a little part of me did, I have to give every guy a fair shot. But what is it so fucking hard for a guy to be honest? How hard is it to say what you really want or feel? I constantly feel so led on and I'm sick of it. I made the move last night and I'm kind of mad at myself for it because that is what I'm trying to get away from, but I don't regret the experience. 

My emotions and logic are battling it out. I want a guy to prove himself, not just say he will. I want a guy to text me every day. I want a guy who makes me laugh and feel so comfortable. I want to fall in love. But, I'm trying to be a realist and prepare myself for the let down. I may never find this dream guy. I may never find true love. It doesn't always happen for everyone. I want to believe it will happen for me, but a girl can only put up with lies for so long. 

Ok, so it was one night with this guy. I'm not devasted over him. I'm not heartbroken over him. I'm not crying. I'm disappointed in men. I'm exhausted from trying SO hard. I'm frustrated with going all in and getting nothing in return.  I'm tired of not feeling like I'm good enough. 

To change the subject, work still sucks. I think it may be getting worse. There's so much uncertainty and lack of communication. I feel trapped and out of place. I want something different and that scares me a little. Change is scary, I know. I've already made one huge change in my life recently, do I take another leap of faith? If I don't I will probably be miserable every day and what kind of life is that? What's the point in living a life where you aren't happy with what you're doing? 

I need to keep the search going and to keep putting myself out there. Supposedly good things come to good people, but maybe I'm being punished for something. It feels like it at times. I sometimes feel like I can't do anything right or I'm not trying hard enough. I just want to feel satisfied. I want to live a life that's worthy of being shared with someone. Who wants to share a mundane, unhappy life? In other aspects of my life I am happy, I'm not completely unhappy, but I just want the whole package. I want to love my life completely. 

In Good Company

My mood has been all over the charts recently. Whether it be about boys, work, money, family... I'm all over the place. As I've discussed before, I can go from happy to upset rather quickly. I'm not proud of this fact, but I'm human. 

Last night I had the great pleasure of seeing one of my best friends in Texas. We have been friends almost the whole time I've been here and we've had an interesting relationship. He's been there for me for some of the hardest parts of this past year. We had our moment where I thought there may be a potential dating relationship in the making, but we are better as friends (with some kinds of benefits...) I've never done anything with him I regret. He's very sweet and quite smitten by me. He knows how to make me feel good and always says I'm gorgeous. He's a good guy! :) Despite our attempt at what I thought was dating, we've always been friends first. I know he will come running if I call him. 

My friend, let's call him Jack, and I have been talking quite a bit in regards to my most recent dating blunder. I know I can always be completely open and honest with him, no filter. Jack took me to dinner last night and we had a chance to catch up. Halfway through dinner he looks at me, eyes serious, and asks, "so how are you doing?" I'm not really sure how to answer this question these days. To say I'm good kind of feels like a lie. I told him I was dealing with things (boy related and non) and that I will get through it. We then went into detail about what had happened with Mr. N-S-W... It was interesting to have a guys perspective. Jack said Mr. N-S-W may have realized he wasn't as ready as he thought to start dating again. Or that he may have realized I know what I want and he's not sure he can give that to me, now or ever. 

These thoughts have crosse my mind, mostly because I'm a very understanding and empathetic person, but mostly because I want to believe he really is a good guy. I want to believe that his last relationship really effected him and he realizes he's not quite ready to take the plunge again, and that it has nothing to do with me... I want to believe I may still have a chance...maybe some day? 

I have a very dark heart and I don't always believe there's good in people, but there was something about him. I hate that I can still talk about him this way and still hope for a chance... We are all human. 

So thanks to Jack, I'm a little more at ease. A little more at peace... He gave me one of his hard, long hugs and told me id was wonderful and that he's sorry the world is so cruel. He told me he's been worried about me and just wanted to hold me... Thank God for good friends. 

Jack is not the only good friend in my life. I've had several friends in the past week with whom I've shared my doubts, fears, insecurities, anger, frustration and tears with. I don't know where I would be without these people. Without good friends, the world is so cold. 

Although I often feel alone, I know there are people out there who care immensely for me and would do anything in their power for me... And for that I am eternally grateful. I also hope they know, I would do the same for them. 

I love you, dear friends! 

Mind Clutter

These days it seems I can go from happy to sad in about 5 seconds. My mind is one big jumbled mess...which is why I write. 

This weekend has been a blast. Friday night I went with some of my best girlfriends to my favorite country bar. We had so much fun...though I drank a TINY bit more than I have in a very long time! I was, again, not focused on finding a guy. I did however want just one to ask me to dance. It had been SO long since I'd gotten to two-step. I danced with not one, but four guys, three of which asked me to dance. The fourth guy I'd seen at the bar several times and he's just a really good dancer!! One of the other guys turne out to be a patient at my clinic. Either way, I felt pretty. I don't feel pretty that often and I know I don't need male attention to feel pretty, but sometimes it helps to get that extra vote of confidence. 

I admit, the whole night I was keeping an eye out for Mr. Not-so-wonderful. I just didn't want to be blindsided by him or anything. If he was there I wanted to know about it. He never showed. 

The girl time was much needed. I always make time for that, but lately I've felt like a horrible friend. I'm constantly thinking about myself and what I need and how I'm feeling and what step to take next. It's unlike me to be this way, I'm always more concerned about others. I feel selfish. I'm just not ok right now, so how can I make sure others are? 

Friday night I sent Mr. N-S-W a drunken text message. Show of hands, who is surprised?? Yea, I didn't think so...  All I said was "I can't believe you played me" which I still think is a valid statement. A statement to which I got a text reply of "fuck you". Not sure how to respond in my drunken state I just say, "seriously". I received nothing further.... Until the next afternoon when he sends a text saying, "didn't send that". What is a person supposed to believe. The text message came from his phone, but if he did send it why would he make a claim he didn't, especially if we aren't even talking anymore. It's all just weird and confusing. 

Saturday evening was also spent at said favorite country bar because my friend had invited a guy and I wanted to show my support. Well, the guy never showed. I knew she was devastated. I was too. We were having a good time. No Mr. N-S-W, though I'm not sure why it mattered. Suddenly I felt sad. Not sure why or how to explain it.

Part of me wants to see him. I want him to see how good I look without him, though I'm broken inside. I want him to regret it all. Another part of me still thinks, deeeep down, that he's still a good guy. Then there's the part of me that thinks I'm an idiot. He lied to me. Who likes someone who lies? 

I don't know how to talk to people about all this. Every hates him. No one trusts him anymore and no one believes him. My friends will take my side no matter what and I love them for that. But I can't stop defending him. I can't stop wanting an explanation. I can't stop wanting him because I know he's different. Or I thought he was different. I'm not really sure right now. 

I have a wound. A giant wound on my heart. It appeared about 6 1/2 years ago. My first broken heart. I don't think broken hearts heal. They are mended and put back together, but the scar is still present. The heart is never the same again. I've had my heart broken so many times since then that it seems the broken parts never have time to mend, so I'm left with gaping wound. It hurts. I want someone to show me what it's like to not get my heart broken. I want someone to be real with me. I want them to love every part of me, not just the good parts. 

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth the truth. I'm so scared I will forever be alone. I want to have children; to give my parents more grandchildren. It's not looking promising. 

Speaking of parents, I really miss my dad. I miss my mom, too, but I'm such a daddy's girl. My parents just got iPhones so we facetimed last night. It was really good to hear my dad's voice and see his face. 

I miss my nephew, who is crawling now!!! I am not sure when I can go see him because on top of the wonderful experiences I've been having, I'm still struggling financially. It's so hard. My little man is almost 8 months. It's gone by so quickly. I remember the first time I held him... I hope to see him soon. He makes everything better. His little smile and snuggles are perfect. I'm a very blessed auntie. ❤️ 

Now for a new week... Work has been awful. I have that sick feeling every day. It's not good. Something about that place isn't right...so I've been looking for a new job. I hate job hunting. Something will work out eventually, I just need patience. Lots of patience.... 

Blindsided

Well Mr. Wonderful turned out to be...not so wonderful, and I'm sitting here wondering if I should be surprised. After our perfect evening together, perfect kiss and him opening up and sharing about himself...I didn't hear from him. Three days went by. At first I was ok with it and knew he was busy but I would hear from him eventually. But three days? I decided to send a text and asked him what was going on. His response was unexpected beyond my wildest imagination. He told me not to waste my time because he was still in love with his ex. Do I believe this? I'm not really sure. I specifically asked if he had moved past that relationship yet as soon as I found out it was only 10 months ago that it ended and he said yes. And he pursued me. He initiated every ounce of physical touch between us. He wanted to come over. 

I can't even describe my feelings right now. I'm so pissed, sad, hurt, frustrated, confused, disappointed and devasted. Who do guys think they are? Playing games like this... But, it happens to me. Every. Time. I should not be surprised anymore. But he spent SO much time trying to get me to believe he was different. That he was a good guy. That he was interested. I was slowly believing him and letting the walls down. He was unlike any other guy. Now I realize he really isn't. 

The fairytale we as little girls grew up believing in was shattered for me long ago, but I still had hope that there was something good out there. Something close to it. I don't know what I believe in anymore. I don't know how to move past this. I know everyone will tell me he's just a guy, there will be others, he's not worth it, and it's his loss. All of these things are bullshit. I know y'all just want to make me feel better and all, but these things don't make me feel better. They actually make me feel worse. And these things are usually said by married people or people in relationships, so you all can keep your mouth shut. You don't know what it's like right now. You don't know how it effects someone to get the same treatment, time after time. 

I want to fall in love. I want to have a family and to be a mom, but right now I don't see this in my future. It's absolutely devastating to realize, once again, you weren't enough for someone. 

I went to my favorite country bar last night with a girlfriend for girl time and a much needed beer. Mr. Not-so-wonderful showed up. He tried to wave "hello" to me. What. The. Fuck is wrong with people? I'm sorry for all the colorful embellishment in this post, but I'm just so fed up. Why would I even want to look at you after being lied to, yet alone say anything to you? Sometimes I think we forget everyone has feelings. We forget our actions and our words take a toll on others. We are living in a me centered world and I know I'm guilty of it too, but I just wish people could realize what they are doing. 

I know he's not worth the tears I've shed in the past 24 hours, but that doesn't stop them from coming. It doesn't stop my heart from hurting, but it cleanses. 

I'm glad to have cleared my head for now and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. I will work through this and it will take some time to heal. I'm back to completely focusing on myself. I'm still not playing this dating game. The walls just get higher and thicker. The next guy will have to prove himself way more than he ever should have to, but I can't allow my heart to break any more. 

Magic Moments

So last week was anything but normal... I wrote my last post just wanting and waiting to see a certain fellow, and the next day I did! I took one of my new friends to that favorite country bar of mine...and there he was. Backwards baseball hat and all...damn, did he look good. As soon as I saw him, I made a beeline for the bathroom of course. Was I ready to see him? I hadn't talked to him in over a week besides that one text. What was I going to say? Should I say anything? Do anything? Would he say or do anything ? I felt so sick to my stomach I wanted to slink right out the back door of the bar. But I didn't. I walked straight up to the bar beside him and ordered a beer. He looked over and smiled, gave me a hug and asked how I'd been.  Really? How have I been? Besides confused, frustrated, mad, and uncertain? So, I told him I'd been good. :) My friend I then went and sat and drank our beers and chatted. She said he couldn't take his eyes off me and every time I went to order a new beer, he would smile at me. It felt great, but I was still so confused. Did he still like me? Are we on the same page? 

At some point my friend and I ended up on the patio. He came over and gave me a longer hug and said we had a lot to talk about. Sure, let's confuse the girl even more!! We flirted here and there the rest of the night. Then I left. 

Thoughout the week I texted him a few times, trying to nail down a time we could talk. He was always working or busy... My friend and I spent a few week day evening at the bar and he said he would try to swing by after work if he got off and I was still there, but we always left before he could. 

All week I was anxious. What had happened? What ALL did we need to talk about. It was almost sickening. I couldn't stop thinking of him. 

Along with all the male drama, I was missing my family. I was the only one not present for my nephews baptism in Iowa. I miss my dad. I miss my grandparents. My mom. My little sister. My best friends. I knew moving would be hard, but some days are harder than others... 

On top of that there's work drama. I'm so bored all the time. People are so rude. Everyone thinks they know everything. There's new changes coming and people on the verge of getting fired. There's so much tension. I just want out.... 

Long story short, this fellow ended up coming to my place late (11 pm) Saturday night so we could hang out and talked. He opened up about everything. Who he is, what he likes to do, what his goals are, what his family is like, family problems, health problems...the whole 9 yards. 

And then we kissed. The most perfect kiss I think I've ever had. 

I told him he needs to communicate with me better and that I like hearing from him. He said he would work on it and it would get better. He stayed the night because it was so late... Don't worry, he slept on the couch. ;) 

In the morning I walked with him to his car and we kissed goodbye. I haven't heard from him since... 

Normally I would be freaking out. But I'm surprisingly calm. Things take time. I truly believe he is interested in me after Saturday night. What guy completely opens up to a girl he's not interested in? He didn't push anything or try anything crazy. I really like him. What's even more crazy is I think about how much my parents, and even grandparents would like him... I have a tendency to count my chickens before they hatch and get way too excited about a guy before anything ever happens and then nothing ever does. I'm hoping this time it's different. I'm hoping his guy is different...

Now time will tell...

The Dating Game

Within the past 3-4 months I have taken myself out of the game. The dating game that is. I didnt like what dating has become and I didn't like how it was effecting me. I have taken myself off the online dating sites. I have stopped going up to the random cute guys in the bar or clubs...stopped making the pointless small talk with the drunks and assholes who won't remember my name seconds after I've walked away. I have stopped obsessing over the fact that I haven't met anyone at the local watering hole. I have stopped wasting my nights out with the girls looking for an ego boost. 

I have been completely focused on myself. I've been dedicated to the gym. I've been dedicated to my girls...going out for a good time now and then. I've been dedicated to MY happiness and I have never felt better. I finally realize that I don't hold too high of standards. I know what I want and I know what I deserve. I know I deserve what I want when it comes to a relationship. 

With my 26th birthday just shy of two months away, the fact that I am still VERY single scares the living crap out of me. At least now I love myself enough not to settle and to not give in to the hype of "hooking up". I'm looking for something real. Something that will last. Something I can rely on and something I can fight for. 

Three weeks ago tomorrow I was at my favorite little country bar in San Antonio watch the Spurs play in the championship with a coworker, and I saw this good looking guy. I told myself, and my coworker, that I should just go say "hi" and see what happens. I should just go up to him and start a conversation... But I didn't. I began to think to myself, "Aimee, you want a man that is going to pursue you. A man that wants you and will make it happen." So, as we cheered on the Spurs to their victory over the Miami Heat, this guy starts to make subtle comments to me. He invites us to his table to keep him and a friend company as I walk by to get another drink (of water....). As I'm coming back from the bar, I notice a couple of his female friends had sat down at the table. He looks at me and I told him it looks like he had enough company now. He laughs. I like his laugh. My coworker and I are about to leave (I tell her we must stay just for a few more moments to see if something will happen), we go sit at his table and we start talking. He's very sweet and charming. He excuses himself for a moment and we are left there, it's getting late. We decide to leave. As we are headed towards the exit, we pass him and he calls me over. He asks if we can exchange numbers so he could take me out some time. I give him my number and leave. 

We start texting daily and he makes me smile. One of my best friends comes to town the following weekend and I take her to my favorite little country bar....and guess who shows up? :) My friend and I sit outside all night while he and his friends start off inside, trying to get us to join them. Eventually we win and the boys join us outside. My friend grills him and he takes it well. Lol we texted so much that weekend I'm sure I had a permanent smile. 

The following week we talk about going on our first official date that he says he wants to plan. Then next day though, he doesn't answer my phone call. The day of the date, I hear nothing. I text and get no response. I'm devasted, as usual. Even though I discussed with him how guys just disappear on me. Now him too. 

Last Sunday I went to my favorite little country bar, hoping he would be there. Praying for an answer. Nothing added up and I was beginning to worry about him. He is friends with the bartender so I muster up the courage and ask about him. He hadn't heard from him recently either and he'd heard he had to leave town. So, I know he's alive, but I'm still concerned. 

A few days pass and I can't stop thinking about it. It's awful. I barely know him. We haven't even been on a date...and he stood me up!! Yet, I still like him. I'm worried about him. I just want to hear from him. Thursday afternoon I couldn't take it anymore. I sent him a text and told him I was concerned about him disappearing and that I really like him and hope to hear from him soon... And my heart sank. I knew without a doubt, he wouldn't respond. But he did. He sent me a text apologizing twice about everything and said a lot has happened regarding family and health. He said he wanted to talk in person about it..and hoped I was having a great day. I think I let out a small tear. He's ok at least. I haven't heard from him since, and I left him with the ball in his court. I told him to let me know when he's ready. Why? Why wasn't I my usual control freak self asking him when it will be that we talk in person? Because I've grown up, remember? I want a man to persue me. I want him to come to me when he is ready...so I know it is what HE wants. Not just what I want. It's killing me though, not knowing what happened; not knowing what's going on or when I will hear from him. My heart jumps every time my phone goes off... 

I do believe he likes me. And I do believe he's a good guy...that he's different. I still have hope...

Hey y'all

So it has been well over 8 months since my last post, and so much has happened... 

Most importantly, my nephew, Keaton James was born on November 21. He is truly the love of my life. I couldn't be a more proud auntie!! I am so happy to be closer to him and my sister. It is such a blessing. Not only do I get to visit every 6-8 weeks to spend quality time with them, my sister and I have gotten closer and have a much better relationship. It's priceless. 

At the end of January, my car was stolen at my apartment complex. I won't go into much detail, but let's just say it was very traumatic and stressful. I'm ready to move out of my apartment in October... I'm ready for a nicer place and to feel safe again. 

I've gotten back into a workout routine (been off for a week but headed to the gym after work today) and I've lost 20 pounds!! I'm so close to my goal!! I'm feeling great and loving that my pants are loose. :) 

One of my best friends was here for a long weekend and her birthday and we had a blast. It was SO good to see her...it had been too long. 

As for relationships...well that is a post for another day. I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling through my head right now. I still have hope...