Tis the Season

With the holidays upon us, Thanksgiving is literally minutes away, there is so much on my heart. This time of year is rough for me, even more so being so far away from most of the people I care about. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I've been reflecting on the reasoning behind that lately. 

You see, Thanksgiving was always spent the same way. Every year. (Until I moved two years ago of course) we would always go to my grandparents house and spend the whole day eating, laughing, playing games, telling stories and watching football with the majority of my dad's side of the family. It was always a blast. Thanksgiving was a source of consistency in an ever changing environment. Thanksgiving was always one day I could count on when all was right with the world. One day I could look forward to with great anticipation not be let down. Every other holiday seemed to change the older I got. Christmas was never the same going into adulthood. Everyone grew up, moved away, started families and it just became hard to get everyone together. That's why I loved Thanksgiving. Now that I've moved away and can't afford to make the trip home for the holidays, it becomes more apparent that everything will eventually change. It's hard to have to FIND somewhere to go for Thanksgiving. It almost feels like I have to ask to be a part of someone else's traditions and holiday memories. Holidays and special occasions feel anything but normal in Texas. I'm hoping this will be something that comes with time, I'm just unsure how much time it will take. Around this time of year, tears flow more frequently now. My emotions run high and the little things mean more than ever. It almost hurts physically to listen to friends and coworkers talk about holiday plans with loved ones. I don't want to seem like a Debbie downer so I force a smile and continue to listen to their preparations and plans, as I sit there contemplating what I will do. Deep down I wonder if this will be the holiday I have to spend home alone. Luckily I have wonderful cousins that live near me that love including me in all aspects of their life and with whom I will be spending my beloved holiday with, but it still doesn't feel right. It's not the same and I fear it never will be. 

With the holidays comes the other dreaded topic of conversation: singleness. I've had a lot on my heart and mind regarding this subject for quite some time and just haven't been able to put down in words how I feel, but I think it's time I try...

I have been single for over seven years now. Yes, I've dated here and there, but my last relationship was seven years ago. Typing that makes me want to cry. I've been on countless dates. I've got number in my phone from guy I don't even remember because our conversation lasted all of two minutes. I've hundreds of dating horror stories. I've also been on numerous dating websites. I don't know what it's even like to be in a relationship. Or to have someone genuinely interested in me. When I meet a guy and start talking I wait for one of two things: a long text explaining why "this" isn't going to work or silence. I've yet to decide which is worse. I don't get excited when I meet a "great" guy anymore. I try to avoid meeting them at all. I don't tell anyone if I do meet someone because it's embarrassing and disappointing to have to tell these same people days later, "just kidding, he's gone!" 

Am I ok being single? Yes. I enjoy living my life the way I want and doing everything that I want to do when I want to do it. I love the freedom. But I want more. I'm ready for more. 

I don't know of anyone who actually understands all this. Friends say they get it. But they don't. Have you been single seven years? No I didn't think so. Everyone wants to tell me how to be single and where to meet someone. Everyone tells me how great it must be. They tell me I should just enjoy it. They can't feel the pain of loneliness, because there is actual pain associated with it. They don't know the agony of getting to know someone new day in and day out. Explaining your situation and what you want out of life. It's exhausting and I'm so tired of it. I don't want to open up to anyone else just to have to turn around and do it again, because I know I'll have to. I know, you think I'm just being negative. But that's the other thing people don't understand, it's hard to be positive and upbeat about a situation you've lived through so many times with the same outcome. I have to be realistic and cautious. I have to have a guard up. 

I still cry every time. I don't cry over the specific guy, I cry over the situation. I cry and wonder to myself why I tried again. I wonder why I thought this time would be different. I just cry.... 

The majority of my best friends and family are in relationships or dating someone. I am genuinely happy for each and every one of them. I really am. But, sometimes it's hard. I listen to their excitement over someone new. I listen to the adorable things he did unexpectedly and squeal with them in excitement. I listen to them rant about how stupid he was and I share in their frustration over their arguments. I listen to the family drama between his and hers. I listen to stories of their weekends together. I cheer them on every single step of the way. I feel their excitement, their anger, their joy, their pain, their love and their confusion. I share it all with them all while harboring a small pain inside wondering if they will ever get to share in those things with me, if I will ever get to experience them firsthand again. 

Being single during the holidays just adds to the pain.

I don't really feel I have a clever way to end this passage, but I'm glad to rid these thoughts from my mind. Below is an article I found recently that hit me square in the chest. I cried of course. Someone else ACTUALLY gets it. It is a great read for singles and those in relationships. 

http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/10-heartbreaking-truths-about-being-single-nobody-likes-talk-about

I will end on a note of Thanksgiving- I am so very thankful for my life, my family and my friends. I am blessed in ways I shouldn't be and with things I shouldn't have and for that I am grateful. I am beyond thankful for our military personnel and what they do daily for me to live this life. I am thankful for a job, car and roof over my head. 

Happy Thanksgiving y'all ❤️

Clouds set in

I've been a bitch this week. I'm not afraid to admit it. I've ignored texts and calls. I've gone out alone and stayed home from outings. Yes, it's all been on purpose. Yes, I've dealt with yet another asshole. This one was different (as they all seem to be). I can't even go in to detail because I relive the details every single day and I can't force myself to type it out permanently how great he was knowing that it was all for nothing. 

My heart hurts. I hate men. I hate love. I hate romance and I hate him. I've deleted online dating profiles. I've shut down feelings and desires. I feel numb. My heart can't take rejection again. I can't allow myself to get excited and hopeful again. It's exhausting and disappointing. It hurts. 

I've been ignoring everyone because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear the cliche phrases. I don't want to hear "I'm sorry, guys suck". I don't want to listen to any of it. A lot of my best friends are in really great relationships and I'm beyond happy for them, but I haven't wanted to hear about it. I haven't wanted to celebrate their relationship victories. I've been a bitch and a horrible friend. I'm soaking up alone time even though that's something I've become very accustomed to. 

Tomorrow is a new day. The healing will take time. I'm going to focus on my health and moving forward. I will text my friends and share in their love. 

On a completely different note, a week ago today I turned 27. It's crazy and scary to think about. 30 is right around the corner. But, ringing in 27 was pretty great. I got to be with my family. I got to wake up to the two most important guys in my life: my nephew and my dad. I got to experience my dad's first NFL game with him as we went to see the Chiefs vs Texans opening season game in Houston. It was a great game and our Chiefs won. It was definitely my best birthday yet and I wouldn't have wanted to spend it any other way. It was a day I will never forget. 

Which Way is Up?

I got back from vacation about a week ago and since then I've been a complete mess...

I had such an amazing trip, but it's left me feeling confused, sad and lonelier than ever. 

First stop was Kansas City seeing one of my besties. We had a blast! It was so good to finally see her again and catch up...and hug! That's one of the hardest parts about long distance friendships, you don't get to hug the, nearly as often as you'd like, or need. I finally got to meet her boyfriend whom I'd heard SO much about. He's really fun and they are great together. We drank and drank and drank some more! Finally saw my Red Sox play after about four years! The game was a blast- especially since we won!! I got to see much more of KC than I ever have before. It's really a great city and has a lot of offer!! The KC leg of my trip was perfect. We had plans, but not much that was set in stone so we got to relax and sleep in and change our minds- it was great. 

Next came Iowa, where every minute was planned out, quite literally. I knew from the start it would be exhausting. First I saw my old roomie/bestie #2. We went out to one of the bars we used to frequent and just had a blast. The next day we took one of our infamous road trips, this time to north eastern Iowa. We saw the bachelors house in Arlington, I was so embarrassed!!!! Then we drove through the countryside on back roads to the Mississippi River and ate lunch and just enjoyed each other's company. It was an awesome day. 

The next day I went out to lunch with an old best friend from high school who is due to pop any day! It was great to catch up and hear about her life and kids. I'm so proud of where she's gotten herself to in life and of the mom she is. She's amazing. 

After lunch I went up to visit my college peeps in northern Iowa. I went to Algona, which is where my grandparents live and also where my ex/best friend now lives. I surprised him at his apartment. He's the only one who didn't know I was coming and I like to see the look on his face. Our other friend had been trying to get him to agree to go to karaoke that night but he made other plans...which he canceled once he knew I wanted to go to karaoke. So we got in his truck, grabbed some beers and headed on the hour-ish drive for Okoboji. He started to speed up and then said "hell we aren't in a hurry" and set the cruise at 60. We drank and he played me his current favorite songs. I could NOT stop smiling. My heart felt happy and I felt complete. It was a strange feeling. We talked and laughed like the old days. We met our other friend at the lake and enjoyed some karaoke. Us girls made him sing one of out favorite songs. My other friend couldn't stay long so he and I were alone again. Turns out he wanted to go somewhere else so we got in the truck and were off. We met up with some of his buddies and ate and drank a couple more beers before heading back to his place. In the car on the way home he played a very special song and I hand my hand on his arm and while the song played we just kept looking over at each other. It was pretty powerful. Again, my heart was so happy and I felt the world was right. We got back to his place and got ready for bed. We laid there close together our faces towards each other and we talked. Then we kissed and made out. It was like any other time we have ever kissed. It wasn't drunken and sloppy. It was childish or playful. It was slow, passionate adult kissing. He didn't try anything else. He didn't even take my shirt off. It was very mature and perfect. We cuddled practically all night. He would kiss he top of my head. In the morning he got ready for work then laid back down next to me. He said I could stay as long as I want and just lock up on my way out. He had his hand on my leg and was rubbing it. I couldn't help but think about waking up next to him...all the time. I can't explain it, but I never feel safer or happier than I do in his arms. This makes life difficult. He doesn't share his feelings and me living so far away is limiting. He makes me feel alive. We are going to have a talk...

Then, I went back to my parents where my older sister, brother-in-law and nephew were...and I found out they are expecting again. Moments later I also found out my little sister miscarried and my older sister was talking about moving back to Iowa in the very near future. Job interviews were already set up and everything. My heart stopped. My world stopped. I had to fight so hard to keep the tears away...which eventually hit later, multiple times. My nephew was 90% why I chose Texas as the place to try something new. I see him every 6-8 weeks. He's my whole world and the best part of life. Immediately I started thinking of moving, but I don't want to be back in Iowa. 

I've been a wreck. I've been looking at jobs and housing in Kansas City which is still about 3 hours from my nephew...and everyone else. It was so hard to leave this time. It's been so hard being away, being alone. I just don't know what to do. On top of this, I hate work. I feel sick going in the building. I lose my appetite and get anxiety. I've gone maybe one day this week without crying. My life just seems to be a mess. My heart hurts. It aches so badly for complete and utter happiness, a feeling I don't know very well, but I know I had felt a piece of when I was home. I don't know what to do...

Conflicting Emotions

I don't really even know where to begin tonight, or this morning I guess. In a way I sort of feel two faced. I've never felt so many conflicting and opposing emotions all at once. 

People are constantly asking me:

1. "How are you?"

2. "How's your job?"

3. "How are you liking Texas?" 

4. "How did you make such a huge move on your own?"

5. "Have you met anyone?"

6. "What kind of plans do you have for yourself?"

Most of the time I have no idea what to respond with. Most of the time I can't form a thought or response that would make sense to anyone. I have never felt more unsure about my life. 

My thoughts vs my answers to the above: 

1. Thoughts: I am happy, sad, independent, lonely, excited, scared, angry and confused. 

Answer: I am great. 

2. Thoughts: I hate it. I love the people. I've never felt like I don't know anything about my job before. Why did I get a new job? I like the money. I hate going to work. I love the hours. There's so much opportunity. Is this what my future holds? Is this it? Where do I go from here?

Answer: It's going well. It's a lot, but it's still new. 

3. Thoughts: I love it. It's so hot. There's no snow. It's so far from everyone. It's close to my nephew. It's a change. There's so much to do. It's been challenging. It's scary. I wish I could be in two places at once. I'm so poor. 

Answer: I love it. 

4. Thoughts: I have no fucking idea. I just survived. Am I surviving? What am I doing? Why did I think I could do this alone? I feel like I'm drowning. I feel so free. I've learned so much about myself. 

Answer: I knew it was right to be near my nephew. 

5. Thoughts: Fuck no. Are there any good men left? Why does everyone keep asking me that? There's so much pressure. I wish I could find someone. I want to find someone. I'm going to be the last one. 

Answer: No, not yet. :)

6. Thoughts: Fuck if I know, I just need to get through today. I'd love to go back to school...I think. What do I do now? I'm barely getting by as it is. I just uprooted my life what more do you want from me right now?

Answer: Oh I want to go back to school soon. 

I feel full of crap. I feel so fake, but I don't want to spill my guts to everyone. I don't want to complain. I don't want to seem ungrateful for where my life is right now. My mind won't shut off. I can't stop the constant battle of my thoughts and feelings. Half of the time I don't know which way is up. 

Part of me thinks I need to find another therapist since my last one has moved, but then I have to start over, again. I feel like my life is a constant stream of start-overs. I should probably quit men, again. It's no use... 

There have been a lot of reminders of the past recently. I am still friends with half of Austin's (my high school boyfriend) family on Facebook. It is a constant reminder of the family I once (and still occasionally) longed and hoped to be a part of. A family that I still love dearly and miss. I think there was a part of me that thought he and I would still end up together, that we would go our separate ways and come back to each other. Clearly that isn't how the story goes.... He was the first and last boy to ever tell me he loved me, that fact alone scares me shitless. Maybe there won't be another. It has been 7 1/2 years of waiting; of heartbreak. Life made sense then. I felt like life was headed in the right direction and I knew what I was doing. Now, I'm lost. I think I'm happy with who I am as a person, but I don't feel like I know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I seem to be floating around with no real direction. 

Then there's Kyle. The one person, after the most horrible heartache in the world, made me feel ok. He's always had a way of making me feel safe and understood. I've been in love with him since the beginning and part of me feels like we are supposed to be together. So, of course I move 1000 miles away....  He's seen me at my darkest. He's carried me through some of the worst days of my life. He makes me laugh and feel special. The only problem with Kyle is that he can never tell me how he feels. It's always confusing. I just want him to be open and honest, but I feel like he's scared. So I go through my days constantly wondering and keeping him in the back of my mind. 

I miss so many people on a daily basis that it makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I've never felt so at home and so out of place at the same time before. 

This is all over the place, and kind of dark and jaded, but I needed to get these thoughts out. I've been battling them for quite some time now...

Just a few words...

I don't have much to say tonight, but so much on my mind. The loneliness hit hard today. I'm not even sure how or why as I was surrounded by family and friends most of the day. But, as I drove home from my cousins house, the tears just wouldn't stop. 

I'm also tired of hearing "it will happen eventually" and "you just haven't met the right one". I feel so unworthy when no guy can stand to be with me for more than a few weeks. I feel unlovable. I feel like I'm paying for some wrong doing, of what I'm unsure. I'm just afraid I'll go my whole life never experiencing the one thing I long for most....

Update

I know it's been a couple weeks since I set up some "rules" for myself...so I thought I'd check in. :)

I've been eating mostly well.. I think I may be more 80/20, but it's better than nothing. It's hard some days to eat the lunch I packed for work. It's hard to not go through the drive thru on my way home from work, but I can tell a difference and I'm starting to feel better. 

I've been hitting the gym 3-4 times a week. Not as much as I'd like, but again, it's a start. I'm hoping to increase my gym attendance with the coming weeks. I've forgotten how much I love to lift and to be active. It's still hard to motivate myself to get there some days though. Some days I'd rather get a beer...and sometimes I choose the beer. But I reason with myself and I don't have too many either. 

School: I've done nothing on this front and I'm angry about it. My drive to go back comes and goes. My desire to get on things to go back passes by. Most days I can't wait to go back because I know it will get me where I want to be. But then I get scared again. Then I feel lazy...and then I feel stuck. I need to give this more attention and energy...

I hate men. Yes, still. I've taken down my online profiles and haven't missed them really. But I do miss having a guy or two to talk to. I've had a guy from the past try to worm his way back in and I let him for awhile, but I've taken care of that now. Or I guess he did because he disappeared. Again. Which starts the sadness and frustration all over again. I'm working on it... With the removal of men from my life, though, it's allowed more time to think about my ex, Kyle. It's allowed me to long for him more. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm so torn. I obviously don't know how he feels and I'm not sure I ever will, but I keep thinking about if I wasn't in Texas, would we have a chance? Would he want me back? How could things be different? I love Texas and my life here, but I get so lonely. All. The. Time. Most days my heart is in two states. I'm so ready for the next step and so scared it won't ever come for me. 

Last Saturday I ran my first 5K in several years. I ran the Race for the Cure. This is something I usually walk with my grandma who is a survivor, but since we couldn't be together I wanted to run in her honor. It was a completely moving experience. I also know two other women who are survivors, one of which is fighting another round, and I ran in their honor, too. I had tears in my eyes the whole time and I ran the WHOLE thing. I was beyond proud of myself and humbled at the experience. I will definitely do it next year. 

Detox

As I'm writing this I'm waiting for my NyQuil to kick in... So I must hurry. ;)

Starting tomorrow (April 1st) I will be detoxing. No, I'm not doing a juice detox, I'm doing a life detox. As I mentioned last time, I wasn't committing 100% to working out, I haven't been consistent with eating right, I'm not confident about school and I hate men..... So I'm detoxing. 

First, tomorrow I'm starting a 30 day (and will hopefully continue after that) Paleo/Whole30 lifestyle. I'm going to be doing this 90/10. Most days I will be 100%, but I know I have to allow for a slip up. Plus, there are things that are Paleo that are not Whole30, like dark chocolate. :) 

Second, I'm hitting the gym. Now, like every other time I plan to start a regimen, I've gotten this horrible sinus/allergy crap going on... So I may not hit the gym till Monday, but I WILL start. I haven't been in almost a month and it makes me so mad. I really have no excuse, but I make one up every morning. Yes, I do believe my depression plays a part, but I need to push through and overcome this struggle. 

Third, either later this week or next (depending on how I'm feeling with this sinus crap), I will be going to the college to get things figured out so I can take at least one class this summer and then more come fall. I'm still scared and I still doubt my dedication and ability to follow through, but I know this new job I started is not a forever thing for me. It is not a career and I'm at an age and point in my life where I need to figure out where I'm headed career-wise. My cousin also shared something with me recently that really struck me. She told me that since she was 27, single with nothing promising on the horizon in the relationship aspect that she decided to make her career her main focus. Well, she recently go a new (higher up) job making more money and has met a really great guy. Now, I obviously don't think that just because it worked for her that's how it will work for me, but she had a great point and it was a great outlook to have. Which brings me to my forth and final point of the night since I can start to feel the effects of this NyQuil... 😴😬😂

Forth, tomorrow I will be deleting my online dating profiles. Yes, I have more than one... None of them are bringing anything positive into my life so I'm ridding myself of the unnecessary drama, hurt, confusion and let downs. I will be focusing on ME. Now, I have said this a few times in the past, but this time I plan on sticking to my word. I am the most important person right now and I'm the only person taking care of me, so why not put all my energy into making my life the best it can be RIGHT NOW? (Disclaimer: there will still be times of loneliness, sadness, missing exes, anger, etc...I AM a girl after all, but I know I need to go through with these actions to make any future relationships complete.)

Though I know I write this blog for myself, if I have readers and you want to hold me accountable, please feel free to do so!! It's not always easy going it alone...

Speechless

I know it's been quite awhile since I've written....

For some updates, I left the clinic and now have a new job and plans to finally go back to school...which still scares the hell out of me. I still doubt myself. But, I just finished my first month of training and things seem to be going well. 

I'm getting back into a workout routine, but I still haven't mastered it yet. I need to just completely focus on it and commit 100%. I think I'm still kicking myself for falling off the wagon last time and it's hard to get back. 

I hate men. I can't even get excited about a new prospect anymore. I already know how it will end. I don't even tell people I've met some either. What's the point in getting others excited? Plus, when he does disappear I have to tell everyone that yet another guy doesn't want me. It gets old and it's exhausting. I just want to be wanted and loved. I'm so tired of being alone. 

Oh and yay to all those out there in love and getting engaged or married or pregnant. I'm super happy for you...

I haven't written in awhile mostly because I'm not sure what to even say anymore. Most of the time I just feel like an idiot for thinking I can have it all some day. 

Icing on my awesome cake: still very much in love with my ex... 

The Struggle

I've been putting off this post for awhile now cause it's not something I like to talk about. Here it goes...depression. 

The pain and struggle of depression is very real. I've been thinking a lot about my four month downward spirl and weight gain. I had just spent time with one of my best friends who came to visit. When she left, I felt alone again. I just got in this funk and depression reared it's ugly head once again. 

I couldn't get myself to the gym. Or the grocery store. I kept putting off getting back into my healthy routine and I practically lived off of drive thru meals...

The struggle is real. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I struggle take a shower. I struggle to get myself to work. I struggle to get to the store for healthy food...and then to prepare it. I struggle to eat the healthy food. I struggle to get myself to the gym. I struggle to get myself out of the house. I struggle... 

I have to fight and push myself daily. I have to tell myself that the gym and that salad are worth it, that my life is worth it. Because, to be honest, most days I don't feel like it is. I don't see the purpose. I can't see the worth. 

Luckily I have friends and family who show me love on a daily basis and who push me to be the best I can be. But, I am alone. I have very few people close by that I am close with to lean on. Asking for help is something I also struggle to do. I'm very independent and don't want to seem weak. 

I've been back in the gym fairly regularly for almost three weeks now. I'm starting to feel a little better in that regard. I've been eating well too and I know it's helping. I just have to keep pressing on. I have to keep pushing past the struggle...

Welcome to 2015...

"Happy New Year" is something I've heard a lot lately. Today is the first day of a new year, 2015 is here. 

With a new year comes all sorts of resolutions. Everyone is talking about the changes they want to make to themselves. I guess I am no different in this regard. 

Last year I worked my ass off for about 8 months to get fit and healthy. I came close to my goal weight and I'd never felt better. I let myself slip and these past four months I've gained it all back, plus some. I'm beyond angry with myself and very frustrated. How could I let this happen? Why didn't I stop myself? Why couldn't I control myself? 

I know I have to stop beating myself up, but it's hard. I did this to myself. I now have to work hard to get back to where I was and then get to where I want to be. It's not going to be easy, but I know I can do it. I'm not quitting this time. 

This year I'm choosing to focus on myself. Seems kinda silly since it's always just been me, right? Yes, I'm still single. But, I feel like I'm always looking, always focused on that part of my life and looking for my next chapter... But I'm already in it, without a guy. I know I need to stop putting so much focus and pressure on a romantic relationship and focus on being the best version of myself.  So, 2015 is all about Aimee. 

I have a feeling, though, that I will need help remaining focused on myself. I have a tendency to put others before me. Not this time. It's my time. 

I've been feeling down lately, missing family and friends back home during this holiday season. I don't have many friends close by to spend time with and it's hard. I've been doing mostly everything on my own, which can wear on a person. I feel like I have to carry it all by myself. I miss my family. I miss my best friends. But this move to Texas was the first step in focusing my life...on myself. 

I'm feeling alone and I'm feeling sad, but I have a strong feeling that 2015 is going to be a great year for me.