"Darkness must precede the dawn..."

Last night the tears flowed endlessly. Tears of frustration. Tears of loneliness. Tears of sadness. Tears of worry. Tears of pain. Tears of tiredness. Tears of brokenness. And it probably didn't help to watch "The Notebook"...

I don't even know where to begin, except that I feel like a broken record with what my thoughts and feels are right now. 

Mr. Iowa is gone for good. Deleted off Facebook and number deleted out of my phone. I'm done with that mess. 

I met a new guy two weeks ago- we connected more than I think I've ever connected with anyone. I've never felt so in sync with someone and more like myself with someone, ever. 

Friday night he called around 11pm and we talked and laughed like normal. Saturday he was supposed to help me move and then take me to a concert...but I never heard from him. I called and texted all day, I even went to his place to make sure he was ok- no response. I still have yet to hear from him. I've experienced every emotion under the sun. I don't understand. I'm hurt and confused. No one had ever treated me with such respect and honor before, nor been more of a gentleman- and then he disappears just like the rest. In the blink of an eye... 

I'm taking myself out of the dating scene. I've said it before, but this time is different. My heart can't take it anymore. It's too painful to get rejected time after time. A little part of me dies every time and I fear one day I will have nothing left to give. 

I know everyone believes I will meet someone someday... But more and more, I don't believe this to be true. I know I will get the comments of "just give it time" and "you're so young" and "he obviously wasn't the right one, but the right one will come!". Well if you feel like saying any of these or something along these lines, don't. I don't want to hear them nor do I believe them. 

I'm working on being content with the single lifestyle, with possibly never having children of my own unless I adopt. The thought of never giving my parents grandchildren haunts me late at night. I want to be a mother more than anything, but maybe it's not meant to be. I don't want to have children in my 30s and I'm damn near 30 right now. I'm scared to death of living life alone forever. What kind of life is that, really? I wish I felt purpose... 

I am in the process of finishing up a move to the other side of town. I despise packing. It's been tough to put it all in boxes. To fit it all in one room. It will be a change living in a house with two people. I'm welcoming the change- yet I still feel alone. 

Sunday night I drove up to Austin to see a Christian rock band I used to follow in high school. The members are all different except the lead singer with whom I got to hang out with before the concert. The long drive to Austin and the lyrics sung that night touched my soul in a deep way. I needed that night more than I could have ever imagined. It had been nearly four years since I'd seen a show by this group and it was nothing short of amazing. The lead singer, David, is such an inspiring person and I've been blessed by his music for nearly eight years. Supporting their music has been more of a blessing to me than I think I've realized...

I woke up to a cloudy world today. The temperature was cooler and the breeze thin and crisp. I woke up to darkness today...just waiting for the light to come back... 

And it's stopped...

So just days ago my heart was so full and happy it was about to explode. Well, I feel like my heart has stopped now. Mr. Iowa is apparently still with his "ex" and was going to try and deny it until I sent a picture with proof. With the things we talked about and even talked about doing.... I'm speechless. I feel numb. I don't understand. Yet, am I surprised? Not really. This kind of shit happens to me every damn time. I feel like every time something good starts to happen, life just laughs and punches me in the face. 

What is so wrong with me? Why do i constantly get people who treat me like I'm worthless? As a person who struggles with depression, being treated like I'm nothing makes me feel like nothing. I try to build myself up and all, but I can only do so much. I do have great friends whom I probably offend every time I hit a low spot because I'm so negative and maybe even rude, but I just want to feel good. I want to feel normal. 

Most days I just don't want to go on...