Challenges

So I wasn't going to post again this soon, but I just had to share this...

I just finished a 30 day Instagram challenge (that I made up). The challenge was to find one thing every day that made me smile or made me happy. I can't even begin to describe the effect this has had on me. 

Some days were easy. I found something right away that made me happy. Other days were more of a challenge if you may... But, each day I had something to look forward to. Each day I was looking for the "happy". I was paying attention to the little things. Some days it was even creating these moments (buying my favorite food, going to a favorite place, etc). But either way, I was appreciating everything. I was choosing to be happy. Happy. Not an emotion people feel all the time. This past month was full of some very difficult moments, but even on those days I CHOSE to find some sort of happy in them. 

This was such a great exercise for me. I've struggled a lot in the last year. I've been through hell. I've heard people talk about creating your own happiness, well I'm a believer in that now. 

Even though this challenge is over, I will still continue to look for the happy in each day. I will choose to be happy. 

Be Still, My Heart...

A lot has happened since I last posted and I want to write about everything, but right now I have one thing on my mind: Iowa guy. Yes, I'm still talking to him. I even turned down one of the guys here because I couldn't stop thinking about Mr. Iowa. The others I'm still talking to here and there, but Mr. Iowa consumes most of my thoughts... 

He makes me feel unlike anything else. We've even had some "dirty" texting conversations which is totally not like me, but he just has this effect on me. I want to be near him. I want to kiss him...badly. We have established that we both like each other... Yay! Right? I should be happy knowing the guy I'm into is also into me, but it's more complicated being 1000 miles apart. 

A lot has crossed my mind with all this. Do I have to move back to Iowa? Will he come visit? Would he ever move? I don't like the snow. I love Texas. I don't want to move and have him disappear again. How do I know it's really. I'm so scared... 

I am going home for Thanksgiving and we have already talked about seeing each other and he mentions it often when we talk. So that's good, right? I'm dying to see him. To be close to him. 

We got to FaceTime last night...which sent my heart and mind into overdrive. He looked so damn cute. So funny...just like I remember. I miss him... And I totally like that boy... 

Deep down I know this is all so early on and we have time. Time. Life is all about timing, I can't believe we are both into each other after all this time. I can't believe we are talking after all this time. Time. There's a lot to be figured out, but I know we have time.... 

My heart is bursting. I really like this boy...

Birthday Weekend

Well, Saturday was my 26th birthday. My friend "Jack" and I went to an event called Margarta Pour Off. It was a lot of fun and we got to sample several different margaritas, listen to some music and just enjoy each other's company. The rain held off and the weather was perfect. He's such a good guy and a good friend. I'm lucky to have him... 

Throughout the day, several of my other friends started canceling on my evening plans. It really hurt my feelings a lot. I ended up going to my favorite country bar alone... One coworker did show up and we had a few beers and a pretty good time, but it was nothing like I was hoping. Oh, and Mr. Not so wonderful was there. Yes, of all the nights I see him there- my birthday of course! I hadn't seen him in about two months. It stung a little, but I made sure he saw me. Several times...

I hate being so far away from my best friends. I hate going it alone. This has been one of the hardest things about this move. I'm alone. I have some family here and I've met some good friends, buy essentially, I'm alone. I never saw myself making this move alone. In my mind, I always thought I'd get married and my husband and I would embark on this journey together. We would have each other to lean on and to help each other... Mentally, emotionally and even financially. So, when I decided I couldn't wait any longer, I ended up here. Alone. 

This year has been tough. Really tough. Most days I'm not sure how much more I can take. How much longer I will last. I'm so ungodly poor. I have very few people here I feel I can count on. Some days I just want to throw in the towel and succumb to my failure. I feel like God is looking down on me and laughing. Why did I think I could do this on my own? I'm not strong enough. I don't make enough money. I don't have what it takes... I start to cry when those from back home tell me how proud they are of me. Why are they proud? I'm failing. I'm at another job where I feel stuck. School is a big question mark. I struggle to make it paycheck to paycheck. Besides the fact that I undoubtedly love Texas, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm so scared. I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want them to see me weak. 

Back to the birthday situation- I wish I could have celebrated with my best friends. I know none of them would have ditched me and I miss them. 

I came home from the bar around 1:30am. Today I really didn't feel like leaving my apartment or doing anything, but I really wanted Jimmy Johns. So I walked to my car, only to discover that someone had stolen all four tires. I can't catch a break. See why I feel like a failure? I know this is not my fault, but maybe a sign? I just broke down after that. I hate people. Why can't something amazing happen to me? 

On a more positive note, my best friend Kelli will be here in two days. Best friend time and five days off work can not get here fast enough.... 

Overload

I have not written in quite some time, mostly because I have so much going on in my head I don't know how to put it down in words. I'm surprised my head hasn't exploded yet...

I did SO well with my eating and exercising, for one week. Now two weeks have passed and I haven't been to the gym and I'm not eating well. I'm so pissed at myself. This happens every single damn time. I know I don't like how I look, so why isn't that enough motivation to change it?! I use way too many excuses. It's unacceptable. I need to get it together or I will forever be uncomfortable with my body, and what guy is attracted to a self conscious woman? Not many... I have my birthday coming up and company coming to town, but after that, things have to change. They just have to. 

Work is horrible. Some days I go in and think this is all still doable. Other days I just want to cry and walk out. I don't know what to do. I love my coworkers, but I didn't uproot my whole life to feel stuck at a job again. I'm keeping my options open and putting my résumé out there, but I don't know what will happen. I guess for now I just need to focus on one day at a time. I have to believe it will all work out eventually. 

Boys. Boys, boys, boys.... Oy is the dating world ever so complicated for this girl. I have four "fish on the line" as my coworker and I like to say. Three of which are right here in San Antonio, very interested in me and are making the effort. The fourth, though, is back in Iowa and unfortunately the one I'm most interested in. There's quite the back story with him, but he's kind of, in a way, the one that got a way I guess. I'm surprised he's texting me and initiating a good majority of it, too. 

The other three, well, they are nice and fun to be around and talk to, but there's just something missing I think with each of them. But, I keep talking to them and hanging out with them, hoping it might change? Hoping I'm over looking something or being too quick to judge... But when I'm thinking of Iowa guy when I leave them, or I'm texting him back while they go to the restroom...I think something is wrong, right?? Ugh. But what good can come out of this when the guy I'm interested in is so far away and we haven't seen each other in over 1 1/2 years?? But we've picked up where we left off like nothing ever happened. I REALLY like him. I can't stop thinking about him. I want to see him SO badly it almost hurts. Why did I reach out to him? Why couldn't I just leave it alone? I can't believe he's been thinking of me this whole time too. 

I have no idea what to do. My mind and my heart are just so fucked up right now. I don't know what to think or feel. There's so much going on. So much to process. 

I wish there was a clear answer...