I had such an amazing trip, but it's left me feeling confused, sad and lonelier than ever.
First stop was Kansas City seeing one of my besties. We had a blast! It was so good to finally see her again and catch up...and hug! That's one of the hardest parts about long distance friendships, you don't get to hug the, nearly as often as you'd like, or need. I finally got to meet her boyfriend whom I'd heard SO much about. He's really fun and they are great together. We drank and drank and drank some more! Finally saw my Red Sox play after about four years! The game was a blast- especially since we won!! I got to see much more of KC than I ever have before. It's really a great city and has a lot of offer!! The KC leg of my trip was perfect. We had plans, but not much that was set in stone so we got to relax and sleep in and change our minds- it was great.
Next came Iowa, where every minute was planned out, quite literally. I knew from the start it would be exhausting. First I saw my old roomie/bestie #2. We went out to one of the bars we used to frequent and just had a blast. The next day we took one of our infamous road trips, this time to north eastern Iowa. We saw the bachelors house in Arlington, I was so embarrassed!!!! Then we drove through the countryside on back roads to the Mississippi River and ate lunch and just enjoyed each other's company. It was an awesome day.
The next day I went out to lunch with an old best friend from high school who is due to pop any day! It was great to catch up and hear about her life and kids. I'm so proud of where she's gotten herself to in life and of the mom she is. She's amazing.
After lunch I went up to visit my college peeps in northern Iowa. I went to Algona, which is where my grandparents live and also where my ex/best friend now lives. I surprised him at his apartment. He's the only one who didn't know I was coming and I like to see the look on his face. Our other friend had been trying to get him to agree to go to karaoke that night but he made other plans...which he canceled once he knew I wanted to go to karaoke. So we got in his truck, grabbed some beers and headed on the hour-ish drive for Okoboji. He started to speed up and then said "hell we aren't in a hurry" and set the cruise at 60. We drank and he played me his current favorite songs. I could NOT stop smiling. My heart felt happy and I felt complete. It was a strange feeling. We talked and laughed like the old days. We met our other friend at the lake and enjoyed some karaoke. Us girls made him sing one of out favorite songs. My other friend couldn't stay long so he and I were alone again. Turns out he wanted to go somewhere else so we got in the truck and were off. We met up with some of his buddies and ate and drank a couple more beers before heading back to his place. In the car on the way home he played a very special song and I hand my hand on his arm and while the song played we just kept looking over at each other. It was pretty powerful. Again, my heart was so happy and I felt the world was right. We got back to his place and got ready for bed. We laid there close together our faces towards each other and we talked. Then we kissed and made out. It was like any other time we have ever kissed. It wasn't drunken and sloppy. It was childish or playful. It was slow, passionate adult kissing. He didn't try anything else. He didn't even take my shirt off. It was very mature and perfect. We cuddled practically all night. He would kiss he top of my head. In the morning he got ready for work then laid back down next to me. He said I could stay as long as I want and just lock up on my way out. He had his hand on my leg and was rubbing it. I couldn't help but think about waking up next to him...all the time. I can't explain it, but I never feel safer or happier than I do in his arms. This makes life difficult. He doesn't share his feelings and me living so far away is limiting. He makes me feel alive. We are going to have a talk...
Then, I went back to my parents where my older sister, brother-in-law and nephew were...and I found out they are expecting again. Moments later I also found out my little sister miscarried and my older sister was talking about moving back to Iowa in the very near future. Job interviews were already set up and everything. My heart stopped. My world stopped. I had to fight so hard to keep the tears away...which eventually hit later, multiple times. My nephew was 90% why I chose Texas as the place to try something new. I see him every 6-8 weeks. He's my whole world and the best part of life. Immediately I started thinking of moving, but I don't want to be back in Iowa.
I've been a wreck. I've been looking at jobs and housing in Kansas City which is still about 3 hours from my nephew...and everyone else. It was so hard to leave this time. It's been so hard being away, being alone. I just don't know what to do. On top of this, I hate work. I feel sick going in the building. I lose my appetite and get anxiety. I've gone maybe one day this week without crying. My life just seems to be a mess. My heart hurts. It aches so badly for complete and utter happiness, a feeling I don't know very well, but I know I had felt a piece of when I was home. I don't know what to do...
