Try, try again

This week has been really trying, and it's only Tuesday. I shed my first tears last night. What was I crying about? The gym. How pathetic!! Like I've said before, my gym back home was amazing. I love the people, I loved the workout I got and I looked forward to going every day. It's so hard to find that kind of quality and now I have to do it again. I went to Gold's Gym last night because I have a free trial and I tried out a class. Disaster. The coach was over the top annoying and I didn't even like the quality of the workout. The workout was tough, because I haven't worked out in two months, but it was nowhere near what I had been doing. And no one seemed really friendly... I just wanted to cry the whole time, and I did when I got home. How awful. So I'm now going to try out a Crossfit bootcamp. Let's hope I like it because I miss working out!!

Every day is an adjustment and I hope it gets better with time. I keep stressing over money and now it's going to be worse with rent, utilities and food... Then add in a gym membership... Ugh. 

I sound miserable, don't I? In all actuality, I do love it here and I'm so glad I took this leap of faith. Gettin my life all figured out is just taking more time than I'd like! Ha! As if I thought it would all happen over night.... 

Tomorrow's a new day. I tell mysel that every night...

Settling in...

Yesterday I moved all of my things into my new apartment, along with a couch and tv from my cousins. I don't have a bed yet so I've been sleeping on the couch... And I will be getting an air mattress to use until I can afford a real mattress. Hardly anything is unpacked except nessecities. I'm really here...

Most days it's still hard to believe that this is my life now. That I'm LIVING in Texas. Once the boxes are unpacked and I start to make this place my home things will feel settled. I feel like I need to pinch myself daily because I get so caught up in the moment. I'm so overwhelmed. Looking at all the boxes just makes me tired. I have no energy. 

While I'm on the subject of no energy, I'm starting a free trial at Gold's Gym tomorrow and I'm hoping I like it. They offer a lot of classes and the facility is really nice. I just really miss my gym back home. I miss that gym family and how I looked forward to getting my workout in every day. I need to find that here. I'm constantly exhausted and unmotivated. I've gained back some of the weight I worked so hard at getting off. It's time to get serious again about my health. I don't want to get in the same rut I was in before moved. I want to feel good about myself and how I look...because that will help me to be happy with who I am and my life. It's not about the number on the scale for me anymore, it's about feeling. I'm very excited to start this journey again. I even have a bootcamp class I will be trying out as well. Cutting out fast food for awhile too will kick start this thing back up. I can't wait to accomplish my goals and to love myself again...

Why'd you have to leave?

Moving away has tons of perks.. Meeting new people, seeing the places, learning new things, trying new foods.. The list goes on and on. I was so excited to be away from everything Iowa had to offer, but I didn't really think about the people I was leaving behind. 

Leaving my dad and grandparents was so hard. I'm a daddy's girl to the core. He's my buddy. We do so much together, I didn't even stop to think of all the crazy things we would no longer get to do together. I'm also very close with my grandma, my mom's mom. I hated leaving her and I cried for a long time. It's hard to be happy about something new when you're sad about not seeing the people you're used to seeing, when you're used to seeing them... We still communicate often, it just isn't the same. 

My roommate wa probably the next hardest to leave. We became best friends and did practically everything together. I felt selfish for "ruining our plans" to be roommates for life. I felt bad leaving her behind, but then again, she didn't want to come with me. 

There were so many times as I prepared to move where I just felt awful for what I was about to do. I felt sick almost thinking about leaving these people and this life, leaving these tentative plans for things in the future. Then I had to stop and think about the only person that really matters in this scenario, myself. I was the unhappy one. I was the one looking for adventure and a new experience. So when I finally take the leap of faith to make my dreams a reality I'm going to focus on everyone around me and how sad they will be without me and how unfair it is that I'm leaving them? Hell no. It was hard to think of me and only me, but it's something I've needed to do for a very long time. This is my life, so I better make the most of it. 

Last night I was watching the movie Burlesque, where the Iowa girl moves to LA...and this conversation happens in the movie:

Ali: Jack, why did you leave Kentucky?

Jack: Well, why did you leave Iowa?

Ali: Because I looked around and realized there wasn't one person whose life I wanted. 

Jack: Exactly 

Exactly!!! I wasn't happy with where my life was going and there wasn't anyone in Iowa that made me believe that that's where it's all happening for people. 

It may have been hard to leave those I love behind, and yes I do miss them every day, but I've never been more proud of myself for what I'm trying to accomplish. 

A new beginning

A month and a half ago I moved from Des Moines, Iowa to San Antonio, Texas. That's right, I packed up (almost) everything I own into my Chevy Cruze and drove away; away from everything I've ever known. I watched the town I grew up in fade away in my rear view mirror and looked out at the horizon. This is the exact moment I'd been waiting for...and I was scared as hell. 

After being in Texas for awhile, the dust has started to settle. I quickly found a job as a receptionist at an ENT clinic which is what I did back home, something familiar. I just signed a lease on an apartment and anxious to be on my own. See, I've been staying with my awesome cousins while I've gotten everything in line. Living alone in a city this size is terrifying... But I'm ready. I've need and wanted to do this for so long, it's finally time. 

I essentially wanted to move away to start fresh, see the world and get out from under the watchful eye of my mother. Deep down, though, I thought moving would make all the bad in my life, all the hurt and anger, just disappear. For awhile it did. I was on this emotional high and life couldn't be better. The wind has stopped and the pieces of my life are coming into focus. I moved my whole life hundreds of miles away, but I'm still me. All the pain I've felt in the past is still in me, it didn't stay in Iowa. 

I love Texas. I feel like this is exactly where I am supposed to be. I just need to focus on myself and figuring out who I am. I need to make myself happy. I left the perfect gym back home, a place I finally felt comfortable and a place I loved to workout, but I can find that here. I feel like in every stage of my life so far I've never been completely happy or satisfied. There's always been certain aspects that were great, but never the whole picture. I want the whole picture. I want to feel happy about who I am. I want to be me.