The Struggle

I've been putting off this post for awhile now cause it's not something I like to talk about. Here it goes...depression. 

The pain and struggle of depression is very real. I've been thinking a lot about my four month downward spirl and weight gain. I had just spent time with one of my best friends who came to visit. When she left, I felt alone again. I just got in this funk and depression reared it's ugly head once again. 

I couldn't get myself to the gym. Or the grocery store. I kept putting off getting back into my healthy routine and I practically lived off of drive thru meals...

The struggle is real. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I struggle take a shower. I struggle to get myself to work. I struggle to get to the store for healthy food...and then to prepare it. I struggle to eat the healthy food. I struggle to get myself to the gym. I struggle to get myself out of the house. I struggle... 

I have to fight and push myself daily. I have to tell myself that the gym and that salad are worth it, that my life is worth it. Because, to be honest, most days I don't feel like it is. I don't see the purpose. I can't see the worth. 

Luckily I have friends and family who show me love on a daily basis and who push me to be the best I can be. But, I am alone. I have very few people close by that I am close with to lean on. Asking for help is something I also struggle to do. I'm very independent and don't want to seem weak. 

I've been back in the gym fairly regularly for almost three weeks now. I'm starting to feel a little better in that regard. I've been eating well too and I know it's helping. I just have to keep pressing on. I have to keep pushing past the struggle...

Welcome to 2015...

"Happy New Year" is something I've heard a lot lately. Today is the first day of a new year, 2015 is here. 

With a new year comes all sorts of resolutions. Everyone is talking about the changes they want to make to themselves. I guess I am no different in this regard. 

Last year I worked my ass off for about 8 months to get fit and healthy. I came close to my goal weight and I'd never felt better. I let myself slip and these past four months I've gained it all back, plus some. I'm beyond angry with myself and very frustrated. How could I let this happen? Why didn't I stop myself? Why couldn't I control myself? 

I know I have to stop beating myself up, but it's hard. I did this to myself. I now have to work hard to get back to where I was and then get to where I want to be. It's not going to be easy, but I know I can do it. I'm not quitting this time. 

This year I'm choosing to focus on myself. Seems kinda silly since it's always just been me, right? Yes, I'm still single. But, I feel like I'm always looking, always focused on that part of my life and looking for my next chapter... But I'm already in it, without a guy. I know I need to stop putting so much focus and pressure on a romantic relationship and focus on being the best version of myself.  So, 2015 is all about Aimee. 

I have a feeling, though, that I will need help remaining focused on myself. I have a tendency to put others before me. Not this time. It's my time. 

I've been feeling down lately, missing family and friends back home during this holiday season. I don't have many friends close by to spend time with and it's hard. I've been doing mostly everything on my own, which can wear on a person. I feel like I have to carry it all by myself. I miss my family. I miss my best friends. But this move to Texas was the first step in focusing my life...on myself. 

I'm feeling alone and I'm feeling sad, but I have a strong feeling that 2015 is going to be a great year for me.