Overload

I have not written in quite some time, mostly because I have so much going on in my head I don't know how to put it down in words. I'm surprised my head hasn't exploded yet...

I did SO well with my eating and exercising, for one week. Now two weeks have passed and I haven't been to the gym and I'm not eating well. I'm so pissed at myself. This happens every single damn time. I know I don't like how I look, so why isn't that enough motivation to change it?! I use way too many excuses. It's unacceptable. I need to get it together or I will forever be uncomfortable with my body, and what guy is attracted to a self conscious woman? Not many... I have my birthday coming up and company coming to town, but after that, things have to change. They just have to. 

Work is horrible. Some days I go in and think this is all still doable. Other days I just want to cry and walk out. I don't know what to do. I love my coworkers, but I didn't uproot my whole life to feel stuck at a job again. I'm keeping my options open and putting my résumé out there, but I don't know what will happen. I guess for now I just need to focus on one day at a time. I have to believe it will all work out eventually. 

Boys. Boys, boys, boys.... Oy is the dating world ever so complicated for this girl. I have four "fish on the line" as my coworker and I like to say. Three of which are right here in San Antonio, very interested in me and are making the effort. The fourth, though, is back in Iowa and unfortunately the one I'm most interested in. There's quite the back story with him, but he's kind of, in a way, the one that got a way I guess. I'm surprised he's texting me and initiating a good majority of it, too. 

The other three, well, they are nice and fun to be around and talk to, but there's just something missing I think with each of them. But, I keep talking to them and hanging out with them, hoping it might change? Hoping I'm over looking something or being too quick to judge... But when I'm thinking of Iowa guy when I leave them, or I'm texting him back while they go to the restroom...I think something is wrong, right?? Ugh. But what good can come out of this when the guy I'm interested in is so far away and we haven't seen each other in over 1 1/2 years?? But we've picked up where we left off like nothing ever happened. I REALLY like him. I can't stop thinking about him. I want to see him SO badly it almost hurts. Why did I reach out to him? Why couldn't I just leave it alone? I can't believe he's been thinking of me this whole time too. 

I have no idea what to do. My mind and my heart are just so fucked up right now. I don't know what to think or feel. There's so much going on. So much to process. 

I wish there was a clear answer...