Birthday Weekend

Well, Saturday was my 26th birthday. My friend "Jack" and I went to an event called Margarta Pour Off. It was a lot of fun and we got to sample several different margaritas, listen to some music and just enjoy each other's company. The rain held off and the weather was perfect. He's such a good guy and a good friend. I'm lucky to have him... 

Throughout the day, several of my other friends started canceling on my evening plans. It really hurt my feelings a lot. I ended up going to my favorite country bar alone... One coworker did show up and we had a few beers and a pretty good time, but it was nothing like I was hoping. Oh, and Mr. Not so wonderful was there. Yes, of all the nights I see him there- my birthday of course! I hadn't seen him in about two months. It stung a little, but I made sure he saw me. Several times...

I hate being so far away from my best friends. I hate going it alone. This has been one of the hardest things about this move. I'm alone. I have some family here and I've met some good friends, buy essentially, I'm alone. I never saw myself making this move alone. In my mind, I always thought I'd get married and my husband and I would embark on this journey together. We would have each other to lean on and to help each other... Mentally, emotionally and even financially. So, when I decided I couldn't wait any longer, I ended up here. Alone. 

This year has been tough. Really tough. Most days I'm not sure how much more I can take. How much longer I will last. I'm so ungodly poor. I have very few people here I feel I can count on. Some days I just want to throw in the towel and succumb to my failure. I feel like God is looking down on me and laughing. Why did I think I could do this on my own? I'm not strong enough. I don't make enough money. I don't have what it takes... I start to cry when those from back home tell me how proud they are of me. Why are they proud? I'm failing. I'm at another job where I feel stuck. School is a big question mark. I struggle to make it paycheck to paycheck. Besides the fact that I undoubtedly love Texas, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm so scared. I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want them to see me weak. 

Back to the birthday situation- I wish I could have celebrated with my best friends. I know none of them would have ditched me and I miss them. 

I came home from the bar around 1:30am. Today I really didn't feel like leaving my apartment or doing anything, but I really wanted Jimmy Johns. So I walked to my car, only to discover that someone had stolen all four tires. I can't catch a break. See why I feel like a failure? I know this is not my fault, but maybe a sign? I just broke down after that. I hate people. Why can't something amazing happen to me? 

On a more positive note, my best friend Kelli will be here in two days. Best friend time and five days off work can not get here fast enough....