You see, Thanksgiving was always spent the same way. Every year. (Until I moved two years ago of course) we would always go to my grandparents house and spend the whole day eating, laughing, playing games, telling stories and watching football with the majority of my dad's side of the family. It was always a blast. Thanksgiving was a source of consistency in an ever changing environment. Thanksgiving was always one day I could count on when all was right with the world. One day I could look forward to with great anticipation not be let down. Every other holiday seemed to change the older I got. Christmas was never the same going into adulthood. Everyone grew up, moved away, started families and it just became hard to get everyone together. That's why I loved Thanksgiving. Now that I've moved away and can't afford to make the trip home for the holidays, it becomes more apparent that everything will eventually change. It's hard to have to FIND somewhere to go for Thanksgiving. It almost feels like I have to ask to be a part of someone else's traditions and holiday memories. Holidays and special occasions feel anything but normal in Texas. I'm hoping this will be something that comes with time, I'm just unsure how much time it will take. Around this time of year, tears flow more frequently now. My emotions run high and the little things mean more than ever. It almost hurts physically to listen to friends and coworkers talk about holiday plans with loved ones. I don't want to seem like a Debbie downer so I force a smile and continue to listen to their preparations and plans, as I sit there contemplating what I will do. Deep down I wonder if this will be the holiday I have to spend home alone. Luckily I have wonderful cousins that live near me that love including me in all aspects of their life and with whom I will be spending my beloved holiday with, but it still doesn't feel right. It's not the same and I fear it never will be.
With the holidays comes the other dreaded topic of conversation: singleness. I've had a lot on my heart and mind regarding this subject for quite some time and just haven't been able to put down in words how I feel, but I think it's time I try...
I have been single for over seven years now. Yes, I've dated here and there, but my last relationship was seven years ago. Typing that makes me want to cry. I've been on countless dates. I've got number in my phone from guy I don't even remember because our conversation lasted all of two minutes. I've hundreds of dating horror stories. I've also been on numerous dating websites. I don't know what it's even like to be in a relationship. Or to have someone genuinely interested in me. When I meet a guy and start talking I wait for one of two things: a long text explaining why "this" isn't going to work or silence. I've yet to decide which is worse. I don't get excited when I meet a "great" guy anymore. I try to avoid meeting them at all. I don't tell anyone if I do meet someone because it's embarrassing and disappointing to have to tell these same people days later, "just kidding, he's gone!"
Am I ok being single? Yes. I enjoy living my life the way I want and doing everything that I want to do when I want to do it. I love the freedom. But I want more. I'm ready for more.
I don't know of anyone who actually understands all this. Friends say they get it. But they don't. Have you been single seven years? No I didn't think so. Everyone wants to tell me how to be single and where to meet someone. Everyone tells me how great it must be. They tell me I should just enjoy it. They can't feel the pain of loneliness, because there is actual pain associated with it. They don't know the agony of getting to know someone new day in and day out. Explaining your situation and what you want out of life. It's exhausting and I'm so tired of it. I don't want to open up to anyone else just to have to turn around and do it again, because I know I'll have to. I know, you think I'm just being negative. But that's the other thing people don't understand, it's hard to be positive and upbeat about a situation you've lived through so many times with the same outcome. I have to be realistic and cautious. I have to have a guard up.
I still cry every time. I don't cry over the specific guy, I cry over the situation. I cry and wonder to myself why I tried again. I wonder why I thought this time would be different. I just cry....
The majority of my best friends and family are in relationships or dating someone. I am genuinely happy for each and every one of them. I really am. But, sometimes it's hard. I listen to their excitement over someone new. I listen to the adorable things he did unexpectedly and squeal with them in excitement. I listen to them rant about how stupid he was and I share in their frustration over their arguments. I listen to the family drama between his and hers. I listen to stories of their weekends together. I cheer them on every single step of the way. I feel their excitement, their anger, their joy, their pain, their love and their confusion. I share it all with them all while harboring a small pain inside wondering if they will ever get to share in those things with me, if I will ever get to experience them firsthand again.
Being single during the holidays just adds to the pain.
I don't really feel I have a clever way to end this passage, but I'm glad to rid these thoughts from my mind. Below is an article I found recently that hit me square in the chest. I cried of course. Someone else ACTUALLY gets it. It is a great read for singles and those in relationships.
I will end on a note of Thanksgiving- I am so very thankful for my life, my family and my friends. I am blessed in ways I shouldn't be and with things I shouldn't have and for that I am grateful. I am beyond thankful for our military personnel and what they do daily for me to live this life. I am thankful for a job, car and roof over my head.
Happy Thanksgiving y'all ❤️
No comments:
Post a Comment