People are constantly asking me:
1. "How are you?"
2. "How's your job?"
3. "How are you liking Texas?"
4. "How did you make such a huge move on your own?"
5. "Have you met anyone?"
6. "What kind of plans do you have for yourself?"
Most of the time I have no idea what to respond with. Most of the time I can't form a thought or response that would make sense to anyone. I have never felt more unsure about my life.
My thoughts vs my answers to the above:
1. Thoughts: I am happy, sad, independent, lonely, excited, scared, angry and confused.
Answer: I am great.
2. Thoughts: I hate it. I love the people. I've never felt like I don't know anything about my job before. Why did I get a new job? I like the money. I hate going to work. I love the hours. There's so much opportunity. Is this what my future holds? Is this it? Where do I go from here?
Answer: It's going well. It's a lot, but it's still new.
3. Thoughts: I love it. It's so hot. There's no snow. It's so far from everyone. It's close to my nephew. It's a change. There's so much to do. It's been challenging. It's scary. I wish I could be in two places at once. I'm so poor.
Answer: I love it.
4. Thoughts: I have no fucking idea. I just survived. Am I surviving? What am I doing? Why did I think I could do this alone? I feel like I'm drowning. I feel so free. I've learned so much about myself.
Answer: I knew it was right to be near my nephew.
5. Thoughts: Fuck no. Are there any good men left? Why does everyone keep asking me that? There's so much pressure. I wish I could find someone. I want to find someone. I'm going to be the last one.
Answer: No, not yet. :)
6. Thoughts: Fuck if I know, I just need to get through today. I'd love to go back to school...I think. What do I do now? I'm barely getting by as it is. I just uprooted my life what more do you want from me right now?
Answer: Oh I want to go back to school soon.
I feel full of crap. I feel so fake, but I don't want to spill my guts to everyone. I don't want to complain. I don't want to seem ungrateful for where my life is right now. My mind won't shut off. I can't stop the constant battle of my thoughts and feelings. Half of the time I don't know which way is up.
Part of me thinks I need to find another therapist since my last one has moved, but then I have to start over, again. I feel like my life is a constant stream of start-overs. I should probably quit men, again. It's no use...
There have been a lot of reminders of the past recently. I am still friends with half of Austin's (my high school boyfriend) family on Facebook. It is a constant reminder of the family I once (and still occasionally) longed and hoped to be a part of. A family that I still love dearly and miss. I think there was a part of me that thought he and I would still end up together, that we would go our separate ways and come back to each other. Clearly that isn't how the story goes.... He was the first and last boy to ever tell me he loved me, that fact alone scares me shitless. Maybe there won't be another. It has been 7 1/2 years of waiting; of heartbreak. Life made sense then. I felt like life was headed in the right direction and I knew what I was doing. Now, I'm lost. I think I'm happy with who I am as a person, but I don't feel like I know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I seem to be floating around with no real direction.
Then there's Kyle. The one person, after the most horrible heartache in the world, made me feel ok. He's always had a way of making me feel safe and understood. I've been in love with him since the beginning and part of me feels like we are supposed to be together. So, of course I move 1000 miles away.... He's seen me at my darkest. He's carried me through some of the worst days of my life. He makes me laugh and feel special. The only problem with Kyle is that he can never tell me how he feels. It's always confusing. I just want him to be open and honest, but I feel like he's scared. So I go through my days constantly wondering and keeping him in the back of my mind.
I miss so many people on a daily basis that it makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I've never felt so at home and so out of place at the same time before.
This is all over the place, and kind of dark and jaded, but I needed to get these thoughts out. I've been battling them for quite some time now...
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