Head vs Heart

Last night I went to my favorite little country bar with my coworker and we had a blast. Mr. N-S-W was not there...and I'm still not sure how that makes me feel. I go there and I'm anxious. Part of me still wants to see him. I don't know what it is about him, but it makes me sick. I feel like I'm constantly looking around to see if he shows up. He's everywhere, though, outside of the bar. Someone on Instagram likes my photo and has the same name, a band requests to follow me on twitter who's band name has his name in it, or the song I find on YouTube is posted by someone with him name. He's all around, yet no where at all...

I met someone last night. HOT AS HELL. Navy man. We hit it off well and his friends were a hoot. I admit I drank more than I should have, but it was fun. We made out. A lot. I laid into him heavy and put all the cards on the table. We talked about a lot of shit and he knew I was skeptical of how genuine he really was, or wasn't. We talked about trust issues, on both sides, what we wanted from a relationship and so much more. It was kind of intense. 

Never heard from him today. I know you are SO surprised. I am not. Yes, I wanted to believe he was true and that he meant what he said. And deep down a little part of me did, I have to give every guy a fair shot. But what is it so fucking hard for a guy to be honest? How hard is it to say what you really want or feel? I constantly feel so led on and I'm sick of it. I made the move last night and I'm kind of mad at myself for it because that is what I'm trying to get away from, but I don't regret the experience. 

My emotions and logic are battling it out. I want a guy to prove himself, not just say he will. I want a guy to text me every day. I want a guy who makes me laugh and feel so comfortable. I want to fall in love. But, I'm trying to be a realist and prepare myself for the let down. I may never find this dream guy. I may never find true love. It doesn't always happen for everyone. I want to believe it will happen for me, but a girl can only put up with lies for so long. 

Ok, so it was one night with this guy. I'm not devasted over him. I'm not heartbroken over him. I'm not crying. I'm disappointed in men. I'm exhausted from trying SO hard. I'm frustrated with going all in and getting nothing in return.  I'm tired of not feeling like I'm good enough. 

To change the subject, work still sucks. I think it may be getting worse. There's so much uncertainty and lack of communication. I feel trapped and out of place. I want something different and that scares me a little. Change is scary, I know. I've already made one huge change in my life recently, do I take another leap of faith? If I don't I will probably be miserable every day and what kind of life is that? What's the point in living a life where you aren't happy with what you're doing? 

I need to keep the search going and to keep putting myself out there. Supposedly good things come to good people, but maybe I'm being punished for something. It feels like it at times. I sometimes feel like I can't do anything right or I'm not trying hard enough. I just want to feel satisfied. I want to live a life that's worthy of being shared with someone. Who wants to share a mundane, unhappy life? In other aspects of my life I am happy, I'm not completely unhappy, but I just want the whole package. I want to love my life completely.