Blindsided

Well Mr. Wonderful turned out to be...not so wonderful, and I'm sitting here wondering if I should be surprised. After our perfect evening together, perfect kiss and him opening up and sharing about himself...I didn't hear from him. Three days went by. At first I was ok with it and knew he was busy but I would hear from him eventually. But three days? I decided to send a text and asked him what was going on. His response was unexpected beyond my wildest imagination. He told me not to waste my time because he was still in love with his ex. Do I believe this? I'm not really sure. I specifically asked if he had moved past that relationship yet as soon as I found out it was only 10 months ago that it ended and he said yes. And he pursued me. He initiated every ounce of physical touch between us. He wanted to come over. 

I can't even describe my feelings right now. I'm so pissed, sad, hurt, frustrated, confused, disappointed and devasted. Who do guys think they are? Playing games like this... But, it happens to me. Every. Time. I should not be surprised anymore. But he spent SO much time trying to get me to believe he was different. That he was a good guy. That he was interested. I was slowly believing him and letting the walls down. He was unlike any other guy. Now I realize he really isn't. 

The fairytale we as little girls grew up believing in was shattered for me long ago, but I still had hope that there was something good out there. Something close to it. I don't know what I believe in anymore. I don't know how to move past this. I know everyone will tell me he's just a guy, there will be others, he's not worth it, and it's his loss. All of these things are bullshit. I know y'all just want to make me feel better and all, but these things don't make me feel better. They actually make me feel worse. And these things are usually said by married people or people in relationships, so you all can keep your mouth shut. You don't know what it's like right now. You don't know how it effects someone to get the same treatment, time after time. 

I want to fall in love. I want to have a family and to be a mom, but right now I don't see this in my future. It's absolutely devastating to realize, once again, you weren't enough for someone. 

I went to my favorite country bar last night with a girlfriend for girl time and a much needed beer. Mr. Not-so-wonderful showed up. He tried to wave "hello" to me. What. The. Fuck is wrong with people? I'm sorry for all the colorful embellishment in this post, but I'm just so fed up. Why would I even want to look at you after being lied to, yet alone say anything to you? Sometimes I think we forget everyone has feelings. We forget our actions and our words take a toll on others. We are living in a me centered world and I know I'm guilty of it too, but I just wish people could realize what they are doing. 

I know he's not worth the tears I've shed in the past 24 hours, but that doesn't stop them from coming. It doesn't stop my heart from hurting, but it cleanses. 

I'm glad to have cleared my head for now and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. I will work through this and it will take some time to heal. I'm back to completely focusing on myself. I'm still not playing this dating game. The walls just get higher and thicker. The next guy will have to prove himself way more than he ever should have to, but I can't allow my heart to break any more.