This weekend has been a blast. Friday night I went with some of my best girlfriends to my favorite country bar. We had so much fun...though I drank a TINY bit more than I have in a very long time! I was, again, not focused on finding a guy. I did however want just one to ask me to dance. It had been SO long since I'd gotten to two-step. I danced with not one, but four guys, three of which asked me to dance. The fourth guy I'd seen at the bar several times and he's just a really good dancer!! One of the other guys turne out to be a patient at my clinic. Either way, I felt pretty. I don't feel pretty that often and I know I don't need male attention to feel pretty, but sometimes it helps to get that extra vote of confidence.
I admit, the whole night I was keeping an eye out for Mr. Not-so-wonderful. I just didn't want to be blindsided by him or anything. If he was there I wanted to know about it. He never showed.
The girl time was much needed. I always make time for that, but lately I've felt like a horrible friend. I'm constantly thinking about myself and what I need and how I'm feeling and what step to take next. It's unlike me to be this way, I'm always more concerned about others. I feel selfish. I'm just not ok right now, so how can I make sure others are?
Friday night I sent Mr. N-S-W a drunken text message. Show of hands, who is surprised?? Yea, I didn't think so... All I said was "I can't believe you played me" which I still think is a valid statement. A statement to which I got a text reply of "fuck you". Not sure how to respond in my drunken state I just say, "seriously". I received nothing further.... Until the next afternoon when he sends a text saying, "didn't send that". What is a person supposed to believe. The text message came from his phone, but if he did send it why would he make a claim he didn't, especially if we aren't even talking anymore. It's all just weird and confusing.
Saturday evening was also spent at said favorite country bar because my friend had invited a guy and I wanted to show my support. Well, the guy never showed. I knew she was devastated. I was too. We were having a good time. No Mr. N-S-W, though I'm not sure why it mattered. Suddenly I felt sad. Not sure why or how to explain it.
Part of me wants to see him. I want him to see how good I look without him, though I'm broken inside. I want him to regret it all. Another part of me still thinks, deeeep down, that he's still a good guy. Then there's the part of me that thinks I'm an idiot. He lied to me. Who likes someone who lies?
I don't know how to talk to people about all this. Every hates him. No one trusts him anymore and no one believes him. My friends will take my side no matter what and I love them for that. But I can't stop defending him. I can't stop wanting an explanation. I can't stop wanting him because I know he's different. Or I thought he was different. I'm not really sure right now.
I have a wound. A giant wound on my heart. It appeared about 6 1/2 years ago. My first broken heart. I don't think broken hearts heal. They are mended and put back together, but the scar is still present. The heart is never the same again. I've had my heart broken so many times since then that it seems the broken parts never have time to mend, so I'm left with gaping wound. It hurts. I want someone to show me what it's like to not get my heart broken. I want someone to be real with me. I want them to love every part of me, not just the good parts.
I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth the truth. I'm so scared I will forever be alone. I want to have children; to give my parents more grandchildren. It's not looking promising.
Speaking of parents, I really miss my dad. I miss my mom, too, but I'm such a daddy's girl. My parents just got iPhones so we facetimed last night. It was really good to hear my dad's voice and see his face.
I miss my nephew, who is crawling now!!! I am not sure when I can go see him because on top of the wonderful experiences I've been having, I'm still struggling financially. It's so hard. My little man is almost 8 months. It's gone by so quickly. I remember the first time I held him... I hope to see him soon. He makes everything better. His little smile and snuggles are perfect. I'm a very blessed auntie. ❤️
Now for a new week... Work has been awful. I have that sick feeling every day. It's not good. Something about that place isn't right...so I've been looking for a new job. I hate job hunting. Something will work out eventually, I just need patience. Lots of patience....
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