180 Degrees

Hello cyberworld!! 

I'm so embarrassed to just now be writing again, especially after my goal for 2016 to blog at least monthly!! SO much has happened in the past 7 months. My life has taken quite the turn, for the good!

So I last left you with my goals, hopes and dreams for 2016. First, I wanted to lose some weight. I'm proud to say I have lost some weight these past several months, I'm not so proud to say I've gained some back!! As you may or may not know, I'm not the best at getting to the gym consistently. BUT I'm still trying. I'm on my second week of a four week program and I think it's going well. I'm just taking it one day at a time!!! I'm really pushing myself to see what I can accomplish by the end of this year still. 

What about my travels you may ask? (Because I know SO many people read this and have been DYING to know!!) ;P 

Louisville was amazing. My bestie and I had an absolute blast! The city was beautiful and SO much fun to explore. We ate great food, drank some great beer and whiskey, saw some really cool places (my favorite was definitely the Louisville Slugger Museum!!) and got to spend some quality time with each other. I'm so grateful my bestie has the same travel bug as I do and that we get to explore new places together. I'm looking forward to our next adventure!! (Which just so happens to be in 1 month, 2 weeks and 6 days!!!) We get to spend a nice long weekend on Galveston island!! 

San Diego was beautiful as always. It was so great to see my aunt, uncle, cousins again. They have really grown up! The oldest graduated high school and will be starting college in a few weeks. I'm so freaking proud of her!! Seeing my grandparents and parents was really great too. Like I said before, I cherish time with them so much more now. ❤️

In January I made a commitment to myself to stop looking for love and to focus on myself. Well, before I took myself off all dating sites I sent out one last message to someone I found interesting...and we've been together ever since!!! I am so freaking happy and in love. I almost can't believe it. I never thought it was possible for me to feel this way again. B is absolutely amazing. He treats me so well and I can just feel his love for me. He has gotten to meet some friends, my cousins, my sister and her family and my parents! Everyone just loves him. He will be with me in Galveston so he can FINALLY meet my bestie! 

Some days I feel like it's not real, like it's too good to be true and I don't deserve this. I'm not sure why I feel like this. Maybe it's because it's been so long and I'd forgotten what it was like. Some days I still expect him to just disappear like all the others, but he doesn't. B is in the Air Force and I knew this going into our first date (his profile mentioned it). I honestly didn't give it much thought because I didn't see it going past the first date, it never did. But that first date was so great, we had dinner and talked for hours. I came out of that date so scared because I really liked him and I (thought) I knew what the military life was all about. I remember texting my bestie and telling her I really liked him but was scared of him being military and knowing he only had so much time left here. She told me not to think too much about that and just get to know him and enjoy myself. Our second date was even better. We went bowling, played pool and had some beers. (And had our first kiss!!) On this date he told me he didn't want to freak me out but he really liked me and hoped things got serious, but that he needed to know I was ok with moving because that's what his job (Air Force) required.

I. Was. Stunned. I had these same thoughts just days before after our first date. I told him I had already thought about it and was very ok with moving. I think he was even more stunned at my response!! I think we were both surprised at how quickly we fell for each other. On February 6, just two and a half weeks after my first message, he asked me to be his girlfriend. (Of course I said yes!!) 

Things have been a whirlwind since that day. We've spent significant time with each other's families (the little bit that I have in Texas, whereas the majority of his is here) and very few weekends apart. He has just over a year left on his contract in Texas...and has asked me to go with him wherever he goes next. As scary and exciting as it is, I've never been more sure of anything. He even asked my opinion on where we should go next. I've told him I will go anywhere with him. We've talked about me moving in (soon I hope!) and marriage. Yes, HE IS THE ONE!! We will for sure be married at some point. He hasn't officially asked and I have no ring, but marriage is in our future. Sooner if he gets orders to go overseas, which we have talked in depth about and think this is a great time for us to do it. Our top picks right now are England, Florida and Washington (which is where is brother is stationed). I told him I would be perfectly happy with any of these options. 

I never thought I could be a military spouse, never thought I was strong enough. Now looking back, I truly believe that my years of singleness and independence was preparing me for this. It was preparing me to be a strong, stable, reliable military spouse. I'm still scared to death. The thought of deployment scares the hell out of me. The thought of moving somewhere and making new friends is terrifying. But, knowing I'll be doing it with him makes me feel better. Hell, I've already relocated myself, by myself. I can do it with someone!! 

Lately all I can think about is moving and weddings and deployments. It's been so stressful. I'm losing sleep. I've been doing s lot of research and planning, which is stupid because I'm learning you can't plan very much while in the military. A HUGE struggle for me!! I've been finding military spouse/SO blogs and articles to read. I'm very new to all this so I'm trying to learn as much as I can!! My bestie is truly a godsend. She somehow keeps me sane through all this while being hundreds of miles away. B does a good job too. He just tells me it's all going to be ok and to stop worrying. I read a blog a few weeks ago by a military spouse. She wrote something that hit me hard. She wrote, "stop thinking about what's next and just enjoy right now. What's wrong with where you are right now?". So, I've been trying my best to live for the moment and enjoy this stage we are currently in. I'm trying to just enjoy the ride!!

Well, my niece is now 7 months old and cute as ever!! She's so chunky and her smile lights up the room. I absolutely adore her!! My nephew is growing like a weed and talking like a 10 year old (he is only 2.5 years old!!). He is my favorite and he adores B!! 😍 My younger sister is pregnant and due the end of September. It's been hard not to be around during her pregnancy, but my parents are flying me home to surprise her for her baby shower Labor Day weekend. I can't wait to rub her belly!!! Haha. 

Boston is about a month away and I couldn't be more excited. My friend Chloe and I are going together and have it all planned out!! I get to see my Red Sox at Fenway park against the Yankees!! I just cannot wait for this trip!! 

After Boston will be a trip back to Iowa for Thanksgiving- with B!! I'm so very excited and grateful to take him home to meet the rest of my family and friends and to show him where I'm from. It's going to be a busy, crazy week, but we will have so much fun. 

That is all for now. You are completely caught up on my life!! I WILL be back soon!!! 

Happy New Year

First of all, Happy New Year y'all!! Yes I know we are nearly two weeks into the new year, but I wanted to do a lot of reflecting and goal setting before my first blog of 2016. I've got a lot on my mind that I need to spill out into cyberspace. I will begin and end on happy notes, with the meaty goodness in between. 

First off, I've got some major goals mapped out for this year. They range from continuing my weight loss journey to saving money to traveling and even blogging! My cousin and I have teamed up to help encourage and keep each other accountable for weight loss and all around healthiness. It's great to have someone to check in with and text when my motivation is running low. It's also nice to have someone to text updates to on my progress. We've set a date of June 1st as the goal end date. My goal is to be down 27.8 pounds. I've gotten back to going to the gym regularly and even joined a new gym that offers more, like classes and tires to flip!! I'm really excited see what I can accomplish these next five months. 

I've got three big trips in the works for this year. The first will come in March when I get to meet my bestie in Louisville, KY. It is going to be so much fun to explore a new city together. Our friendship isn't like most other friendships, we live hundreds of miles away from each other so we don't get to enjoy the things most besties get to enjoy on a regular basis. We don't get to meet for happy hour, go to the movies, have a girls night in watching movies, go on a walk together or go out to dinner. I think this makes our friendship even more special because even though we don't get to do these things weekly, or even monthly, we are able to stay very connected and involved in each other's lives. Social media and technology are a godsend to long distance besties!! Anyways, I'm beyond thrilled to get to drink wine, relax, go out on the town and explore with my bestie. March can't get here fast enough!!! Oh, and I can't wait to hug her!! It really is the simple things!!

Next up: San Diego!! I will be heading off to sunny and sandy California in June to see my cousin graduate from high school. I don't get to see this branch of the family often and I'm looking forward to catching up and sharing some special moments together. Making it even better, my grandparents will also be in California for this wonderful event so I will get to spend some time with them which is rare too!! Moving away has definitely made me appreciate the time I get with family and friends. 

Last, but certainly not least: BOSTON!!! I will be taking a trip to the home of the Red Sox for my birthday September! My plan is to fulfill my bucket list item of seeing the Red Sox play the Yankees at Fenway Park. There are also so many other things I want to see and do while I am there. The area is absolutely gorgeous and there is a lot of history! I have a couple friends who have said they want to come with me, but if they can't commit when I'm buying the tickets for the game, I'm going solo!! The thought of going solo used to terrify me, but now it actually excites me!! Is it bad I'm hoping no one commits?!? If not this trip, I will definitely be taking a solo trip at some point in the near future. I think it's a great way to learn more about yourself and to test your limits. 

I'm planning on blogging at least once a month this year. I've never been good at being consistent with it so I want to try to do it more. I've even got an app on my phone to remind me to do it!!

With the new year also comes new hope for love. Well, hope for finding renewed hope in love may be more accurate. I've noticed over the past several years how bitter, angry and cynical I've become regarding love, relationships and the possibility of marriage. I've met asshole after asshole, each one truly making me feel unlovable. I've never verbalized that thought before and seeing it in black and white is hard, but it's an honest concern. The last time a man (ok he was a boy) told me he loved me I was 17.  Now I know having a mans love doesn't validate me as a woman, but as a woman who longs for a family of her own, it's a tough pill to swallow. I've taken myself off dating sites for the new year. I'm trying to focus the year on myself. I'm going to take myself on dates at least once a month. I'm going to accomplish my health goals and I'm going to travel. But it still doesn't make it any easier to have the void of a significant other in my life. How will I meet someone if I'm not putting myself out there into cyberspace? I don't know, and that's sad and scary at the same time to think online dating is my only chance at finding love. I don't know how people do anymore. I don't know where people meet. As much as I try to focus on everything else in my life, late at night I find myself thinking about love. I find myself sad and confused. So, my hope is to soften my heart and tear down some walls this year. Bitterness is not very attractive in a mate...

My happy ending for this blog is that I am writing it on the eve of my niece's birth day. That is right, tomorrow I become an auntie of two!! I'm so terribly excited and anxious to see my sweet niece's face. I don't know how I can love someone as much as my nephew, but I will certainly try! I'm sure as soon as I see her face the love will just flow out! Baby Clara- aunt Aimee is so ready to meet you! 😍 

2016 is going to be a good year, I can just feel it. I'm ready for a change inside and outside. 

Tis the Season

With the holidays upon us, Thanksgiving is literally minutes away, there is so much on my heart. This time of year is rough for me, even more so being so far away from most of the people I care about. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I've been reflecting on the reasoning behind that lately. 

You see, Thanksgiving was always spent the same way. Every year. (Until I moved two years ago of course) we would always go to my grandparents house and spend the whole day eating, laughing, playing games, telling stories and watching football with the majority of my dad's side of the family. It was always a blast. Thanksgiving was a source of consistency in an ever changing environment. Thanksgiving was always one day I could count on when all was right with the world. One day I could look forward to with great anticipation not be let down. Every other holiday seemed to change the older I got. Christmas was never the same going into adulthood. Everyone grew up, moved away, started families and it just became hard to get everyone together. That's why I loved Thanksgiving. Now that I've moved away and can't afford to make the trip home for the holidays, it becomes more apparent that everything will eventually change. It's hard to have to FIND somewhere to go for Thanksgiving. It almost feels like I have to ask to be a part of someone else's traditions and holiday memories. Holidays and special occasions feel anything but normal in Texas. I'm hoping this will be something that comes with time, I'm just unsure how much time it will take. Around this time of year, tears flow more frequently now. My emotions run high and the little things mean more than ever. It almost hurts physically to listen to friends and coworkers talk about holiday plans with loved ones. I don't want to seem like a Debbie downer so I force a smile and continue to listen to their preparations and plans, as I sit there contemplating what I will do. Deep down I wonder if this will be the holiday I have to spend home alone. Luckily I have wonderful cousins that live near me that love including me in all aspects of their life and with whom I will be spending my beloved holiday with, but it still doesn't feel right. It's not the same and I fear it never will be. 

With the holidays comes the other dreaded topic of conversation: singleness. I've had a lot on my heart and mind regarding this subject for quite some time and just haven't been able to put down in words how I feel, but I think it's time I try...

I have been single for over seven years now. Yes, I've dated here and there, but my last relationship was seven years ago. Typing that makes me want to cry. I've been on countless dates. I've got number in my phone from guy I don't even remember because our conversation lasted all of two minutes. I've hundreds of dating horror stories. I've also been on numerous dating websites. I don't know what it's even like to be in a relationship. Or to have someone genuinely interested in me. When I meet a guy and start talking I wait for one of two things: a long text explaining why "this" isn't going to work or silence. I've yet to decide which is worse. I don't get excited when I meet a "great" guy anymore. I try to avoid meeting them at all. I don't tell anyone if I do meet someone because it's embarrassing and disappointing to have to tell these same people days later, "just kidding, he's gone!" 

Am I ok being single? Yes. I enjoy living my life the way I want and doing everything that I want to do when I want to do it. I love the freedom. But I want more. I'm ready for more. 

I don't know of anyone who actually understands all this. Friends say they get it. But they don't. Have you been single seven years? No I didn't think so. Everyone wants to tell me how to be single and where to meet someone. Everyone tells me how great it must be. They tell me I should just enjoy it. They can't feel the pain of loneliness, because there is actual pain associated with it. They don't know the agony of getting to know someone new day in and day out. Explaining your situation and what you want out of life. It's exhausting and I'm so tired of it. I don't want to open up to anyone else just to have to turn around and do it again, because I know I'll have to. I know, you think I'm just being negative. But that's the other thing people don't understand, it's hard to be positive and upbeat about a situation you've lived through so many times with the same outcome. I have to be realistic and cautious. I have to have a guard up. 

I still cry every time. I don't cry over the specific guy, I cry over the situation. I cry and wonder to myself why I tried again. I wonder why I thought this time would be different. I just cry.... 

The majority of my best friends and family are in relationships or dating someone. I am genuinely happy for each and every one of them. I really am. But, sometimes it's hard. I listen to their excitement over someone new. I listen to the adorable things he did unexpectedly and squeal with them in excitement. I listen to them rant about how stupid he was and I share in their frustration over their arguments. I listen to the family drama between his and hers. I listen to stories of their weekends together. I cheer them on every single step of the way. I feel their excitement, their anger, their joy, their pain, their love and their confusion. I share it all with them all while harboring a small pain inside wondering if they will ever get to share in those things with me, if I will ever get to experience them firsthand again. 

Being single during the holidays just adds to the pain.

I don't really feel I have a clever way to end this passage, but I'm glad to rid these thoughts from my mind. Below is an article I found recently that hit me square in the chest. I cried of course. Someone else ACTUALLY gets it. It is a great read for singles and those in relationships. 

http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/10-heartbreaking-truths-about-being-single-nobody-likes-talk-about

I will end on a note of Thanksgiving- I am so very thankful for my life, my family and my friends. I am blessed in ways I shouldn't be and with things I shouldn't have and for that I am grateful. I am beyond thankful for our military personnel and what they do daily for me to live this life. I am thankful for a job, car and roof over my head. 

Happy Thanksgiving y'all ❤️

Clouds set in

I've been a bitch this week. I'm not afraid to admit it. I've ignored texts and calls. I've gone out alone and stayed home from outings. Yes, it's all been on purpose. Yes, I've dealt with yet another asshole. This one was different (as they all seem to be). I can't even go in to detail because I relive the details every single day and I can't force myself to type it out permanently how great he was knowing that it was all for nothing. 

My heart hurts. I hate men. I hate love. I hate romance and I hate him. I've deleted online dating profiles. I've shut down feelings and desires. I feel numb. My heart can't take rejection again. I can't allow myself to get excited and hopeful again. It's exhausting and disappointing. It hurts. 

I've been ignoring everyone because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear the cliche phrases. I don't want to hear "I'm sorry, guys suck". I don't want to listen to any of it. A lot of my best friends are in really great relationships and I'm beyond happy for them, but I haven't wanted to hear about it. I haven't wanted to celebrate their relationship victories. I've been a bitch and a horrible friend. I'm soaking up alone time even though that's something I've become very accustomed to. 

Tomorrow is a new day. The healing will take time. I'm going to focus on my health and moving forward. I will text my friends and share in their love. 

On a completely different note, a week ago today I turned 27. It's crazy and scary to think about. 30 is right around the corner. But, ringing in 27 was pretty great. I got to be with my family. I got to wake up to the two most important guys in my life: my nephew and my dad. I got to experience my dad's first NFL game with him as we went to see the Chiefs vs Texans opening season game in Houston. It was a great game and our Chiefs won. It was definitely my best birthday yet and I wouldn't have wanted to spend it any other way. It was a day I will never forget. 

Which Way is Up?

I got back from vacation about a week ago and since then I've been a complete mess...

I had such an amazing trip, but it's left me feeling confused, sad and lonelier than ever. 

First stop was Kansas City seeing one of my besties. We had a blast! It was so good to finally see her again and catch up...and hug! That's one of the hardest parts about long distance friendships, you don't get to hug the, nearly as often as you'd like, or need. I finally got to meet her boyfriend whom I'd heard SO much about. He's really fun and they are great together. We drank and drank and drank some more! Finally saw my Red Sox play after about four years! The game was a blast- especially since we won!! I got to see much more of KC than I ever have before. It's really a great city and has a lot of offer!! The KC leg of my trip was perfect. We had plans, but not much that was set in stone so we got to relax and sleep in and change our minds- it was great. 

Next came Iowa, where every minute was planned out, quite literally. I knew from the start it would be exhausting. First I saw my old roomie/bestie #2. We went out to one of the bars we used to frequent and just had a blast. The next day we took one of our infamous road trips, this time to north eastern Iowa. We saw the bachelors house in Arlington, I was so embarrassed!!!! Then we drove through the countryside on back roads to the Mississippi River and ate lunch and just enjoyed each other's company. It was an awesome day. 

The next day I went out to lunch with an old best friend from high school who is due to pop any day! It was great to catch up and hear about her life and kids. I'm so proud of where she's gotten herself to in life and of the mom she is. She's amazing. 

After lunch I went up to visit my college peeps in northern Iowa. I went to Algona, which is where my grandparents live and also where my ex/best friend now lives. I surprised him at his apartment. He's the only one who didn't know I was coming and I like to see the look on his face. Our other friend had been trying to get him to agree to go to karaoke that night but he made other plans...which he canceled once he knew I wanted to go to karaoke. So we got in his truck, grabbed some beers and headed on the hour-ish drive for Okoboji. He started to speed up and then said "hell we aren't in a hurry" and set the cruise at 60. We drank and he played me his current favorite songs. I could NOT stop smiling. My heart felt happy and I felt complete. It was a strange feeling. We talked and laughed like the old days. We met our other friend at the lake and enjoyed some karaoke. Us girls made him sing one of out favorite songs. My other friend couldn't stay long so he and I were alone again. Turns out he wanted to go somewhere else so we got in the truck and were off. We met up with some of his buddies and ate and drank a couple more beers before heading back to his place. In the car on the way home he played a very special song and I hand my hand on his arm and while the song played we just kept looking over at each other. It was pretty powerful. Again, my heart was so happy and I felt the world was right. We got back to his place and got ready for bed. We laid there close together our faces towards each other and we talked. Then we kissed and made out. It was like any other time we have ever kissed. It wasn't drunken and sloppy. It was childish or playful. It was slow, passionate adult kissing. He didn't try anything else. He didn't even take my shirt off. It was very mature and perfect. We cuddled practically all night. He would kiss he top of my head. In the morning he got ready for work then laid back down next to me. He said I could stay as long as I want and just lock up on my way out. He had his hand on my leg and was rubbing it. I couldn't help but think about waking up next to him...all the time. I can't explain it, but I never feel safer or happier than I do in his arms. This makes life difficult. He doesn't share his feelings and me living so far away is limiting. He makes me feel alive. We are going to have a talk...

Then, I went back to my parents where my older sister, brother-in-law and nephew were...and I found out they are expecting again. Moments later I also found out my little sister miscarried and my older sister was talking about moving back to Iowa in the very near future. Job interviews were already set up and everything. My heart stopped. My world stopped. I had to fight so hard to keep the tears away...which eventually hit later, multiple times. My nephew was 90% why I chose Texas as the place to try something new. I see him every 6-8 weeks. He's my whole world and the best part of life. Immediately I started thinking of moving, but I don't want to be back in Iowa. 

I've been a wreck. I've been looking at jobs and housing in Kansas City which is still about 3 hours from my nephew...and everyone else. It was so hard to leave this time. It's been so hard being away, being alone. I just don't know what to do. On top of this, I hate work. I feel sick going in the building. I lose my appetite and get anxiety. I've gone maybe one day this week without crying. My life just seems to be a mess. My heart hurts. It aches so badly for complete and utter happiness, a feeling I don't know very well, but I know I had felt a piece of when I was home. I don't know what to do...

Conflicting Emotions

I don't really even know where to begin tonight, or this morning I guess. In a way I sort of feel two faced. I've never felt so many conflicting and opposing emotions all at once. 

People are constantly asking me:

1. "How are you?"

2. "How's your job?"

3. "How are you liking Texas?" 

4. "How did you make such a huge move on your own?"

5. "Have you met anyone?"

6. "What kind of plans do you have for yourself?"

Most of the time I have no idea what to respond with. Most of the time I can't form a thought or response that would make sense to anyone. I have never felt more unsure about my life. 

My thoughts vs my answers to the above: 

1. Thoughts: I am happy, sad, independent, lonely, excited, scared, angry and confused. 

Answer: I am great. 

2. Thoughts: I hate it. I love the people. I've never felt like I don't know anything about my job before. Why did I get a new job? I like the money. I hate going to work. I love the hours. There's so much opportunity. Is this what my future holds? Is this it? Where do I go from here?

Answer: It's going well. It's a lot, but it's still new. 

3. Thoughts: I love it. It's so hot. There's no snow. It's so far from everyone. It's close to my nephew. It's a change. There's so much to do. It's been challenging. It's scary. I wish I could be in two places at once. I'm so poor. 

Answer: I love it. 

4. Thoughts: I have no fucking idea. I just survived. Am I surviving? What am I doing? Why did I think I could do this alone? I feel like I'm drowning. I feel so free. I've learned so much about myself. 

Answer: I knew it was right to be near my nephew. 

5. Thoughts: Fuck no. Are there any good men left? Why does everyone keep asking me that? There's so much pressure. I wish I could find someone. I want to find someone. I'm going to be the last one. 

Answer: No, not yet. :)

6. Thoughts: Fuck if I know, I just need to get through today. I'd love to go back to school...I think. What do I do now? I'm barely getting by as it is. I just uprooted my life what more do you want from me right now?

Answer: Oh I want to go back to school soon. 

I feel full of crap. I feel so fake, but I don't want to spill my guts to everyone. I don't want to complain. I don't want to seem ungrateful for where my life is right now. My mind won't shut off. I can't stop the constant battle of my thoughts and feelings. Half of the time I don't know which way is up. 

Part of me thinks I need to find another therapist since my last one has moved, but then I have to start over, again. I feel like my life is a constant stream of start-overs. I should probably quit men, again. It's no use... 

There have been a lot of reminders of the past recently. I am still friends with half of Austin's (my high school boyfriend) family on Facebook. It is a constant reminder of the family I once (and still occasionally) longed and hoped to be a part of. A family that I still love dearly and miss. I think there was a part of me that thought he and I would still end up together, that we would go our separate ways and come back to each other. Clearly that isn't how the story goes.... He was the first and last boy to ever tell me he loved me, that fact alone scares me shitless. Maybe there won't be another. It has been 7 1/2 years of waiting; of heartbreak. Life made sense then. I felt like life was headed in the right direction and I knew what I was doing. Now, I'm lost. I think I'm happy with who I am as a person, but I don't feel like I know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I seem to be floating around with no real direction. 

Then there's Kyle. The one person, after the most horrible heartache in the world, made me feel ok. He's always had a way of making me feel safe and understood. I've been in love with him since the beginning and part of me feels like we are supposed to be together. So, of course I move 1000 miles away....  He's seen me at my darkest. He's carried me through some of the worst days of my life. He makes me laugh and feel special. The only problem with Kyle is that he can never tell me how he feels. It's always confusing. I just want him to be open and honest, but I feel like he's scared. So I go through my days constantly wondering and keeping him in the back of my mind. 

I miss so many people on a daily basis that it makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I've never felt so at home and so out of place at the same time before. 

This is all over the place, and kind of dark and jaded, but I needed to get these thoughts out. I've been battling them for quite some time now...

Just a few words...

I don't have much to say tonight, but so much on my mind. The loneliness hit hard today. I'm not even sure how or why as I was surrounded by family and friends most of the day. But, as I drove home from my cousins house, the tears just wouldn't stop. 

I'm also tired of hearing "it will happen eventually" and "you just haven't met the right one". I feel so unworthy when no guy can stand to be with me for more than a few weeks. I feel unlovable. I feel like I'm paying for some wrong doing, of what I'm unsure. I'm just afraid I'll go my whole life never experiencing the one thing I long for most....

Update

I know it's been a couple weeks since I set up some "rules" for myself...so I thought I'd check in. :)

I've been eating mostly well.. I think I may be more 80/20, but it's better than nothing. It's hard some days to eat the lunch I packed for work. It's hard to not go through the drive thru on my way home from work, but I can tell a difference and I'm starting to feel better. 

I've been hitting the gym 3-4 times a week. Not as much as I'd like, but again, it's a start. I'm hoping to increase my gym attendance with the coming weeks. I've forgotten how much I love to lift and to be active. It's still hard to motivate myself to get there some days though. Some days I'd rather get a beer...and sometimes I choose the beer. But I reason with myself and I don't have too many either. 

School: I've done nothing on this front and I'm angry about it. My drive to go back comes and goes. My desire to get on things to go back passes by. Most days I can't wait to go back because I know it will get me where I want to be. But then I get scared again. Then I feel lazy...and then I feel stuck. I need to give this more attention and energy...

I hate men. Yes, still. I've taken down my online profiles and haven't missed them really. But I do miss having a guy or two to talk to. I've had a guy from the past try to worm his way back in and I let him for awhile, but I've taken care of that now. Or I guess he did because he disappeared. Again. Which starts the sadness and frustration all over again. I'm working on it... With the removal of men from my life, though, it's allowed more time to think about my ex, Kyle. It's allowed me to long for him more. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm so torn. I obviously don't know how he feels and I'm not sure I ever will, but I keep thinking about if I wasn't in Texas, would we have a chance? Would he want me back? How could things be different? I love Texas and my life here, but I get so lonely. All. The. Time. Most days my heart is in two states. I'm so ready for the next step and so scared it won't ever come for me. 

Last Saturday I ran my first 5K in several years. I ran the Race for the Cure. This is something I usually walk with my grandma who is a survivor, but since we couldn't be together I wanted to run in her honor. It was a completely moving experience. I also know two other women who are survivors, one of which is fighting another round, and I ran in their honor, too. I had tears in my eyes the whole time and I ran the WHOLE thing. I was beyond proud of myself and humbled at the experience. I will definitely do it next year. 

Detox

As I'm writing this I'm waiting for my NyQuil to kick in... So I must hurry. ;)

Starting tomorrow (April 1st) I will be detoxing. No, I'm not doing a juice detox, I'm doing a life detox. As I mentioned last time, I wasn't committing 100% to working out, I haven't been consistent with eating right, I'm not confident about school and I hate men..... So I'm detoxing. 

First, tomorrow I'm starting a 30 day (and will hopefully continue after that) Paleo/Whole30 lifestyle. I'm going to be doing this 90/10. Most days I will be 100%, but I know I have to allow for a slip up. Plus, there are things that are Paleo that are not Whole30, like dark chocolate. :) 

Second, I'm hitting the gym. Now, like every other time I plan to start a regimen, I've gotten this horrible sinus/allergy crap going on... So I may not hit the gym till Monday, but I WILL start. I haven't been in almost a month and it makes me so mad. I really have no excuse, but I make one up every morning. Yes, I do believe my depression plays a part, but I need to push through and overcome this struggle. 

Third, either later this week or next (depending on how I'm feeling with this sinus crap), I will be going to the college to get things figured out so I can take at least one class this summer and then more come fall. I'm still scared and I still doubt my dedication and ability to follow through, but I know this new job I started is not a forever thing for me. It is not a career and I'm at an age and point in my life where I need to figure out where I'm headed career-wise. My cousin also shared something with me recently that really struck me. She told me that since she was 27, single with nothing promising on the horizon in the relationship aspect that she decided to make her career her main focus. Well, she recently go a new (higher up) job making more money and has met a really great guy. Now, I obviously don't think that just because it worked for her that's how it will work for me, but she had a great point and it was a great outlook to have. Which brings me to my forth and final point of the night since I can start to feel the effects of this NyQuil... 😴😬😂

Forth, tomorrow I will be deleting my online dating profiles. Yes, I have more than one... None of them are bringing anything positive into my life so I'm ridding myself of the unnecessary drama, hurt, confusion and let downs. I will be focusing on ME. Now, I have said this a few times in the past, but this time I plan on sticking to my word. I am the most important person right now and I'm the only person taking care of me, so why not put all my energy into making my life the best it can be RIGHT NOW? (Disclaimer: there will still be times of loneliness, sadness, missing exes, anger, etc...I AM a girl after all, but I know I need to go through with these actions to make any future relationships complete.)

Though I know I write this blog for myself, if I have readers and you want to hold me accountable, please feel free to do so!! It's not always easy going it alone...

Speechless

I know it's been quite awhile since I've written....

For some updates, I left the clinic and now have a new job and plans to finally go back to school...which still scares the hell out of me. I still doubt myself. But, I just finished my first month of training and things seem to be going well. 

I'm getting back into a workout routine, but I still haven't mastered it yet. I need to just completely focus on it and commit 100%. I think I'm still kicking myself for falling off the wagon last time and it's hard to get back. 

I hate men. I can't even get excited about a new prospect anymore. I already know how it will end. I don't even tell people I've met some either. What's the point in getting others excited? Plus, when he does disappear I have to tell everyone that yet another guy doesn't want me. It gets old and it's exhausting. I just want to be wanted and loved. I'm so tired of being alone. 

Oh and yay to all those out there in love and getting engaged or married or pregnant. I'm super happy for you...

I haven't written in awhile mostly because I'm not sure what to even say anymore. Most of the time I just feel like an idiot for thinking I can have it all some day. 

Icing on my awesome cake: still very much in love with my ex... 

The Struggle

I've been putting off this post for awhile now cause it's not something I like to talk about. Here it goes...depression. 

The pain and struggle of depression is very real. I've been thinking a lot about my four month downward spirl and weight gain. I had just spent time with one of my best friends who came to visit. When she left, I felt alone again. I just got in this funk and depression reared it's ugly head once again. 

I couldn't get myself to the gym. Or the grocery store. I kept putting off getting back into my healthy routine and I practically lived off of drive thru meals...

The struggle is real. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I struggle take a shower. I struggle to get myself to work. I struggle to get to the store for healthy food...and then to prepare it. I struggle to eat the healthy food. I struggle to get myself to the gym. I struggle to get myself out of the house. I struggle... 

I have to fight and push myself daily. I have to tell myself that the gym and that salad are worth it, that my life is worth it. Because, to be honest, most days I don't feel like it is. I don't see the purpose. I can't see the worth. 

Luckily I have friends and family who show me love on a daily basis and who push me to be the best I can be. But, I am alone. I have very few people close by that I am close with to lean on. Asking for help is something I also struggle to do. I'm very independent and don't want to seem weak. 

I've been back in the gym fairly regularly for almost three weeks now. I'm starting to feel a little better in that regard. I've been eating well too and I know it's helping. I just have to keep pressing on. I have to keep pushing past the struggle...

Welcome to 2015...

"Happy New Year" is something I've heard a lot lately. Today is the first day of a new year, 2015 is here. 

With a new year comes all sorts of resolutions. Everyone is talking about the changes they want to make to themselves. I guess I am no different in this regard. 

Last year I worked my ass off for about 8 months to get fit and healthy. I came close to my goal weight and I'd never felt better. I let myself slip and these past four months I've gained it all back, plus some. I'm beyond angry with myself and very frustrated. How could I let this happen? Why didn't I stop myself? Why couldn't I control myself? 

I know I have to stop beating myself up, but it's hard. I did this to myself. I now have to work hard to get back to where I was and then get to where I want to be. It's not going to be easy, but I know I can do it. I'm not quitting this time. 

This year I'm choosing to focus on myself. Seems kinda silly since it's always just been me, right? Yes, I'm still single. But, I feel like I'm always looking, always focused on that part of my life and looking for my next chapter... But I'm already in it, without a guy. I know I need to stop putting so much focus and pressure on a romantic relationship and focus on being the best version of myself.  So, 2015 is all about Aimee. 

I have a feeling, though, that I will need help remaining focused on myself. I have a tendency to put others before me. Not this time. It's my time. 

I've been feeling down lately, missing family and friends back home during this holiday season. I don't have many friends close by to spend time with and it's hard. I've been doing mostly everything on my own, which can wear on a person. I feel like I have to carry it all by myself. I miss my family. I miss my best friends. But this move to Texas was the first step in focusing my life...on myself. 

I'm feeling alone and I'm feeling sad, but I have a strong feeling that 2015 is going to be a great year for me. 

A Small Point

This week has been rough, between being sleep deprived and getting back into a routine after a vacation and dealing with feelings for my ex... I'm exhausted. 

My ex and I ended on a note where I wanted him to think about whether or not he has feelings for me. I want him to forget the distance and the uncertainty and the confusion and just really figure out how he feels. This was about four days ago and I've heard nothing since and I'm not really thinking I will. 

It sucks. Six fucking years of loving him. I'm over my first love- Austin, my high school boyfriend. But Kyle, my god he does something to me. Every time I'm near him... Makes me feel like myself. 

I hate being alone, especially during the holidays. Can it just be March? 

I've been questioning my move some lately. I absolutely LOVE Texas, but I don't love being here alone...

Feeling Alive

I cannot believe it is December already. I can't believe how quickly time goes by. I just got back from a whirlwind weekend in Iowa where I got to surprise so many friends and family members with a visit. It was so much fun. I loved seeing the look on their faces and the joy. My heart has never felt so full. 

As loved as I feel and as many people I have surrounding me, I still feel alone an hate being single for the holidays. Most people really don't get it. I don't want someone who will shower me with gifts or anything, I just want someone to share holiday moments with. I want someone I make memories with and someone just to be by my side. 

I like to know I'm not alone in my feelings and dating blunders. Over Thanksgivng my cousins and I shared stories and dreams of relationships. I really hope one day we all find what we are longing for...

Over the weekend I had a chance to see one of my best friends who also happens to be an ex. We didn't date for long, but even broken up we've always still had an undeniable connection. We've always flirted here and there and he's always different with me. We've been through fights and moves and relationships and heartache. There have been ultimate fights I thought we'd never recover from, but we always find our way back to each other. We are such great friends... We've kept the physical part out of our relationship for a very long time, until last weekend. We've shared a bed countless times but the kisses eventually stopped. But last weekend- he kissed me. He sang a meaningful song for me. He made comments about me moving back. He said he missed me. But what does it mean? Why can't he say what he feels? I'm planning on having a talk with him. I think I'm most scared that he really doesn't feel anything, that I'm just someone comfortable...

Many people don't think he's good for me and there have been many times I've believed it. He's caused me pain and made me cry... But he's also been there for me through my darkest days. He knows me better than most. I think I've been denying my feelings for awhile. I love him... And it's so scary. 

In other aspects life has settled a little. My living situation is so much better and my anxiety has lessened. Texas feels right right now. School needs to be in my future. 

A new year is coming so quickly. I don't want life to pass by. I don't want regrets. 

Face Lift

Since I last wrote I feel like I've spiraled downwards into an even worse depression. Said guy from last post contacted me and apologized and wanted to make it all better- then stood me up. I don't understand what is wrong with people. And I'm angry, so very angry. 

I'm out of the dating scene. I'm not even excited about a good looking guy (unless it's Luke Bryan or Cole Swindell of course..) I feel no desire to date or even to talk to a guy at the bar. I think they are all full of shit. 

I know it probably seems to others that I spiral into depression over a silly boy. The thing is, though, that's just icing on the cake. 

I've been stressed about moving and feeling safe. I've been missing my best friends. I've been hating work. I've been feeling stuck. I've been missing my family. I've been tired and lonely. I want to go back to school but dread adding that to the mix. Add an asshole into that mix and I'm ready to throw in the towel. To top all of that off- my therapist informed me she is moving out of state. I haven't needed her in awhile, but now that I've reached the end of my rope and don't feel like I can handle it on my own, I'm losing her, too. I get to have one last visit tomorrow but then she's giving me a referral. I'm not sure how I feel about starting over with someone new again.... 

I've been gaining weight back. I've been eating like shit. Yet, I've found a new gym and even bought healthier food options but I can't bring myself to eat the food or get to the gym. I'm in this dark place and I'm aware of it. I'm trying to get out. My body knows I need to do it but my mind just can't get there. I can't shake this and it's scary. 

I see my therapist tomorrow. I'm hoping to go to a gym fundraiser on Saturday.  I'm hoping to unpack in the new place this weekend. This is going to take some time. Slow baby steps. I'm lucky to have some great people in my life who put up with me while I'm in this phase. 

"Darkness must precede the dawn..."

Last night the tears flowed endlessly. Tears of frustration. Tears of loneliness. Tears of sadness. Tears of worry. Tears of pain. Tears of tiredness. Tears of brokenness. And it probably didn't help to watch "The Notebook"...

I don't even know where to begin, except that I feel like a broken record with what my thoughts and feels are right now. 

Mr. Iowa is gone for good. Deleted off Facebook and number deleted out of my phone. I'm done with that mess. 

I met a new guy two weeks ago- we connected more than I think I've ever connected with anyone. I've never felt so in sync with someone and more like myself with someone, ever. 

Friday night he called around 11pm and we talked and laughed like normal. Saturday he was supposed to help me move and then take me to a concert...but I never heard from him. I called and texted all day, I even went to his place to make sure he was ok- no response. I still have yet to hear from him. I've experienced every emotion under the sun. I don't understand. I'm hurt and confused. No one had ever treated me with such respect and honor before, nor been more of a gentleman- and then he disappears just like the rest. In the blink of an eye... 

I'm taking myself out of the dating scene. I've said it before, but this time is different. My heart can't take it anymore. It's too painful to get rejected time after time. A little part of me dies every time and I fear one day I will have nothing left to give. 

I know everyone believes I will meet someone someday... But more and more, I don't believe this to be true. I know I will get the comments of "just give it time" and "you're so young" and "he obviously wasn't the right one, but the right one will come!". Well if you feel like saying any of these or something along these lines, don't. I don't want to hear them nor do I believe them. 

I'm working on being content with the single lifestyle, with possibly never having children of my own unless I adopt. The thought of never giving my parents grandchildren haunts me late at night. I want to be a mother more than anything, but maybe it's not meant to be. I don't want to have children in my 30s and I'm damn near 30 right now. I'm scared to death of living life alone forever. What kind of life is that, really? I wish I felt purpose... 

I am in the process of finishing up a move to the other side of town. I despise packing. It's been tough to put it all in boxes. To fit it all in one room. It will be a change living in a house with two people. I'm welcoming the change- yet I still feel alone. 

Sunday night I drove up to Austin to see a Christian rock band I used to follow in high school. The members are all different except the lead singer with whom I got to hang out with before the concert. The long drive to Austin and the lyrics sung that night touched my soul in a deep way. I needed that night more than I could have ever imagined. It had been nearly four years since I'd seen a show by this group and it was nothing short of amazing. The lead singer, David, is such an inspiring person and I've been blessed by his music for nearly eight years. Supporting their music has been more of a blessing to me than I think I've realized...

I woke up to a cloudy world today. The temperature was cooler and the breeze thin and crisp. I woke up to darkness today...just waiting for the light to come back... 

And it's stopped...

So just days ago my heart was so full and happy it was about to explode. Well, I feel like my heart has stopped now. Mr. Iowa is apparently still with his "ex" and was going to try and deny it until I sent a picture with proof. With the things we talked about and even talked about doing.... I'm speechless. I feel numb. I don't understand. Yet, am I surprised? Not really. This kind of shit happens to me every damn time. I feel like every time something good starts to happen, life just laughs and punches me in the face. 

What is so wrong with me? Why do i constantly get people who treat me like I'm worthless? As a person who struggles with depression, being treated like I'm nothing makes me feel like nothing. I try to build myself up and all, but I can only do so much. I do have great friends whom I probably offend every time I hit a low spot because I'm so negative and maybe even rude, but I just want to feel good. I want to feel normal. 

Most days I just don't want to go on...

Challenges

So I wasn't going to post again this soon, but I just had to share this...

I just finished a 30 day Instagram challenge (that I made up). The challenge was to find one thing every day that made me smile or made me happy. I can't even begin to describe the effect this has had on me. 

Some days were easy. I found something right away that made me happy. Other days were more of a challenge if you may... But, each day I had something to look forward to. Each day I was looking for the "happy". I was paying attention to the little things. Some days it was even creating these moments (buying my favorite food, going to a favorite place, etc). But either way, I was appreciating everything. I was choosing to be happy. Happy. Not an emotion people feel all the time. This past month was full of some very difficult moments, but even on those days I CHOSE to find some sort of happy in them. 

This was such a great exercise for me. I've struggled a lot in the last year. I've been through hell. I've heard people talk about creating your own happiness, well I'm a believer in that now. 

Even though this challenge is over, I will still continue to look for the happy in each day. I will choose to be happy. 

Be Still, My Heart...

A lot has happened since I last posted and I want to write about everything, but right now I have one thing on my mind: Iowa guy. Yes, I'm still talking to him. I even turned down one of the guys here because I couldn't stop thinking about Mr. Iowa. The others I'm still talking to here and there, but Mr. Iowa consumes most of my thoughts... 

He makes me feel unlike anything else. We've even had some "dirty" texting conversations which is totally not like me, but he just has this effect on me. I want to be near him. I want to kiss him...badly. We have established that we both like each other... Yay! Right? I should be happy knowing the guy I'm into is also into me, but it's more complicated being 1000 miles apart. 

A lot has crossed my mind with all this. Do I have to move back to Iowa? Will he come visit? Would he ever move? I don't like the snow. I love Texas. I don't want to move and have him disappear again. How do I know it's really. I'm so scared... 

I am going home for Thanksgiving and we have already talked about seeing each other and he mentions it often when we talk. So that's good, right? I'm dying to see him. To be close to him. 

We got to FaceTime last night...which sent my heart and mind into overdrive. He looked so damn cute. So funny...just like I remember. I miss him... And I totally like that boy... 

Deep down I know this is all so early on and we have time. Time. Life is all about timing, I can't believe we are both into each other after all this time. I can't believe we are talking after all this time. Time. There's a lot to be figured out, but I know we have time.... 

My heart is bursting. I really like this boy...

Birthday Weekend

Well, Saturday was my 26th birthday. My friend "Jack" and I went to an event called Margarta Pour Off. It was a lot of fun and we got to sample several different margaritas, listen to some music and just enjoy each other's company. The rain held off and the weather was perfect. He's such a good guy and a good friend. I'm lucky to have him... 

Throughout the day, several of my other friends started canceling on my evening plans. It really hurt my feelings a lot. I ended up going to my favorite country bar alone... One coworker did show up and we had a few beers and a pretty good time, but it was nothing like I was hoping. Oh, and Mr. Not so wonderful was there. Yes, of all the nights I see him there- my birthday of course! I hadn't seen him in about two months. It stung a little, but I made sure he saw me. Several times...

I hate being so far away from my best friends. I hate going it alone. This has been one of the hardest things about this move. I'm alone. I have some family here and I've met some good friends, buy essentially, I'm alone. I never saw myself making this move alone. In my mind, I always thought I'd get married and my husband and I would embark on this journey together. We would have each other to lean on and to help each other... Mentally, emotionally and even financially. So, when I decided I couldn't wait any longer, I ended up here. Alone. 

This year has been tough. Really tough. Most days I'm not sure how much more I can take. How much longer I will last. I'm so ungodly poor. I have very few people here I feel I can count on. Some days I just want to throw in the towel and succumb to my failure. I feel like God is looking down on me and laughing. Why did I think I could do this on my own? I'm not strong enough. I don't make enough money. I don't have what it takes... I start to cry when those from back home tell me how proud they are of me. Why are they proud? I'm failing. I'm at another job where I feel stuck. School is a big question mark. I struggle to make it paycheck to paycheck. Besides the fact that I undoubtedly love Texas, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm so scared. I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want them to see me weak. 

Back to the birthday situation- I wish I could have celebrated with my best friends. I know none of them would have ditched me and I miss them. 

I came home from the bar around 1:30am. Today I really didn't feel like leaving my apartment or doing anything, but I really wanted Jimmy Johns. So I walked to my car, only to discover that someone had stolen all four tires. I can't catch a break. See why I feel like a failure? I know this is not my fault, but maybe a sign? I just broke down after that. I hate people. Why can't something amazing happen to me? 

On a more positive note, my best friend Kelli will be here in two days. Best friend time and five days off work can not get here fast enough....