Be Still, My Heart...

A lot has happened since I last posted and I want to write about everything, but right now I have one thing on my mind: Iowa guy. Yes, I'm still talking to him. I even turned down one of the guys here because I couldn't stop thinking about Mr. Iowa. The others I'm still talking to here and there, but Mr. Iowa consumes most of my thoughts... 

He makes me feel unlike anything else. We've even had some "dirty" texting conversations which is totally not like me, but he just has this effect on me. I want to be near him. I want to kiss him...badly. We have established that we both like each other... Yay! Right? I should be happy knowing the guy I'm into is also into me, but it's more complicated being 1000 miles apart. 

A lot has crossed my mind with all this. Do I have to move back to Iowa? Will he come visit? Would he ever move? I don't like the snow. I love Texas. I don't want to move and have him disappear again. How do I know it's really. I'm so scared... 

I am going home for Thanksgiving and we have already talked about seeing each other and he mentions it often when we talk. So that's good, right? I'm dying to see him. To be close to him. 

We got to FaceTime last night...which sent my heart and mind into overdrive. He looked so damn cute. So funny...just like I remember. I miss him... And I totally like that boy... 

Deep down I know this is all so early on and we have time. Time. Life is all about timing, I can't believe we are both into each other after all this time. I can't believe we are talking after all this time. Time. There's a lot to be figured out, but I know we have time.... 

My heart is bursting. I really like this boy...

Birthday Weekend

Well, Saturday was my 26th birthday. My friend "Jack" and I went to an event called Margarta Pour Off. It was a lot of fun and we got to sample several different margaritas, listen to some music and just enjoy each other's company. The rain held off and the weather was perfect. He's such a good guy and a good friend. I'm lucky to have him... 

Throughout the day, several of my other friends started canceling on my evening plans. It really hurt my feelings a lot. I ended up going to my favorite country bar alone... One coworker did show up and we had a few beers and a pretty good time, but it was nothing like I was hoping. Oh, and Mr. Not so wonderful was there. Yes, of all the nights I see him there- my birthday of course! I hadn't seen him in about two months. It stung a little, but I made sure he saw me. Several times...

I hate being so far away from my best friends. I hate going it alone. This has been one of the hardest things about this move. I'm alone. I have some family here and I've met some good friends, buy essentially, I'm alone. I never saw myself making this move alone. In my mind, I always thought I'd get married and my husband and I would embark on this journey together. We would have each other to lean on and to help each other... Mentally, emotionally and even financially. So, when I decided I couldn't wait any longer, I ended up here. Alone. 

This year has been tough. Really tough. Most days I'm not sure how much more I can take. How much longer I will last. I'm so ungodly poor. I have very few people here I feel I can count on. Some days I just want to throw in the towel and succumb to my failure. I feel like God is looking down on me and laughing. Why did I think I could do this on my own? I'm not strong enough. I don't make enough money. I don't have what it takes... I start to cry when those from back home tell me how proud they are of me. Why are they proud? I'm failing. I'm at another job where I feel stuck. School is a big question mark. I struggle to make it paycheck to paycheck. Besides the fact that I undoubtedly love Texas, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm so scared. I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want them to see me weak. 

Back to the birthday situation- I wish I could have celebrated with my best friends. I know none of them would have ditched me and I miss them. 

I came home from the bar around 1:30am. Today I really didn't feel like leaving my apartment or doing anything, but I really wanted Jimmy Johns. So I walked to my car, only to discover that someone had stolen all four tires. I can't catch a break. See why I feel like a failure? I know this is not my fault, but maybe a sign? I just broke down after that. I hate people. Why can't something amazing happen to me? 

On a more positive note, my best friend Kelli will be here in two days. Best friend time and five days off work can not get here fast enough.... 

Overload

I have not written in quite some time, mostly because I have so much going on in my head I don't know how to put it down in words. I'm surprised my head hasn't exploded yet...

I did SO well with my eating and exercising, for one week. Now two weeks have passed and I haven't been to the gym and I'm not eating well. I'm so pissed at myself. This happens every single damn time. I know I don't like how I look, so why isn't that enough motivation to change it?! I use way too many excuses. It's unacceptable. I need to get it together or I will forever be uncomfortable with my body, and what guy is attracted to a self conscious woman? Not many... I have my birthday coming up and company coming to town, but after that, things have to change. They just have to. 

Work is horrible. Some days I go in and think this is all still doable. Other days I just want to cry and walk out. I don't know what to do. I love my coworkers, but I didn't uproot my whole life to feel stuck at a job again. I'm keeping my options open and putting my résumé out there, but I don't know what will happen. I guess for now I just need to focus on one day at a time. I have to believe it will all work out eventually. 

Boys. Boys, boys, boys.... Oy is the dating world ever so complicated for this girl. I have four "fish on the line" as my coworker and I like to say. Three of which are right here in San Antonio, very interested in me and are making the effort. The fourth, though, is back in Iowa and unfortunately the one I'm most interested in. There's quite the back story with him, but he's kind of, in a way, the one that got a way I guess. I'm surprised he's texting me and initiating a good majority of it, too. 

The other three, well, they are nice and fun to be around and talk to, but there's just something missing I think with each of them. But, I keep talking to them and hanging out with them, hoping it might change? Hoping I'm over looking something or being too quick to judge... But when I'm thinking of Iowa guy when I leave them, or I'm texting him back while they go to the restroom...I think something is wrong, right?? Ugh. But what good can come out of this when the guy I'm interested in is so far away and we haven't seen each other in over 1 1/2 years?? But we've picked up where we left off like nothing ever happened. I REALLY like him. I can't stop thinking about him. I want to see him SO badly it almost hurts. Why did I reach out to him? Why couldn't I just leave it alone? I can't believe he's been thinking of me this whole time too. 

I have no idea what to do. My mind and my heart are just so fucked up right now. I don't know what to think or feel. There's so much going on. So much to process. 

I wish there was a clear answer...

Love & Exercise

I have been really horrible these past several months in regards to working out and eating healthy. I haven't gained much weight back, but I've felt like crap. I'd somehow lost my motivation. I knew I still had a ways to go before my body would look how I wanted it to...but I couldn't get myself to the gym. It had become more of a mental battle rather than a physical one. 

So, Monday evening I sat down and wrote out some goals. I figured a good way to keep myself accountable was to write it out here as well, for my two readers ;) 

Current weight: 137 (depending on the day) 

Goal weight by my birthday (Sept 13): 130 

For these four weeks I will be cutting out soda, sweets and fast food as well. I have to say I have rocked my first two days, in and out of the gym!! It feels so good to be back working towards a better, healthier me. :) After the first four weeks I will set new goals. Baby steps are important. I can't wait to see what results I have!! So if you are reading this, help keep me accountable!!!! 

To update on the romance in my life, or lack there of, I went out on a date with the 22 year old dad. We had a lot of fun, but in the end, I don't see us as a good fit. So I had to tell him we can how full still be friends. The other guy from work has been talking to me regularly until the past few days, so who knows. I'm not sure if we are a good match either? 

Now the one I'm really interested in, the oil field guy, we've talked here and there for the last two weeks and he was supposed to come home yesterday, but I haven't heard from him yet. I'm very interested in him and we have a lot in common, I'm just trying not to get my hopes up. I don't want to be disappointed again. So I'm just going to let it ride and see what happens... 

Work is...work still. Everyone is stressed and we are all trying to fix it. Changes are still being made and I'm hoping to receive more duties. Time will tell... Tuesday was my one year anniversary there, though. It's hard to believe it's been that long. Time sure flies!! 

I read an article the other day that really struck a chord with me, but I will save that for another blog, this one is already random enough!!

Back In The Saddle

These last few weeks have been interesting. I have moved past the last asshole and am myself again. I took the time I needed to be sad and angry, but I'm over. I'm moving on. Someone will appreciate me one day... 

Last week I rejoined a dating website. I used to be on this site religiously. I used to get so worked up about guys messaging me, guys responding and searching through the endless profiles. This time I have a different approach and a different mindset about it all. I'm letting them come to me, and the few I may contact first, I'm not going to be anxiously waiting for their reply. I feel so much more relaxed about everything. I'm definitely still not ok with being single, but I'm trying to enjoy it. 

I now have one guy I've been messaging...and now texting from the dating site. I've been pretty relaxed about it. He is in the oil field and is very busy. He is very much "my type". Then there are two guys from my parttime job that have been talking to me since Saturday. One of which I am very attracted to.. The only thing I'm worried about is the fact that he's 4 years younger and has a 2 year old daughter. He also has quite the past. He seems to be saying all the right things and I'm very much looking forward to seeing him again this weekend, but I'm keeping my guard up. 

This past week has been an ego boost to say the least! 

Work is still ungodly stressful. We are short staffed and there are certain people who don't know what the hell they are doing and it makes it so much harder on everyone. I love my coworkers dearly, but I'm over working in the medical field. I'm tired of rude, sick patients who yell at me for no reason. I'm just tired...

On a more uplifting note, I get to see my nephew in 2 1/2 weeks!! I haven't seen him since June and he's grown so much. I can't believe he's crawling!! I wish he could just stay little... 

A week from tomorrow I turn 26. Holy shit. It's so weird to think about. I have lived in Texas for a year now and it's so crazy to think about!! One of my best friends is coming to visit the week after my birthday. It will be SO good to see her. It's hard being away from your best friends, but I've discovered who really is my friend. My best friends and I talk almost daily like nothing has changed. That's true friendship. I'm so blessed. I know I get down on myself and get depressed about my life sometimes, but I really am thankful for where I'm at and those in my life. 

I can't wait to see what this next year brings!

Taking Control

I've been in a funk for 2 weeks now. I've been mad, frustrated, depressed and sad. I've eaten so much unhealthy food and drank so much beer. I feel like crap. I probably look like crap and I've gained about 5 pounds. It is time for me to wake up. 

Last night a friend and I went to my favorite little country bar for what they call "Working Women's Wednesday", which translates into $1 beer!! We got a beer and started to unwind from the day, then I got contemplative. I wanted to see Mr. N-S-W, or did I? I felt anxious. I was constantly checking the door to see if he was walking in. He never showed, we left and 8 and I went home and cried. You see, I texted him to see if we could just talk sometime. I'm not really sure why I wanted to, but I needed closure. He actually responded, but just said "no". That was kind of the final chapter in the short book that was our relationship or whatever it was. He was done. I was done. 

The crying turned into one of those ugly cries. I couldn't stop thinking I was alone and would never find love again. Luckily my best friends from the heartland know how to love on me. (I had a package from one yesterday as well, which only enhanced the crying...) I always feel bad because I'm so negative about love and relationships and sometimes even about life. They always know what to say. 

I am finishing up this week being lazy, but it stops there. Next week I'm back in the gym, I'm eating healthy and I'm focused on making myself happy. I am back to not worrying about guys, especially at the bar... I won't be crossing the bar to talk to a guy for quite some time. Next week I will be back on the self-enhancement journey. I'm actually looking forward to getting back in the gym and losing the rest of this weight! 

Work is getting more stressful by the day. The lack of communication is exhausting and so frustrating. People say they will do something and then don't. I feel like I can't do my job correctly without constantly questioning myself or second guessing. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells and trying to please everyone, which is next to impossible at that place. I've been applying at other jobs and haven't had any luck. I'll just keep working and doing my best until things actually change or I find something different. I can't wait until I can go back to school... 

Plans to see my sweet nephew are in the works. I miss that little boy more than I can say. ❤️ 

Tomorrow is finally Friday again. I can't wait to relax and prepare myself for a new week. I can't wait to start fresh and start working on my goals again. 

Head vs Heart

Last night I went to my favorite little country bar with my coworker and we had a blast. Mr. N-S-W was not there...and I'm still not sure how that makes me feel. I go there and I'm anxious. Part of me still wants to see him. I don't know what it is about him, but it makes me sick. I feel like I'm constantly looking around to see if he shows up. He's everywhere, though, outside of the bar. Someone on Instagram likes my photo and has the same name, a band requests to follow me on twitter who's band name has his name in it, or the song I find on YouTube is posted by someone with him name. He's all around, yet no where at all...

I met someone last night. HOT AS HELL. Navy man. We hit it off well and his friends were a hoot. I admit I drank more than I should have, but it was fun. We made out. A lot. I laid into him heavy and put all the cards on the table. We talked about a lot of shit and he knew I was skeptical of how genuine he really was, or wasn't. We talked about trust issues, on both sides, what we wanted from a relationship and so much more. It was kind of intense. 

Never heard from him today. I know you are SO surprised. I am not. Yes, I wanted to believe he was true and that he meant what he said. And deep down a little part of me did, I have to give every guy a fair shot. But what is it so fucking hard for a guy to be honest? How hard is it to say what you really want or feel? I constantly feel so led on and I'm sick of it. I made the move last night and I'm kind of mad at myself for it because that is what I'm trying to get away from, but I don't regret the experience. 

My emotions and logic are battling it out. I want a guy to prove himself, not just say he will. I want a guy to text me every day. I want a guy who makes me laugh and feel so comfortable. I want to fall in love. But, I'm trying to be a realist and prepare myself for the let down. I may never find this dream guy. I may never find true love. It doesn't always happen for everyone. I want to believe it will happen for me, but a girl can only put up with lies for so long. 

Ok, so it was one night with this guy. I'm not devasted over him. I'm not heartbroken over him. I'm not crying. I'm disappointed in men. I'm exhausted from trying SO hard. I'm frustrated with going all in and getting nothing in return.  I'm tired of not feeling like I'm good enough. 

To change the subject, work still sucks. I think it may be getting worse. There's so much uncertainty and lack of communication. I feel trapped and out of place. I want something different and that scares me a little. Change is scary, I know. I've already made one huge change in my life recently, do I take another leap of faith? If I don't I will probably be miserable every day and what kind of life is that? What's the point in living a life where you aren't happy with what you're doing? 

I need to keep the search going and to keep putting myself out there. Supposedly good things come to good people, but maybe I'm being punished for something. It feels like it at times. I sometimes feel like I can't do anything right or I'm not trying hard enough. I just want to feel satisfied. I want to live a life that's worthy of being shared with someone. Who wants to share a mundane, unhappy life? In other aspects of my life I am happy, I'm not completely unhappy, but I just want the whole package. I want to love my life completely.