180 Degrees

Hello cyberworld!! 

I'm so embarrassed to just now be writing again, especially after my goal for 2016 to blog at least monthly!! SO much has happened in the past 7 months. My life has taken quite the turn, for the good!

So I last left you with my goals, hopes and dreams for 2016. First, I wanted to lose some weight. I'm proud to say I have lost some weight these past several months, I'm not so proud to say I've gained some back!! As you may or may not know, I'm not the best at getting to the gym consistently. BUT I'm still trying. I'm on my second week of a four week program and I think it's going well. I'm just taking it one day at a time!!! I'm really pushing myself to see what I can accomplish by the end of this year still. 

What about my travels you may ask? (Because I know SO many people read this and have been DYING to know!!) ;P 

Louisville was amazing. My bestie and I had an absolute blast! The city was beautiful and SO much fun to explore. We ate great food, drank some great beer and whiskey, saw some really cool places (my favorite was definitely the Louisville Slugger Museum!!) and got to spend some quality time with each other. I'm so grateful my bestie has the same travel bug as I do and that we get to explore new places together. I'm looking forward to our next adventure!! (Which just so happens to be in 1 month, 2 weeks and 6 days!!!) We get to spend a nice long weekend on Galveston island!! 

San Diego was beautiful as always. It was so great to see my aunt, uncle, cousins again. They have really grown up! The oldest graduated high school and will be starting college in a few weeks. I'm so freaking proud of her!! Seeing my grandparents and parents was really great too. Like I said before, I cherish time with them so much more now. ❤️

In January I made a commitment to myself to stop looking for love and to focus on myself. Well, before I took myself off all dating sites I sent out one last message to someone I found interesting...and we've been together ever since!!! I am so freaking happy and in love. I almost can't believe it. I never thought it was possible for me to feel this way again. B is absolutely amazing. He treats me so well and I can just feel his love for me. He has gotten to meet some friends, my cousins, my sister and her family and my parents! Everyone just loves him. He will be with me in Galveston so he can FINALLY meet my bestie! 

Some days I feel like it's not real, like it's too good to be true and I don't deserve this. I'm not sure why I feel like this. Maybe it's because it's been so long and I'd forgotten what it was like. Some days I still expect him to just disappear like all the others, but he doesn't. B is in the Air Force and I knew this going into our first date (his profile mentioned it). I honestly didn't give it much thought because I didn't see it going past the first date, it never did. But that first date was so great, we had dinner and talked for hours. I came out of that date so scared because I really liked him and I (thought) I knew what the military life was all about. I remember texting my bestie and telling her I really liked him but was scared of him being military and knowing he only had so much time left here. She told me not to think too much about that and just get to know him and enjoy myself. Our second date was even better. We went bowling, played pool and had some beers. (And had our first kiss!!) On this date he told me he didn't want to freak me out but he really liked me and hoped things got serious, but that he needed to know I was ok with moving because that's what his job (Air Force) required.

I. Was. Stunned. I had these same thoughts just days before after our first date. I told him I had already thought about it and was very ok with moving. I think he was even more stunned at my response!! I think we were both surprised at how quickly we fell for each other. On February 6, just two and a half weeks after my first message, he asked me to be his girlfriend. (Of course I said yes!!) 

Things have been a whirlwind since that day. We've spent significant time with each other's families (the little bit that I have in Texas, whereas the majority of his is here) and very few weekends apart. He has just over a year left on his contract in Texas...and has asked me to go with him wherever he goes next. As scary and exciting as it is, I've never been more sure of anything. He even asked my opinion on where we should go next. I've told him I will go anywhere with him. We've talked about me moving in (soon I hope!) and marriage. Yes, HE IS THE ONE!! We will for sure be married at some point. He hasn't officially asked and I have no ring, but marriage is in our future. Sooner if he gets orders to go overseas, which we have talked in depth about and think this is a great time for us to do it. Our top picks right now are England, Florida and Washington (which is where is brother is stationed). I told him I would be perfectly happy with any of these options. 

I never thought I could be a military spouse, never thought I was strong enough. Now looking back, I truly believe that my years of singleness and independence was preparing me for this. It was preparing me to be a strong, stable, reliable military spouse. I'm still scared to death. The thought of deployment scares the hell out of me. The thought of moving somewhere and making new friends is terrifying. But, knowing I'll be doing it with him makes me feel better. Hell, I've already relocated myself, by myself. I can do it with someone!! 

Lately all I can think about is moving and weddings and deployments. It's been so stressful. I'm losing sleep. I've been doing s lot of research and planning, which is stupid because I'm learning you can't plan very much while in the military. A HUGE struggle for me!! I've been finding military spouse/SO blogs and articles to read. I'm very new to all this so I'm trying to learn as much as I can!! My bestie is truly a godsend. She somehow keeps me sane through all this while being hundreds of miles away. B does a good job too. He just tells me it's all going to be ok and to stop worrying. I read a blog a few weeks ago by a military spouse. She wrote something that hit me hard. She wrote, "stop thinking about what's next and just enjoy right now. What's wrong with where you are right now?". So, I've been trying my best to live for the moment and enjoy this stage we are currently in. I'm trying to just enjoy the ride!!

Well, my niece is now 7 months old and cute as ever!! She's so chunky and her smile lights up the room. I absolutely adore her!! My nephew is growing like a weed and talking like a 10 year old (he is only 2.5 years old!!). He is my favorite and he adores B!! 😍 My younger sister is pregnant and due the end of September. It's been hard not to be around during her pregnancy, but my parents are flying me home to surprise her for her baby shower Labor Day weekend. I can't wait to rub her belly!!! Haha. 

Boston is about a month away and I couldn't be more excited. My friend Chloe and I are going together and have it all planned out!! I get to see my Red Sox at Fenway park against the Yankees!! I just cannot wait for this trip!! 

After Boston will be a trip back to Iowa for Thanksgiving- with B!! I'm so very excited and grateful to take him home to meet the rest of my family and friends and to show him where I'm from. It's going to be a busy, crazy week, but we will have so much fun. 

That is all for now. You are completely caught up on my life!! I WILL be back soon!!! 

Happy New Year

First of all, Happy New Year y'all!! Yes I know we are nearly two weeks into the new year, but I wanted to do a lot of reflecting and goal setting before my first blog of 2016. I've got a lot on my mind that I need to spill out into cyberspace. I will begin and end on happy notes, with the meaty goodness in between. 

First off, I've got some major goals mapped out for this year. They range from continuing my weight loss journey to saving money to traveling and even blogging! My cousin and I have teamed up to help encourage and keep each other accountable for weight loss and all around healthiness. It's great to have someone to check in with and text when my motivation is running low. It's also nice to have someone to text updates to on my progress. We've set a date of June 1st as the goal end date. My goal is to be down 27.8 pounds. I've gotten back to going to the gym regularly and even joined a new gym that offers more, like classes and tires to flip!! I'm really excited see what I can accomplish these next five months. 

I've got three big trips in the works for this year. The first will come in March when I get to meet my bestie in Louisville, KY. It is going to be so much fun to explore a new city together. Our friendship isn't like most other friendships, we live hundreds of miles away from each other so we don't get to enjoy the things most besties get to enjoy on a regular basis. We don't get to meet for happy hour, go to the movies, have a girls night in watching movies, go on a walk together or go out to dinner. I think this makes our friendship even more special because even though we don't get to do these things weekly, or even monthly, we are able to stay very connected and involved in each other's lives. Social media and technology are a godsend to long distance besties!! Anyways, I'm beyond thrilled to get to drink wine, relax, go out on the town and explore with my bestie. March can't get here fast enough!!! Oh, and I can't wait to hug her!! It really is the simple things!!

Next up: San Diego!! I will be heading off to sunny and sandy California in June to see my cousin graduate from high school. I don't get to see this branch of the family often and I'm looking forward to catching up and sharing some special moments together. Making it even better, my grandparents will also be in California for this wonderful event so I will get to spend some time with them which is rare too!! Moving away has definitely made me appreciate the time I get with family and friends. 

Last, but certainly not least: BOSTON!!! I will be taking a trip to the home of the Red Sox for my birthday September! My plan is to fulfill my bucket list item of seeing the Red Sox play the Yankees at Fenway Park. There are also so many other things I want to see and do while I am there. The area is absolutely gorgeous and there is a lot of history! I have a couple friends who have said they want to come with me, but if they can't commit when I'm buying the tickets for the game, I'm going solo!! The thought of going solo used to terrify me, but now it actually excites me!! Is it bad I'm hoping no one commits?!? If not this trip, I will definitely be taking a solo trip at some point in the near future. I think it's a great way to learn more about yourself and to test your limits. 

I'm planning on blogging at least once a month this year. I've never been good at being consistent with it so I want to try to do it more. I've even got an app on my phone to remind me to do it!!

With the new year also comes new hope for love. Well, hope for finding renewed hope in love may be more accurate. I've noticed over the past several years how bitter, angry and cynical I've become regarding love, relationships and the possibility of marriage. I've met asshole after asshole, each one truly making me feel unlovable. I've never verbalized that thought before and seeing it in black and white is hard, but it's an honest concern. The last time a man (ok he was a boy) told me he loved me I was 17.  Now I know having a mans love doesn't validate me as a woman, but as a woman who longs for a family of her own, it's a tough pill to swallow. I've taken myself off dating sites for the new year. I'm trying to focus the year on myself. I'm going to take myself on dates at least once a month. I'm going to accomplish my health goals and I'm going to travel. But it still doesn't make it any easier to have the void of a significant other in my life. How will I meet someone if I'm not putting myself out there into cyberspace? I don't know, and that's sad and scary at the same time to think online dating is my only chance at finding love. I don't know how people do anymore. I don't know where people meet. As much as I try to focus on everything else in my life, late at night I find myself thinking about love. I find myself sad and confused. So, my hope is to soften my heart and tear down some walls this year. Bitterness is not very attractive in a mate...

My happy ending for this blog is that I am writing it on the eve of my niece's birth day. That is right, tomorrow I become an auntie of two!! I'm so terribly excited and anxious to see my sweet niece's face. I don't know how I can love someone as much as my nephew, but I will certainly try! I'm sure as soon as I see her face the love will just flow out! Baby Clara- aunt Aimee is so ready to meet you! 😍 

2016 is going to be a good year, I can just feel it. I'm ready for a change inside and outside. 

Tis the Season

With the holidays upon us, Thanksgiving is literally minutes away, there is so much on my heart. This time of year is rough for me, even more so being so far away from most of the people I care about. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I've been reflecting on the reasoning behind that lately. 

You see, Thanksgiving was always spent the same way. Every year. (Until I moved two years ago of course) we would always go to my grandparents house and spend the whole day eating, laughing, playing games, telling stories and watching football with the majority of my dad's side of the family. It was always a blast. Thanksgiving was a source of consistency in an ever changing environment. Thanksgiving was always one day I could count on when all was right with the world. One day I could look forward to with great anticipation not be let down. Every other holiday seemed to change the older I got. Christmas was never the same going into adulthood. Everyone grew up, moved away, started families and it just became hard to get everyone together. That's why I loved Thanksgiving. Now that I've moved away and can't afford to make the trip home for the holidays, it becomes more apparent that everything will eventually change. It's hard to have to FIND somewhere to go for Thanksgiving. It almost feels like I have to ask to be a part of someone else's traditions and holiday memories. Holidays and special occasions feel anything but normal in Texas. I'm hoping this will be something that comes with time, I'm just unsure how much time it will take. Around this time of year, tears flow more frequently now. My emotions run high and the little things mean more than ever. It almost hurts physically to listen to friends and coworkers talk about holiday plans with loved ones. I don't want to seem like a Debbie downer so I force a smile and continue to listen to their preparations and plans, as I sit there contemplating what I will do. Deep down I wonder if this will be the holiday I have to spend home alone. Luckily I have wonderful cousins that live near me that love including me in all aspects of their life and with whom I will be spending my beloved holiday with, but it still doesn't feel right. It's not the same and I fear it never will be. 

With the holidays comes the other dreaded topic of conversation: singleness. I've had a lot on my heart and mind regarding this subject for quite some time and just haven't been able to put down in words how I feel, but I think it's time I try...

I have been single for over seven years now. Yes, I've dated here and there, but my last relationship was seven years ago. Typing that makes me want to cry. I've been on countless dates. I've got number in my phone from guy I don't even remember because our conversation lasted all of two minutes. I've hundreds of dating horror stories. I've also been on numerous dating websites. I don't know what it's even like to be in a relationship. Or to have someone genuinely interested in me. When I meet a guy and start talking I wait for one of two things: a long text explaining why "this" isn't going to work or silence. I've yet to decide which is worse. I don't get excited when I meet a "great" guy anymore. I try to avoid meeting them at all. I don't tell anyone if I do meet someone because it's embarrassing and disappointing to have to tell these same people days later, "just kidding, he's gone!" 

Am I ok being single? Yes. I enjoy living my life the way I want and doing everything that I want to do when I want to do it. I love the freedom. But I want more. I'm ready for more. 

I don't know of anyone who actually understands all this. Friends say they get it. But they don't. Have you been single seven years? No I didn't think so. Everyone wants to tell me how to be single and where to meet someone. Everyone tells me how great it must be. They tell me I should just enjoy it. They can't feel the pain of loneliness, because there is actual pain associated with it. They don't know the agony of getting to know someone new day in and day out. Explaining your situation and what you want out of life. It's exhausting and I'm so tired of it. I don't want to open up to anyone else just to have to turn around and do it again, because I know I'll have to. I know, you think I'm just being negative. But that's the other thing people don't understand, it's hard to be positive and upbeat about a situation you've lived through so many times with the same outcome. I have to be realistic and cautious. I have to have a guard up. 

I still cry every time. I don't cry over the specific guy, I cry over the situation. I cry and wonder to myself why I tried again. I wonder why I thought this time would be different. I just cry.... 

The majority of my best friends and family are in relationships or dating someone. I am genuinely happy for each and every one of them. I really am. But, sometimes it's hard. I listen to their excitement over someone new. I listen to the adorable things he did unexpectedly and squeal with them in excitement. I listen to them rant about how stupid he was and I share in their frustration over their arguments. I listen to the family drama between his and hers. I listen to stories of their weekends together. I cheer them on every single step of the way. I feel their excitement, their anger, their joy, their pain, their love and their confusion. I share it all with them all while harboring a small pain inside wondering if they will ever get to share in those things with me, if I will ever get to experience them firsthand again. 

Being single during the holidays just adds to the pain.

I don't really feel I have a clever way to end this passage, but I'm glad to rid these thoughts from my mind. Below is an article I found recently that hit me square in the chest. I cried of course. Someone else ACTUALLY gets it. It is a great read for singles and those in relationships. 

http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/10-heartbreaking-truths-about-being-single-nobody-likes-talk-about

I will end on a note of Thanksgiving- I am so very thankful for my life, my family and my friends. I am blessed in ways I shouldn't be and with things I shouldn't have and for that I am grateful. I am beyond thankful for our military personnel and what they do daily for me to live this life. I am thankful for a job, car and roof over my head. 

Happy Thanksgiving y'all ❤️

Clouds set in

I've been a bitch this week. I'm not afraid to admit it. I've ignored texts and calls. I've gone out alone and stayed home from outings. Yes, it's all been on purpose. Yes, I've dealt with yet another asshole. This one was different (as they all seem to be). I can't even go in to detail because I relive the details every single day and I can't force myself to type it out permanently how great he was knowing that it was all for nothing. 

My heart hurts. I hate men. I hate love. I hate romance and I hate him. I've deleted online dating profiles. I've shut down feelings and desires. I feel numb. My heart can't take rejection again. I can't allow myself to get excited and hopeful again. It's exhausting and disappointing. It hurts. 

I've been ignoring everyone because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear the cliche phrases. I don't want to hear "I'm sorry, guys suck". I don't want to listen to any of it. A lot of my best friends are in really great relationships and I'm beyond happy for them, but I haven't wanted to hear about it. I haven't wanted to celebrate their relationship victories. I've been a bitch and a horrible friend. I'm soaking up alone time even though that's something I've become very accustomed to. 

Tomorrow is a new day. The healing will take time. I'm going to focus on my health and moving forward. I will text my friends and share in their love. 

On a completely different note, a week ago today I turned 27. It's crazy and scary to think about. 30 is right around the corner. But, ringing in 27 was pretty great. I got to be with my family. I got to wake up to the two most important guys in my life: my nephew and my dad. I got to experience my dad's first NFL game with him as we went to see the Chiefs vs Texans opening season game in Houston. It was a great game and our Chiefs won. It was definitely my best birthday yet and I wouldn't have wanted to spend it any other way. It was a day I will never forget. 

Which Way is Up?

I got back from vacation about a week ago and since then I've been a complete mess...

I had such an amazing trip, but it's left me feeling confused, sad and lonelier than ever. 

First stop was Kansas City seeing one of my besties. We had a blast! It was so good to finally see her again and catch up...and hug! That's one of the hardest parts about long distance friendships, you don't get to hug the, nearly as often as you'd like, or need. I finally got to meet her boyfriend whom I'd heard SO much about. He's really fun and they are great together. We drank and drank and drank some more! Finally saw my Red Sox play after about four years! The game was a blast- especially since we won!! I got to see much more of KC than I ever have before. It's really a great city and has a lot of offer!! The KC leg of my trip was perfect. We had plans, but not much that was set in stone so we got to relax and sleep in and change our minds- it was great. 

Next came Iowa, where every minute was planned out, quite literally. I knew from the start it would be exhausting. First I saw my old roomie/bestie #2. We went out to one of the bars we used to frequent and just had a blast. The next day we took one of our infamous road trips, this time to north eastern Iowa. We saw the bachelors house in Arlington, I was so embarrassed!!!! Then we drove through the countryside on back roads to the Mississippi River and ate lunch and just enjoyed each other's company. It was an awesome day. 

The next day I went out to lunch with an old best friend from high school who is due to pop any day! It was great to catch up and hear about her life and kids. I'm so proud of where she's gotten herself to in life and of the mom she is. She's amazing. 

After lunch I went up to visit my college peeps in northern Iowa. I went to Algona, which is where my grandparents live and also where my ex/best friend now lives. I surprised him at his apartment. He's the only one who didn't know I was coming and I like to see the look on his face. Our other friend had been trying to get him to agree to go to karaoke that night but he made other plans...which he canceled once he knew I wanted to go to karaoke. So we got in his truck, grabbed some beers and headed on the hour-ish drive for Okoboji. He started to speed up and then said "hell we aren't in a hurry" and set the cruise at 60. We drank and he played me his current favorite songs. I could NOT stop smiling. My heart felt happy and I felt complete. It was a strange feeling. We talked and laughed like the old days. We met our other friend at the lake and enjoyed some karaoke. Us girls made him sing one of out favorite songs. My other friend couldn't stay long so he and I were alone again. Turns out he wanted to go somewhere else so we got in the truck and were off. We met up with some of his buddies and ate and drank a couple more beers before heading back to his place. In the car on the way home he played a very special song and I hand my hand on his arm and while the song played we just kept looking over at each other. It was pretty powerful. Again, my heart was so happy and I felt the world was right. We got back to his place and got ready for bed. We laid there close together our faces towards each other and we talked. Then we kissed and made out. It was like any other time we have ever kissed. It wasn't drunken and sloppy. It was childish or playful. It was slow, passionate adult kissing. He didn't try anything else. He didn't even take my shirt off. It was very mature and perfect. We cuddled practically all night. He would kiss he top of my head. In the morning he got ready for work then laid back down next to me. He said I could stay as long as I want and just lock up on my way out. He had his hand on my leg and was rubbing it. I couldn't help but think about waking up next to him...all the time. I can't explain it, but I never feel safer or happier than I do in his arms. This makes life difficult. He doesn't share his feelings and me living so far away is limiting. He makes me feel alive. We are going to have a talk...

Then, I went back to my parents where my older sister, brother-in-law and nephew were...and I found out they are expecting again. Moments later I also found out my little sister miscarried and my older sister was talking about moving back to Iowa in the very near future. Job interviews were already set up and everything. My heart stopped. My world stopped. I had to fight so hard to keep the tears away...which eventually hit later, multiple times. My nephew was 90% why I chose Texas as the place to try something new. I see him every 6-8 weeks. He's my whole world and the best part of life. Immediately I started thinking of moving, but I don't want to be back in Iowa. 

I've been a wreck. I've been looking at jobs and housing in Kansas City which is still about 3 hours from my nephew...and everyone else. It was so hard to leave this time. It's been so hard being away, being alone. I just don't know what to do. On top of this, I hate work. I feel sick going in the building. I lose my appetite and get anxiety. I've gone maybe one day this week without crying. My life just seems to be a mess. My heart hurts. It aches so badly for complete and utter happiness, a feeling I don't know very well, but I know I had felt a piece of when I was home. I don't know what to do...

Conflicting Emotions

I don't really even know where to begin tonight, or this morning I guess. In a way I sort of feel two faced. I've never felt so many conflicting and opposing emotions all at once. 

People are constantly asking me:

1. "How are you?"

2. "How's your job?"

3. "How are you liking Texas?" 

4. "How did you make such a huge move on your own?"

5. "Have you met anyone?"

6. "What kind of plans do you have for yourself?"

Most of the time I have no idea what to respond with. Most of the time I can't form a thought or response that would make sense to anyone. I have never felt more unsure about my life. 

My thoughts vs my answers to the above: 

1. Thoughts: I am happy, sad, independent, lonely, excited, scared, angry and confused. 

Answer: I am great. 

2. Thoughts: I hate it. I love the people. I've never felt like I don't know anything about my job before. Why did I get a new job? I like the money. I hate going to work. I love the hours. There's so much opportunity. Is this what my future holds? Is this it? Where do I go from here?

Answer: It's going well. It's a lot, but it's still new. 

3. Thoughts: I love it. It's so hot. There's no snow. It's so far from everyone. It's close to my nephew. It's a change. There's so much to do. It's been challenging. It's scary. I wish I could be in two places at once. I'm so poor. 

Answer: I love it. 

4. Thoughts: I have no fucking idea. I just survived. Am I surviving? What am I doing? Why did I think I could do this alone? I feel like I'm drowning. I feel so free. I've learned so much about myself. 

Answer: I knew it was right to be near my nephew. 

5. Thoughts: Fuck no. Are there any good men left? Why does everyone keep asking me that? There's so much pressure. I wish I could find someone. I want to find someone. I'm going to be the last one. 

Answer: No, not yet. :)

6. Thoughts: Fuck if I know, I just need to get through today. I'd love to go back to school...I think. What do I do now? I'm barely getting by as it is. I just uprooted my life what more do you want from me right now?

Answer: Oh I want to go back to school soon. 

I feel full of crap. I feel so fake, but I don't want to spill my guts to everyone. I don't want to complain. I don't want to seem ungrateful for where my life is right now. My mind won't shut off. I can't stop the constant battle of my thoughts and feelings. Half of the time I don't know which way is up. 

Part of me thinks I need to find another therapist since my last one has moved, but then I have to start over, again. I feel like my life is a constant stream of start-overs. I should probably quit men, again. It's no use... 

There have been a lot of reminders of the past recently. I am still friends with half of Austin's (my high school boyfriend) family on Facebook. It is a constant reminder of the family I once (and still occasionally) longed and hoped to be a part of. A family that I still love dearly and miss. I think there was a part of me that thought he and I would still end up together, that we would go our separate ways and come back to each other. Clearly that isn't how the story goes.... He was the first and last boy to ever tell me he loved me, that fact alone scares me shitless. Maybe there won't be another. It has been 7 1/2 years of waiting; of heartbreak. Life made sense then. I felt like life was headed in the right direction and I knew what I was doing. Now, I'm lost. I think I'm happy with who I am as a person, but I don't feel like I know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I seem to be floating around with no real direction. 

Then there's Kyle. The one person, after the most horrible heartache in the world, made me feel ok. He's always had a way of making me feel safe and understood. I've been in love with him since the beginning and part of me feels like we are supposed to be together. So, of course I move 1000 miles away....  He's seen me at my darkest. He's carried me through some of the worst days of my life. He makes me laugh and feel special. The only problem with Kyle is that he can never tell me how he feels. It's always confusing. I just want him to be open and honest, but I feel like he's scared. So I go through my days constantly wondering and keeping him in the back of my mind. 

I miss so many people on a daily basis that it makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I've never felt so at home and so out of place at the same time before. 

This is all over the place, and kind of dark and jaded, but I needed to get these thoughts out. I've been battling them for quite some time now...

Just a few words...

I don't have much to say tonight, but so much on my mind. The loneliness hit hard today. I'm not even sure how or why as I was surrounded by family and friends most of the day. But, as I drove home from my cousins house, the tears just wouldn't stop. 

I'm also tired of hearing "it will happen eventually" and "you just haven't met the right one". I feel so unworthy when no guy can stand to be with me for more than a few weeks. I feel unlovable. I feel like I'm paying for some wrong doing, of what I'm unsure. I'm just afraid I'll go my whole life never experiencing the one thing I long for most....