Just a few words...

I don't have much to say tonight, but so much on my mind. The loneliness hit hard today. I'm not even sure how or why as I was surrounded by family and friends most of the day. But, as I drove home from my cousins house, the tears just wouldn't stop. 

I'm also tired of hearing "it will happen eventually" and "you just haven't met the right one". I feel so unworthy when no guy can stand to be with me for more than a few weeks. I feel unlovable. I feel like I'm paying for some wrong doing, of what I'm unsure. I'm just afraid I'll go my whole life never experiencing the one thing I long for most....

Update

I know it's been a couple weeks since I set up some "rules" for myself...so I thought I'd check in. :)

I've been eating mostly well.. I think I may be more 80/20, but it's better than nothing. It's hard some days to eat the lunch I packed for work. It's hard to not go through the drive thru on my way home from work, but I can tell a difference and I'm starting to feel better. 

I've been hitting the gym 3-4 times a week. Not as much as I'd like, but again, it's a start. I'm hoping to increase my gym attendance with the coming weeks. I've forgotten how much I love to lift and to be active. It's still hard to motivate myself to get there some days though. Some days I'd rather get a beer...and sometimes I choose the beer. But I reason with myself and I don't have too many either. 

School: I've done nothing on this front and I'm angry about it. My drive to go back comes and goes. My desire to get on things to go back passes by. Most days I can't wait to go back because I know it will get me where I want to be. But then I get scared again. Then I feel lazy...and then I feel stuck. I need to give this more attention and energy...

I hate men. Yes, still. I've taken down my online profiles and haven't missed them really. But I do miss having a guy or two to talk to. I've had a guy from the past try to worm his way back in and I let him for awhile, but I've taken care of that now. Or I guess he did because he disappeared. Again. Which starts the sadness and frustration all over again. I'm working on it... With the removal of men from my life, though, it's allowed more time to think about my ex, Kyle. It's allowed me to long for him more. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm so torn. I obviously don't know how he feels and I'm not sure I ever will, but I keep thinking about if I wasn't in Texas, would we have a chance? Would he want me back? How could things be different? I love Texas and my life here, but I get so lonely. All. The. Time. Most days my heart is in two states. I'm so ready for the next step and so scared it won't ever come for me. 

Last Saturday I ran my first 5K in several years. I ran the Race for the Cure. This is something I usually walk with my grandma who is a survivor, but since we couldn't be together I wanted to run in her honor. It was a completely moving experience. I also know two other women who are survivors, one of which is fighting another round, and I ran in their honor, too. I had tears in my eyes the whole time and I ran the WHOLE thing. I was beyond proud of myself and humbled at the experience. I will definitely do it next year. 

Detox

As I'm writing this I'm waiting for my NyQuil to kick in... So I must hurry. ;)

Starting tomorrow (April 1st) I will be detoxing. No, I'm not doing a juice detox, I'm doing a life detox. As I mentioned last time, I wasn't committing 100% to working out, I haven't been consistent with eating right, I'm not confident about school and I hate men..... So I'm detoxing. 

First, tomorrow I'm starting a 30 day (and will hopefully continue after that) Paleo/Whole30 lifestyle. I'm going to be doing this 90/10. Most days I will be 100%, but I know I have to allow for a slip up. Plus, there are things that are Paleo that are not Whole30, like dark chocolate. :) 

Second, I'm hitting the gym. Now, like every other time I plan to start a regimen, I've gotten this horrible sinus/allergy crap going on... So I may not hit the gym till Monday, but I WILL start. I haven't been in almost a month and it makes me so mad. I really have no excuse, but I make one up every morning. Yes, I do believe my depression plays a part, but I need to push through and overcome this struggle. 

Third, either later this week or next (depending on how I'm feeling with this sinus crap), I will be going to the college to get things figured out so I can take at least one class this summer and then more come fall. I'm still scared and I still doubt my dedication and ability to follow through, but I know this new job I started is not a forever thing for me. It is not a career and I'm at an age and point in my life where I need to figure out where I'm headed career-wise. My cousin also shared something with me recently that really struck me. She told me that since she was 27, single with nothing promising on the horizon in the relationship aspect that she decided to make her career her main focus. Well, she recently go a new (higher up) job making more money and has met a really great guy. Now, I obviously don't think that just because it worked for her that's how it will work for me, but she had a great point and it was a great outlook to have. Which brings me to my forth and final point of the night since I can start to feel the effects of this NyQuil... 😴😬😂

Forth, tomorrow I will be deleting my online dating profiles. Yes, I have more than one... None of them are bringing anything positive into my life so I'm ridding myself of the unnecessary drama, hurt, confusion and let downs. I will be focusing on ME. Now, I have said this a few times in the past, but this time I plan on sticking to my word. I am the most important person right now and I'm the only person taking care of me, so why not put all my energy into making my life the best it can be RIGHT NOW? (Disclaimer: there will still be times of loneliness, sadness, missing exes, anger, etc...I AM a girl after all, but I know I need to go through with these actions to make any future relationships complete.)

Though I know I write this blog for myself, if I have readers and you want to hold me accountable, please feel free to do so!! It's not always easy going it alone...

Speechless

I know it's been quite awhile since I've written....

For some updates, I left the clinic and now have a new job and plans to finally go back to school...which still scares the hell out of me. I still doubt myself. But, I just finished my first month of training and things seem to be going well. 

I'm getting back into a workout routine, but I still haven't mastered it yet. I need to just completely focus on it and commit 100%. I think I'm still kicking myself for falling off the wagon last time and it's hard to get back. 

I hate men. I can't even get excited about a new prospect anymore. I already know how it will end. I don't even tell people I've met some either. What's the point in getting others excited? Plus, when he does disappear I have to tell everyone that yet another guy doesn't want me. It gets old and it's exhausting. I just want to be wanted and loved. I'm so tired of being alone. 

Oh and yay to all those out there in love and getting engaged or married or pregnant. I'm super happy for you...

I haven't written in awhile mostly because I'm not sure what to even say anymore. Most of the time I just feel like an idiot for thinking I can have it all some day. 

Icing on my awesome cake: still very much in love with my ex... 

The Struggle

I've been putting off this post for awhile now cause it's not something I like to talk about. Here it goes...depression. 

The pain and struggle of depression is very real. I've been thinking a lot about my four month downward spirl and weight gain. I had just spent time with one of my best friends who came to visit. When she left, I felt alone again. I just got in this funk and depression reared it's ugly head once again. 

I couldn't get myself to the gym. Or the grocery store. I kept putting off getting back into my healthy routine and I practically lived off of drive thru meals...

The struggle is real. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I struggle take a shower. I struggle to get myself to work. I struggle to get to the store for healthy food...and then to prepare it. I struggle to eat the healthy food. I struggle to get myself to the gym. I struggle to get myself out of the house. I struggle... 

I have to fight and push myself daily. I have to tell myself that the gym and that salad are worth it, that my life is worth it. Because, to be honest, most days I don't feel like it is. I don't see the purpose. I can't see the worth. 

Luckily I have friends and family who show me love on a daily basis and who push me to be the best I can be. But, I am alone. I have very few people close by that I am close with to lean on. Asking for help is something I also struggle to do. I'm very independent and don't want to seem weak. 

I've been back in the gym fairly regularly for almost three weeks now. I'm starting to feel a little better in that regard. I've been eating well too and I know it's helping. I just have to keep pressing on. I have to keep pushing past the struggle...

Welcome to 2015...

"Happy New Year" is something I've heard a lot lately. Today is the first day of a new year, 2015 is here. 

With a new year comes all sorts of resolutions. Everyone is talking about the changes they want to make to themselves. I guess I am no different in this regard. 

Last year I worked my ass off for about 8 months to get fit and healthy. I came close to my goal weight and I'd never felt better. I let myself slip and these past four months I've gained it all back, plus some. I'm beyond angry with myself and very frustrated. How could I let this happen? Why didn't I stop myself? Why couldn't I control myself? 

I know I have to stop beating myself up, but it's hard. I did this to myself. I now have to work hard to get back to where I was and then get to where I want to be. It's not going to be easy, but I know I can do it. I'm not quitting this time. 

This year I'm choosing to focus on myself. Seems kinda silly since it's always just been me, right? Yes, I'm still single. But, I feel like I'm always looking, always focused on that part of my life and looking for my next chapter... But I'm already in it, without a guy. I know I need to stop putting so much focus and pressure on a romantic relationship and focus on being the best version of myself.  So, 2015 is all about Aimee. 

I have a feeling, though, that I will need help remaining focused on myself. I have a tendency to put others before me. Not this time. It's my time. 

I've been feeling down lately, missing family and friends back home during this holiday season. I don't have many friends close by to spend time with and it's hard. I've been doing mostly everything on my own, which can wear on a person. I feel like I have to carry it all by myself. I miss my family. I miss my best friends. But this move to Texas was the first step in focusing my life...on myself. 

I'm feeling alone and I'm feeling sad, but I have a strong feeling that 2015 is going to be a great year for me. 

A Small Point

This week has been rough, between being sleep deprived and getting back into a routine after a vacation and dealing with feelings for my ex... I'm exhausted. 

My ex and I ended on a note where I wanted him to think about whether or not he has feelings for me. I want him to forget the distance and the uncertainty and the confusion and just really figure out how he feels. This was about four days ago and I've heard nothing since and I'm not really thinking I will. 

It sucks. Six fucking years of loving him. I'm over my first love- Austin, my high school boyfriend. But Kyle, my god he does something to me. Every time I'm near him... Makes me feel like myself. 

I hate being alone, especially during the holidays. Can it just be March? 

I've been questioning my move some lately. I absolutely LOVE Texas, but I don't love being here alone...