Welcome to 2015...

"Happy New Year" is something I've heard a lot lately. Today is the first day of a new year, 2015 is here. 

With a new year comes all sorts of resolutions. Everyone is talking about the changes they want to make to themselves. I guess I am no different in this regard. 

Last year I worked my ass off for about 8 months to get fit and healthy. I came close to my goal weight and I'd never felt better. I let myself slip and these past four months I've gained it all back, plus some. I'm beyond angry with myself and very frustrated. How could I let this happen? Why didn't I stop myself? Why couldn't I control myself? 

I know I have to stop beating myself up, but it's hard. I did this to myself. I now have to work hard to get back to where I was and then get to where I want to be. It's not going to be easy, but I know I can do it. I'm not quitting this time. 

This year I'm choosing to focus on myself. Seems kinda silly since it's always just been me, right? Yes, I'm still single. But, I feel like I'm always looking, always focused on that part of my life and looking for my next chapter... But I'm already in it, without a guy. I know I need to stop putting so much focus and pressure on a romantic relationship and focus on being the best version of myself.  So, 2015 is all about Aimee. 

I have a feeling, though, that I will need help remaining focused on myself. I have a tendency to put others before me. Not this time. It's my time. 

I've been feeling down lately, missing family and friends back home during this holiday season. I don't have many friends close by to spend time with and it's hard. I've been doing mostly everything on my own, which can wear on a person. I feel like I have to carry it all by myself. I miss my family. I miss my best friends. But this move to Texas was the first step in focusing my life...on myself. 

I'm feeling alone and I'm feeling sad, but I have a strong feeling that 2015 is going to be a great year for me. 

A Small Point

This week has been rough, between being sleep deprived and getting back into a routine after a vacation and dealing with feelings for my ex... I'm exhausted. 

My ex and I ended on a note where I wanted him to think about whether or not he has feelings for me. I want him to forget the distance and the uncertainty and the confusion and just really figure out how he feels. This was about four days ago and I've heard nothing since and I'm not really thinking I will. 

It sucks. Six fucking years of loving him. I'm over my first love- Austin, my high school boyfriend. But Kyle, my god he does something to me. Every time I'm near him... Makes me feel like myself. 

I hate being alone, especially during the holidays. Can it just be March? 

I've been questioning my move some lately. I absolutely LOVE Texas, but I don't love being here alone...

Feeling Alive

I cannot believe it is December already. I can't believe how quickly time goes by. I just got back from a whirlwind weekend in Iowa where I got to surprise so many friends and family members with a visit. It was so much fun. I loved seeing the look on their faces and the joy. My heart has never felt so full. 

As loved as I feel and as many people I have surrounding me, I still feel alone an hate being single for the holidays. Most people really don't get it. I don't want someone who will shower me with gifts or anything, I just want someone to share holiday moments with. I want someone I make memories with and someone just to be by my side. 

I like to know I'm not alone in my feelings and dating blunders. Over Thanksgivng my cousins and I shared stories and dreams of relationships. I really hope one day we all find what we are longing for...

Over the weekend I had a chance to see one of my best friends who also happens to be an ex. We didn't date for long, but even broken up we've always still had an undeniable connection. We've always flirted here and there and he's always different with me. We've been through fights and moves and relationships and heartache. There have been ultimate fights I thought we'd never recover from, but we always find our way back to each other. We are such great friends... We've kept the physical part out of our relationship for a very long time, until last weekend. We've shared a bed countless times but the kisses eventually stopped. But last weekend- he kissed me. He sang a meaningful song for me. He made comments about me moving back. He said he missed me. But what does it mean? Why can't he say what he feels? I'm planning on having a talk with him. I think I'm most scared that he really doesn't feel anything, that I'm just someone comfortable...

Many people don't think he's good for me and there have been many times I've believed it. He's caused me pain and made me cry... But he's also been there for me through my darkest days. He knows me better than most. I think I've been denying my feelings for awhile. I love him... And it's so scary. 

In other aspects life has settled a little. My living situation is so much better and my anxiety has lessened. Texas feels right right now. School needs to be in my future. 

A new year is coming so quickly. I don't want life to pass by. I don't want regrets. 

Face Lift

Since I last wrote I feel like I've spiraled downwards into an even worse depression. Said guy from last post contacted me and apologized and wanted to make it all better- then stood me up. I don't understand what is wrong with people. And I'm angry, so very angry. 

I'm out of the dating scene. I'm not even excited about a good looking guy (unless it's Luke Bryan or Cole Swindell of course..) I feel no desire to date or even to talk to a guy at the bar. I think they are all full of shit. 

I know it probably seems to others that I spiral into depression over a silly boy. The thing is, though, that's just icing on the cake. 

I've been stressed about moving and feeling safe. I've been missing my best friends. I've been hating work. I've been feeling stuck. I've been missing my family. I've been tired and lonely. I want to go back to school but dread adding that to the mix. Add an asshole into that mix and I'm ready to throw in the towel. To top all of that off- my therapist informed me she is moving out of state. I haven't needed her in awhile, but now that I've reached the end of my rope and don't feel like I can handle it on my own, I'm losing her, too. I get to have one last visit tomorrow but then she's giving me a referral. I'm not sure how I feel about starting over with someone new again.... 

I've been gaining weight back. I've been eating like shit. Yet, I've found a new gym and even bought healthier food options but I can't bring myself to eat the food or get to the gym. I'm in this dark place and I'm aware of it. I'm trying to get out. My body knows I need to do it but my mind just can't get there. I can't shake this and it's scary. 

I see my therapist tomorrow. I'm hoping to go to a gym fundraiser on Saturday.  I'm hoping to unpack in the new place this weekend. This is going to take some time. Slow baby steps. I'm lucky to have some great people in my life who put up with me while I'm in this phase. 

"Darkness must precede the dawn..."

Last night the tears flowed endlessly. Tears of frustration. Tears of loneliness. Tears of sadness. Tears of worry. Tears of pain. Tears of tiredness. Tears of brokenness. And it probably didn't help to watch "The Notebook"...

I don't even know where to begin, except that I feel like a broken record with what my thoughts and feels are right now. 

Mr. Iowa is gone for good. Deleted off Facebook and number deleted out of my phone. I'm done with that mess. 

I met a new guy two weeks ago- we connected more than I think I've ever connected with anyone. I've never felt so in sync with someone and more like myself with someone, ever. 

Friday night he called around 11pm and we talked and laughed like normal. Saturday he was supposed to help me move and then take me to a concert...but I never heard from him. I called and texted all day, I even went to his place to make sure he was ok- no response. I still have yet to hear from him. I've experienced every emotion under the sun. I don't understand. I'm hurt and confused. No one had ever treated me with such respect and honor before, nor been more of a gentleman- and then he disappears just like the rest. In the blink of an eye... 

I'm taking myself out of the dating scene. I've said it before, but this time is different. My heart can't take it anymore. It's too painful to get rejected time after time. A little part of me dies every time and I fear one day I will have nothing left to give. 

I know everyone believes I will meet someone someday... But more and more, I don't believe this to be true. I know I will get the comments of "just give it time" and "you're so young" and "he obviously wasn't the right one, but the right one will come!". Well if you feel like saying any of these or something along these lines, don't. I don't want to hear them nor do I believe them. 

I'm working on being content with the single lifestyle, with possibly never having children of my own unless I adopt. The thought of never giving my parents grandchildren haunts me late at night. I want to be a mother more than anything, but maybe it's not meant to be. I don't want to have children in my 30s and I'm damn near 30 right now. I'm scared to death of living life alone forever. What kind of life is that, really? I wish I felt purpose... 

I am in the process of finishing up a move to the other side of town. I despise packing. It's been tough to put it all in boxes. To fit it all in one room. It will be a change living in a house with two people. I'm welcoming the change- yet I still feel alone. 

Sunday night I drove up to Austin to see a Christian rock band I used to follow in high school. The members are all different except the lead singer with whom I got to hang out with before the concert. The long drive to Austin and the lyrics sung that night touched my soul in a deep way. I needed that night more than I could have ever imagined. It had been nearly four years since I'd seen a show by this group and it was nothing short of amazing. The lead singer, David, is such an inspiring person and I've been blessed by his music for nearly eight years. Supporting their music has been more of a blessing to me than I think I've realized...

I woke up to a cloudy world today. The temperature was cooler and the breeze thin and crisp. I woke up to darkness today...just waiting for the light to come back... 

And it's stopped...

So just days ago my heart was so full and happy it was about to explode. Well, I feel like my heart has stopped now. Mr. Iowa is apparently still with his "ex" and was going to try and deny it until I sent a picture with proof. With the things we talked about and even talked about doing.... I'm speechless. I feel numb. I don't understand. Yet, am I surprised? Not really. This kind of shit happens to me every damn time. I feel like every time something good starts to happen, life just laughs and punches me in the face. 

What is so wrong with me? Why do i constantly get people who treat me like I'm worthless? As a person who struggles with depression, being treated like I'm nothing makes me feel like nothing. I try to build myself up and all, but I can only do so much. I do have great friends whom I probably offend every time I hit a low spot because I'm so negative and maybe even rude, but I just want to feel good. I want to feel normal. 

Most days I just don't want to go on...

Challenges

So I wasn't going to post again this soon, but I just had to share this...

I just finished a 30 day Instagram challenge (that I made up). The challenge was to find one thing every day that made me smile or made me happy. I can't even begin to describe the effect this has had on me. 

Some days were easy. I found something right away that made me happy. Other days were more of a challenge if you may... But, each day I had something to look forward to. Each day I was looking for the "happy". I was paying attention to the little things. Some days it was even creating these moments (buying my favorite food, going to a favorite place, etc). But either way, I was appreciating everything. I was choosing to be happy. Happy. Not an emotion people feel all the time. This past month was full of some very difficult moments, but even on those days I CHOSE to find some sort of happy in them. 

This was such a great exercise for me. I've struggled a lot in the last year. I've been through hell. I've heard people talk about creating your own happiness, well I'm a believer in that now. 

Even though this challenge is over, I will still continue to look for the happy in each day. I will choose to be happy.