A Small Point

This week has been rough, between being sleep deprived and getting back into a routine after a vacation and dealing with feelings for my ex... I'm exhausted. 

My ex and I ended on a note where I wanted him to think about whether or not he has feelings for me. I want him to forget the distance and the uncertainty and the confusion and just really figure out how he feels. This was about four days ago and I've heard nothing since and I'm not really thinking I will. 

It sucks. Six fucking years of loving him. I'm over my first love- Austin, my high school boyfriend. But Kyle, my god he does something to me. Every time I'm near him... Makes me feel like myself. 

I hate being alone, especially during the holidays. Can it just be March? 

I've been questioning my move some lately. I absolutely LOVE Texas, but I don't love being here alone...

Feeling Alive

I cannot believe it is December already. I can't believe how quickly time goes by. I just got back from a whirlwind weekend in Iowa where I got to surprise so many friends and family members with a visit. It was so much fun. I loved seeing the look on their faces and the joy. My heart has never felt so full. 

As loved as I feel and as many people I have surrounding me, I still feel alone an hate being single for the holidays. Most people really don't get it. I don't want someone who will shower me with gifts or anything, I just want someone to share holiday moments with. I want someone I make memories with and someone just to be by my side. 

I like to know I'm not alone in my feelings and dating blunders. Over Thanksgivng my cousins and I shared stories and dreams of relationships. I really hope one day we all find what we are longing for...

Over the weekend I had a chance to see one of my best friends who also happens to be an ex. We didn't date for long, but even broken up we've always still had an undeniable connection. We've always flirted here and there and he's always different with me. We've been through fights and moves and relationships and heartache. There have been ultimate fights I thought we'd never recover from, but we always find our way back to each other. We are such great friends... We've kept the physical part out of our relationship for a very long time, until last weekend. We've shared a bed countless times but the kisses eventually stopped. But last weekend- he kissed me. He sang a meaningful song for me. He made comments about me moving back. He said he missed me. But what does it mean? Why can't he say what he feels? I'm planning on having a talk with him. I think I'm most scared that he really doesn't feel anything, that I'm just someone comfortable...

Many people don't think he's good for me and there have been many times I've believed it. He's caused me pain and made me cry... But he's also been there for me through my darkest days. He knows me better than most. I think I've been denying my feelings for awhile. I love him... And it's so scary. 

In other aspects life has settled a little. My living situation is so much better and my anxiety has lessened. Texas feels right right now. School needs to be in my future. 

A new year is coming so quickly. I don't want life to pass by. I don't want regrets.